PM Thread #6 - New Life for Number1 - Me

[25yearsmlc]

sorry for the hijack--

W O W you are like - my hero I need to kneel at your feet an jus suck up the LEARNING or something...

I did it all wrong with MY MIL, but yea I was also seriously betrayed by her in my mind and it just drove me nuts. betrayed

You are correct in that you did and are doing it all wrong....as your words show....so....
long story short i ended up short circuiting

i just cant forgive.
Yes you can. If you cannot forgive or will not, you will remain in a self induced hell of your own creation AND YOU are choosing to model for your children that betrayal = emotional death and eternal pain. But your pain does not have to be fatal or eternal. So that when THEY face their own betrayal in life, as all of us do in some form at some time, they will recall how graciously (or not) you handled your betrayal, and they will do what you are modelling for them now. As of now, You are showing them they better become bitter or curl up and die. Is that really the legacy you want to teach them?
in my case her betrayal is almost as big as H's.
HOW SO?? Why think of it this way??

its a real red button for me, and when she sent a b'day card to my daughter last year i went OFF into SPACE.

Why lose control so much? And It was not about YOU. It was for your daughter. Why did you feel anything but gratitude that FINALLY her grandmother showed some interest? Wasn't that better than continuing to ignore the birthdays? This is no longer about you or your happiness or what happened to you OR what you think is RIGHT. It is about showing your kids that they are allowed to be happy and to have someone acknowledge their birthday without it becoming about your pain.

like i DONT EXIST?
Well, again, this is no longer about you. Tough to hear, but it's the truth. It's about the kids now and that's all. FYI, while my h was gone, my mil NEVER called here once to see how the kids were UNLESS h was here. Now she's dying. And it's very tragic b/c the kids are worried about their dad and I have forgiven her b/c she has always been a weak woman and confused unconditional maternal love with never saying no to her sons...

i try hard to try to be forgiving
Do you? How so? I'm serious.
but in truth im less forgiving of her than i am of H!
Well why on earth is that? B/C it's easier for you to transfer the anger to her b/c you still want him??? I don't know, but it's a curious thing...


and i dont want my kids around her. she knows well her son doesnt see the kids talk to them or pay support but SHE thinks what she can excuse that an suddenly act like the grandmother... no.

WHY NOT? Who are you punishing? Her? That's not your job. Your kids? That's not loving...it really isn't.

like you i also beleive H saw her seeing the OW with him as approval for his actions. i dont condone it. i dont care if it was her GD, my kids are he grandkids too and they were in crisis and they hsould have come first.
Are you putting THEM First now? Or are You putting your anger/emotions ahead of all else, and even at their expense? The very thing you hated her for doing....you are doing now to them. She feared losing her son so she "stood up for him" and now wants to repair some of the damage with your children-- as it's OBVIOUS she cannot do anything to make it up to you, why try?...and you are denying them a relationship with her or guilting them. As if they don't know who was there when. I am glad my kids have something with their dying grandma other than feelings of abandonment. The more people who truly love and affirm our children, the better.

im really unhappy and enraged still about her. i am not with H, im so done with him. but with her?

we're not done. i have a lot more to do and say if i ever get the chance. i know its wrong to be this angry at someone but ... im really really angry.

Yes you are and it shows, and it is consuming you. Please know I have been where you are. And see my signature below b/c it is a freeing one. If you get a chance I highly recommend Marianne Willaimson's book Return to Love which deals with anger and forgiveness as do other things she's written. I had to put it on a CD and my Ipod and power walk with it blaring in my head for 2 hours a night --but it helped!

wishing i could find some of your maturity/compassion. i know this is so strange - probably i need therapy for it but dang i cant afford it - but id like to hurt her more than H. i already know hes going to pay in the long run.

Right now, you are the one paying in the short AND long run and so are your children. Please please talk to someone and read some of the books and there is a site HERE on this board about forgiveness which does NOT mean condoning the A nor does it mean your ex h has to even know about it. This is for YOU and your children so that you can live again, and be happy and maybe even learn to love again. But you are in a dark place and there IS a way out. But you have to get moving there and NOT stay stuck in your bitterness. My younger sister is where you are and has been for years and it is so hard for anyone to be around her now as her anger and bitterness at THE SAME THING (her ex married his 1st cousin!!...and they had a kid but my sister did not have any kids so she also felt robbed of that, etc etc) and she attracts more negative stuff in her life. She remarried a man with 2 kids and he died in September and she is hateful and mean to the step children and it's really still ALL about her first h leaving her....don't become like my younger sister, spreading the damage done to her, to others. Your job as a mother is to LESSEN the damage, not continue it or worsen it. Sometimes that means being damn heroic. So does forgiving....sometimes it just means not letting your anger be a part of your life any more. Being this angry now probably validates your h's reasons for leaving in the first place unfortunately. You are fueling negative images so that his revised marital history of how hard HE had it with you, is reinforced rather than contradicted with positive images of you and the family. Don't let what HE or SHE (mil) chose to do a long time ago, dictate how your day or evening or an hour or your life, goes from now on. Be in charge of your life. Something bad and unfair happened to you. That sucks. But if your life were a novel, how would you like THE REST OF IT TO GO? Who should write it? Who is writing that novel of YOUR life right now? Shouldn't YOU be the author of YOUR LIFE?

As for modelling for your children, show them what a woman of superior strength w/ a moral compass, does when faced with a terrible blow to the heart. Show them they can survive and thrive and be fine, eventually. Show them bravery and dignity in the face of adversity and injustice. Be better, not bitter. .
((( j )))