I wouldn't expose just yet to friends or family, but I think you DEFINITELY need to expose his counselor. It's an unconscionable breach of professional ethics, and this woman is a PREDATOR and needs to be disciplined.
Puppy
Thanks for everyone's support these past few days! I can't express completely enough how much I value the wisdom, patience, and calm sentiments offered to me during this emotional chaos.
All was revealed to me last night, so I'll offer up the following story in the hopes that it might help someone else coping with an EA.
Last night, we were supposed to talk about the financial aspects of the big D. So, I put on my best sexy pjs and made sure that I looked my best. H read to our son and I got on the computer. I checked the screen capture software and saw that he'd logged into his work email, which he has not done for awhile. I wanted to see if he'd had any contact w/the therapist or another "friend" he'd been talking to about our friend's murder investigation. Honestly, he deletes everything now, so I didn't expect to find much. But, he's been sloppy. In his "Sent" folder, he still had some emails from his therapist.
So here's the heart crusher: He emailed his therapist back in the beginning of April--after I professed so much love and desire to work on the marriage in Feb and March---and H told her that in January he started to having feelings for HER! He tried to stop it but the feelings grew stronger and he couldn't ignore them anymore. {Ok, sidebar...any mental health professionals out there...this happens all the time in therapy, correct? The therapist's JOB is to MANAGE this, correct? Ok, back to our regularly-scheduled program.] He said that he didn't want to be "dishonest" with her and needed to tell her. He hoped that she could find it in her heart to forgive him for being so personal, but needed to be honest with her. This was a long email thread and she initially seemed to stay professional. But, later in the month, I guess that is when they met for their last face-to-face appointment, and she shared that she cared deeply for him too. Then my H asked if they could keep in touch outside of therapy until June 1st when our friend's murderer was going to be sentenced. So their EA lasted for about a month via phone, email, etc. Then I discovered her emails in mid-May and it all got exposed. So bottom line, my H had the classic TRANSFERENCE of feelings that most clients experience in therapy.
I confronted my H about the emails and of course he initially denied it. He got angry. I calmly told him that I didn't want to have any conversation until he could speak to me respectfully. Then he finally broke and said, "Ok, I'll come clean about everything. Just please talk to me. Let me explain." After I put our son to bed, he confessed everything. He said that he developed strong feelings for her but that it wasn't love. That he enjoyed talking to her b/c it was "easy" with "no conflict" and "no work." I thought this was important to note. The classic idealized situation that makes an affair so addictive. It makes you feel good, even though it's destructive. I said that I knew everything I needed to know and (Thanks, Puppy!) that I could not stay in a marriage with three people in it.
He agreed about this and said calmly that he doesn't think about her, that he has not had any contact with her whatsoever. My wanting to report her professionally pretty much killed it off for both of them.
For the rest of the night, we talked about it and he allowed me to ask questions. I asked if he loved her, he said no. I asked what his feelings were and he said that he didn't know how to explain it. I think it was just a strong sense of emotional safety. We talked about his "emotional walls" and that he pretty much shut everyone out, family and friends, except these two women he had an EA with. His response---there was a huge hole in his emotional wall and I chose to ignore it. [Not sure how to interpret that one.] I asked if he wanted to have sex with her, and he said no. I [perhaps stupidly] asked what would have happened next if I had not discovered this. He said that he didn't want it to go anywhere...she's married. I don't know if I can truly believe that b/c he was pursuing her with their private email accounts created to make sure that she didn't get into any job trouble.
Then, he grew very weary of explaining things and got angry. He said that he still feels the same about the marriage, that he's emotionally exhausted and doesn't know if he wants to be married. Period. He doesn't want to put the work into it b/c he doesn't think it will change anything. He's sorry that he hurt me and but says that b/c of our marriage he's a worse person. Our marriage has not made him a better person. Then he blamed me for pushing him to make such bad decisions. I did not let that go. I told him that I own what I did wrong in the marriage but HE is responsible for making the decisions to engage in the EA.
I don't know what to do now. After I showed my C the bruises on my arms from H restraining me when I confronted the therapist, my C kind of lost it. She said that he is abusive, emotionally and now physically. I feel blinded by my love I guess. I really want this marriage to work and have to take what my C said with a grain of salt. My H has never physically hurt me before and only did so, I think, to keep me from getting arrested or to keep the therapist's husband from finding out. I don't need her husband to go postal on me, H, or son. This is the only thing keeping me from reporting the therapist...I don't think client confidentiality can be ensured. There is no telling what her spouse might do if this were revealed. I know that I shouldn't care about the what-ifs, but I need to protect my family, whatever that ends up being. What if doing the right thing and reporting the therapist causes more harm to me and my family?
I'm so angry with H for bringing this into our lives. Today I don't feel much like DBing.
Last edited by eternaloptimist; 06/04/0905:19 PM.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
Therapists can be just as messed up as anyone else because they are human alas. The difference is that she took a oath not to do what she's done and this is her livelihood.
