PM Thread #6 - New Life for Number1 - Me

[mdoodles]

did she ackowledge when u said u felt betrayed?

mil are tricky.

mine is truly my best friend, it is extremely hard to carry on the relationship with them, when u are going through what we are going through.

[PositivelyMommy]

No, I haven't told her that I felt betrayed. She was my best friend as well. We were very close but it's different now. I don't want to spend time with her anymore. It's too difficult, I can't be fake.

[25yearsmlc]

If you tell her it's b/c you feel betrayed then it IS about your hurt feelings and punishing her for the betrayal.

Is that a horrible thing to do? I don't know and can't judge you for it b/c I know I'd feel the same. But either say it's the book or your schedule or the money or the time away or that you don't want to be there nor do you want them to be gone that long at this point in time ETC b/c if you tell her the truth, it'll be used against you emotionally if not otherwise and it will NOT play out the way you think. IT's going to look as if you could not handle your h's "love for OW" and refused to accept it and are "punishing those who DO accept" his new life and blah blah blah and I don't think you want to look that way.

Did the MIL promise you not to meet OW or what? Regardless, you may at some point say your R with her "has obviously suffered" b/c you didn't feel "THAT THE M OR FAMILY was supported b/c instead, she chose her son's new interest and terrible fathering, (ironic that she plays the World's best grand ma routine but keeping the parents married was not a priority???) over standing firm and telling him like it is. Although do you KNOW that she never spoke up?

I ask b/c as I said here, I'd sure as hell tell MY SON (22 right now) what I thought if he pulled this stuff BUT I don't know what I'd tell my dil. MAybe that convo with son would remain private...don't know but I am sure he had to justify the A to her "Not happy for YEARS" and "W does not meet my needs" and blah blah blah. BTW, what was his parent's M like?

Just something to consider when you tell her "NO" again. Just consider NOT sharing ALL the reasons you are not up for it this summer. "Maybe later....like when you heal"....(or when the kids turn 18)

FYI you really are doing well. Look at some old old posts if you can stomach it and see the progress you have made...it's a lot.

(( j ))

[PositivelyMommy]

25yrs, you brought up some very valid points which I would like to address.

BTW, I always liked you for you mind and writing you more just confirms my first impression of you.

Yes, my feelings are hurt. They are deeply hurt not only because she didn't stand up for our M, but really because she went beyond that and approved of his R with OW.

I know she didn't stand up for our M because we talked at length about H and what she thought etc. I know her VERY WELL. I know H very well. I can assure you her comments to him are more of the lines of 'What about the kids?' which are totally valid. Not 'How about giving it a try with counselling with PM because she is not a terrible person and is willing to give this M a greast shot.'

She won't stand up to him for many reasons:
1) He is her only son, her closest relative so she doesn't want to alienate him
2) she is an avoidant person, doesn't ever speak her mind in close relationships
3) Her M to H's father was a total disaster - H's father pushed her out of a moving car during D
4) She is afriad of dying alone, she doesn't want to alienate her son
5) She acts out of fear all the time, not 'what is the right thing to do? How to live morally and not have regrets.'
6) She believes that talking will not work with H because he is stubborn


I think she didn't realize that H has been and is still looking to her for guidance. So when she met with OW, she basically gave him her approval of OW.

I know he thinks this way because it happened with me when he brought me home to meet his parents separately. I brought this fact up to her, she was clueless.

No, she never promised NOT to meet OW. I never made her promise as I know I can't MAKE anyone do anything. I just told her how I would feel if she did meet her. So she met her, I felt the way I thought I would feel, gutted.

So now here we are. I am not punishing. I am hurt, I feel betrayed and I feel that facing her betrayal day and night for 30 days would be torture. Can't pretend I don't have those feelings. Why put myself through it? I don't want to end up with stress induced illnesses because of this visit.

I told her, I just want calm, rest and time to work on my book. She won't take no for an answer. I will try to tell her again to speak with her son. That, he can take them if he wants and I would be OK with that.

[FightingFit]

W O W you are like - my hero I need to kneel at your feet an jus suck up the LEARNING or something...

I did it all wrong with MY MIL, but yea I was also seriously betrayed by her in my mind and it just drove me nuts. I was seriously so upset... her son, my H, had an affair with his neice (her grand daughter my kids cousin!) i did tell her I did out the affair and ... well she seemed to just want to brush it all under the carpet. she cut off all contact with me and the kids when H walked out. then when i found out neice was in this country as H had brought her out here behind everyones backs I outed him and her AGAIN. and ONCE AGAIN i was betrayed - MIL did nothing and get this even took the neice 'about town' for two weeks. um she hadnt seen our kids since our breakup...

long story short i ended up short circuiting when H finally ran off to be with her in the UK and blasted MIL, sent nasty emails etc, really told her where to go. id been her DIL 16 years and she'd been in my house every weekend. i just cant forgive. in my case her betrayal is almost as big as H's. its a real red button for me, and when she sent a b'day card to my daughter last year i went OFF into SPACE. this woman hasnt so much as lifted a finger or called me or anything and then she sends a card to my 15 yo saying "id love to see you lets go shopping?" like i DONT EXIST?

i try hard to try to be forgiving but in truth im less forgiving of her than i am of H! and i dont want my kids around her. she knows well her son doesnt see the kids talk to them or pay support but SHE thinks what she can excuse that an suddenly act like the grandmother... no.

like you i also beleive H saw her seeing the OW with him as approval for his actions. i dont condone it. i dont care if it was her GD, my kids are he grandkids too and they were in crisis and they hsould have come first. im really unhappy and enraged still about her. i am not with H, im so done with him. but with her?

we're not done. i have a lot more to do and say if i ever get the chance. i know its wrong to be this angry at someone but ... im really really angry.

wishing i could find some of your maturity/compassion. i know this is so strange - probably i need therapy for it but dang i cant afford it - but id like to hurt her more than H. i already know hes going to pay in the long run.

[PositivelyMommy]

Oh FF, I hear a lot of anger in your post. I know you are be hurting BIG TIME. I know where you are coming from. We kinda hold a MIL's on a higher moral ground because they are women and are supposed to understand how women feel. (In fact, my FIL did exactly the same thing to her when H was little, left her to be with OW). So we kinda hope that MIL would understand us and if not take our side, at least, be a voice of reason for H's and a moral compass for them in their fogged out state.

But alas not, they are motivated by their own reasons, not ours. That's what hurts.

So I sent another e-mail off the MIL. This time I said a lot of kind things about her (after reading FF's post I realize things could be a WHOLE LOT worse). And basically said that I wish not to discuss this topic anymore but she is welcome to call kids anytime and for H to take kids to see her.
I hope she finally gets the message and is not thinking she can talk reason into my thinking.

I now know how H must have felt when I tried to reason with him about staying in the M. They more she talked, the less inclined I was to listen. I guess that's why DB says to not talk, not beg, not plea. It won't work, in fact, it would have the opposite effect.

I am glad I have been basically staying with the DB principals, at least I hope he doesn't find me annoying and not listening to him. And I can leave this M with some dignity and self-respect.

[PositivelyMommy]

Well, the gloves are off.

Had a counselling session talking abt finances and it's not good. H is starting to be a jerk and the anxiety of things is coming back. I wish I could skip this part and just move directly home. He is making good money but he won't go to bat for us with his employer. If he went to them, then they could free up a lot more for us to live on. We will see. My counsellor has asked him to work on it. But I know he is not motivated to 'confront' so it may be difficult for him to have convos about this kind of thing.

I need to stand firm so I don't get scr*wed over.

[25yearsmlc]

sorry for the hijack--

W O W you are like - my hero I need to kneel at your feet an jus suck up the LEARNING or something...

I did it all wrong with MY MIL, but yea I was also seriously betrayed by her in my mind and it just drove me nuts. betrayed

You are correct in that you did and are doing it all wrong....as your words show....so....
long story short i ended up short circuiting

i just cant forgive.
Yes you can. If you cannot forgive or will not, you will remain in a self induced hell of your own creation AND YOU are choosing to model for your children that betrayal = emotional death and eternal pain. But your pain does not have to be fatal or eternal. So that when THEY face their own betrayal in life, as all of us do in some form at some time, they will recall how graciously (or not) you handled your betrayal, and they will do what you are modelling for them now. As of now, You are showing them they better become bitter or curl up and die. Is that really the legacy you want to teach them?
in my case her betrayal is almost as big as H's.
HOW SO?? Why think of it this way??

its a real red button for me, and when she sent a b'day card to my daughter last year i went OFF into SPACE.

Why lose control so much? And It was not about YOU. It was for your daughter. Why did you feel anything but gratitude that FINALLY her grandmother showed some interest? Wasn't that better than continuing to ignore the birthdays? This is no longer about you or your happiness or what happened to you OR what you think is RIGHT. It is about showing your kids that they are allowed to be happy and to have someone acknowledge their birthday without it becoming about your pain.

like i DONT EXIST?
Well, again, this is no longer about you. Tough to hear, but it's the truth. It's about the kids now and that's all. FYI, while my h was gone, my mil NEVER called here once to see how the kids were UNLESS h was here. Now she's dying. And it's very tragic b/c the kids are worried about their dad and I have forgiven her b/c she has always been a weak woman and confused unconditional maternal love with never saying no to her sons...

i try hard to try to be forgiving
Do you? How so? I'm serious.
but in truth im less forgiving of her than i am of H!
Well why on earth is that? B/C it's easier for you to transfer the anger to her b/c you still want him??? I don't know, but it's a curious thing...


and i dont want my kids around her. she knows well her son doesnt see the kids talk to them or pay support but SHE thinks what she can excuse that an suddenly act like the grandmother... no.

WHY NOT? Who are you punishing? Her? That's not your job. Your kids? That's not loving...it really isn't.

like you i also beleive H saw her seeing the OW with him as approval for his actions. i dont condone it. i dont care if it was her GD, my kids are he grandkids too and they were in crisis and they hsould have come first.
Are you putting THEM First now? Or are You putting your anger/emotions ahead of all else, and even at their expense? The very thing you hated her for doing....you are doing now to them. She feared losing her son so she "stood up for him" and now wants to repair some of the damage with your children-- as it's OBVIOUS she cannot do anything to make it up to you, why try?...and you are denying them a relationship with her or guilting them. As if they don't know who was there when. I am glad my kids have something with their dying grandma other than feelings of abandonment. The more people who truly love and affirm our children, the better.

im really unhappy and enraged still about her. i am not with H, im so done with him. but with her?

we're not done. i have a lot more to do and say if i ever get the chance. i know its wrong to be this angry at someone but ... im really really angry.

Yes you are and it shows, and it is consuming you. Please know I have been where you are. And see my signature below b/c it is a freeing one. If you get a chance I highly recommend Marianne Willaimson's book Return to Love which deals with anger and forgiveness as do other things she's written. I had to put it on a CD and my Ipod and power walk with it blaring in my head for 2 hours a night --but it helped!

wishing i could find some of your maturity/compassion. i know this is so strange - probably i need therapy for it but dang i cant afford it - but id like to hurt her more than H. i already know hes going to pay in the long run.

Right now, you are the one paying in the short AND long run and so are your children. Please please talk to someone and read some of the books and there is a site HERE on this board about forgiveness which does NOT mean condoning the A nor does it mean your ex h has to even know about it. This is for YOU and your children so that you can live again, and be happy and maybe even learn to love again. But you are in a dark place and there IS a way out. But you have to get moving there and NOT stay stuck in your bitterness. My younger sister is where you are and has been for years and it is so hard for anyone to be around her now as her anger and bitterness at THE SAME THING (her ex married his 1st cousin!!...and they had a kid but my sister did not have any kids so she also felt robbed of that, etc etc) and she attracts more negative stuff in her life. She remarried a man with 2 kids and he died in September and she is hateful and mean to the step children and it's really still ALL about her first h leaving her....don't become like my younger sister, spreading the damage done to her, to others. Your job as a mother is to LESSEN the damage, not continue it or worsen it. Sometimes that means being damn heroic. So does forgiving....sometimes it just means not letting your anger be a part of your life any more. Being this angry now probably validates your h's reasons for leaving in the first place unfortunately. You are fueling negative images so that his revised marital history of how hard HE had it with you, is reinforced rather than contradicted with positive images of you and the family. Don't let what HE or SHE (mil) chose to do a long time ago, dictate how your day or evening or an hour or your life, goes from now on. Be in charge of your life. Something bad and unfair happened to you. That sucks. But if your life were a novel, how would you like THE REST OF IT TO GO? Who should write it? Who is writing that novel of YOUR life right now? Shouldn't YOU be the author of YOUR LIFE?

As for modelling for your children, show them what a woman of superior strength w/ a moral compass, does when faced with a terrible blow to the heart. Show them they can survive and thrive and be fine, eventually. Show them bravery and dignity in the face of adversity and injustice. Be better, not bitter. .
((( j )))

[25yearsmlc]

Well, the gloves are off.

Had a counselling session talking abt finances and it's not good. H is starting to be a jerk and the anxiety of things is coming back. I wish I could skip this part and just move directly home. He is making good money but he won't go to bat for us with his employer. If he went to them, then they could free up a lot more for us to live on. We will see. My counsellor has asked him to work on it. But I know he is not motivated to 'confront' so it may be difficult for him to have convos about this kind of thing.

I need to stand firm so I don't get scr*wed over.

YES YOU DO...you know it. So, here's to Clarity!
Have a plan that does not require the C to "talk" with h if there is no follow up. I mean what is the plan for YOU if h doesn't do his part? I get the feeling he won't or at least he won't be doing it in a normal timely way (b/c MLCers measure time with a different dimension or something....)
Seriously...hang in there. This may well be the grossest part (well, recently) so if you can take care of this cr#p, a milestone will be passed AND you may find SOME peace...geez...sending hugs!

((( J )))

[PositivelyMommy]

I am so depressed. But it won't last. It's just the kids came back from a night at 'Dad's' place. Not sure if it's OW's place or not as he won't introduce her to them, which is a good thing. But I had to hear about Dad's great place from the kids. I have to pretend I am interested. My D7 said I should go and take a look. I said I haven't been invited.

Anyway, he won't be around tomorrow because he had them for 24hrs. I am thinking, what about the fact that I have them all week? This dad is so fogged out. He really is a workaholic and really putting kids on back burner. I look at Can It Work and just think Weeman is SOOO lucky.

I am so making the right decision to leave. They need more positive male role models.