Thanks, Kittyfish, for all of the supportive things you've said. Yeah, ITA about therapist being human.
But, YES, it is their JOB and their PROFESSIONAL RESPONSIBILITY to manage these inherent aspects of the therapy process, to put the client and his/her relationship's first. What she did was exploitive, completely disrespectful of me and our marriage (rocky or not) and it outrages me to the core. I work in public services myself and I take it to heart that I am trying to make a difference, albeit perhaps small, in someone's life.
I don't know how I am going to get past this realizing that reporting her may cause more harm to my family. I don't want her to harm anyone else. That's the rub.
Last edited by eternaloptimist; 06/04/0905:23 PM.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
You need to expose their affair to her supervisors -- PERIOD. Preferably with a copy to the State licensing review board as well.
This is the first I'm hearing about physical abuse. If that's the case, you need to GET OUT -- NOW. Do you have someone with whom you can stay?
EO, he is still lying to you. A cheater will always lie --ALWAYS -- and you can be assured that he's only telling you things in dribs and drabs, AS HE NEEDS TO (as you confront him with proof). I suspect there's at LEAST half of it you don't know.
You need to expose their affair to her supervisors -- PERIOD. Preferably with a copy to the State licensing review board as well.
This is the first I'm hearing about physical abuse. If that's the case, you need to GET OUT -- NOW. Do you have someone with whom you can stay?
EO, he is still lying to you. A cheater will always lie --ALWAYS -- and you can be assured that he's only telling you things in dribs and drabs, AS HE NEEDS TO (as you confront him with proof). I suspect there's at LEAST half of it you don't know.
I'm sorry. Please protect yourself.
Puppy
There has never been any other physical abuse. Why do you think he's still lying? I don't think there is anything else that could be going on... Help? I'm confused.
He is still angry because he feels like he started the affair and feels guilty.
Last edited by eternaloptimist; 06/04/0906:28 PM.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
You need to expose their affair to her supervisors -- PERIOD. Preferably with a copy to the State licensing review board as well.
This is the first I'm hearing about physical abuse. If that's the case, you need to GET OUT -- NOW. Do you have someone with whom you can stay?
EO, he is still lying to you. A cheater will always lie --ALWAYS -- and you can be assured that he's only telling you things in dribs and drabs, AS HE NEEDS TO (as you confront him with proof). I suspect there's at LEAST half of it you don't know.
I'm sorry. Please protect yourself.
Puppy
I agree- still lying.
The red flags are that he doesn't know if he wants to be married and the basic rewriting of the marital history. All cheaters do it. He's awful angry and "rushing" you to move past this. Also, he doesn't want to have sex with you-which is a big red flag.
What made you go and confront the therapist? Why was H with you?
Ask him to take a lie detector test. His reaction to the question alone will tell you if he's really sorry and not pursuing her.
To be blunt, I find it very odd that a man would have an EA only. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but I think it's rare. That's because one of their top emotional needs is sex. They generally only pursue someone as someone they want to be sexual with- even if there is an emotional connection. This is just my personal opinion and only based on being on several relationship boards for years and reading about infidelity. It usually begins emotional but most men need to move to sex to stay interested.
Why do you think he's still lying? I don't think there is anything else that could be going on... Help? I'm confused.
He is still angry because he feels like he started the affair and feels guilty.
There are a number of warning flags that jump out at me:
- His lying to you until you showed him proof.
- Most men don't have EA-only's.
- How angry and defensive he got with you.
- How quickly he lost his remorseful/contrite attitude with you.
- re-writing of marital history
- The lack of SL between the two of you recently.
The biggest flag to me was his claim that he no longer has feelings for her. Now, maybe he's only trying to protect YOU from the truth, but there's no way withdrawal would happen that quickly if their feelings for each other were as you described from their e-mails.
Of course, I could be wrong. I'm just giving you my opinion, but it doesn't smell right to me. I think he's acting desperately to protect his girlfriend from professional exposure, and I think he'd tell you ANYTHING at this point to get you to drop that avenue.
Why do you think he's still lying? I don't think there is anything else that could be going on... Help? I'm confused.
He is still angry because he feels like he started the affair and feels guilty.
There are a number of warning flags that jump out at me:
- His lying to you until you showed him proof.
- Most men don't have EA-only's.
- How angry and defensive he got with you.
- How quickly he lost his remorseful/contrite attitude with you.
- re-writing of marital history
- The lack of SL between the two of you recently.
The biggest flag to me was his claim that he no longer has feelings for her. Now, maybe he's only trying to protect YOU from the truth, but there's no way withdrawal would happen that quickly if their feelings for each other were as you described from their e-mails.
Of course, I could be wrong. I'm just giving you my opinion, but it doesn't smell right to me. I think he's acting desperately to protect his girlfriend from professional exposure, and I think he'd tell you ANYTHING at this point to get you to drop that avenue.
Puppy
Hi, Puppy. Sigh... I hear you. But let me share some more details. H is emotionally exhausted b/c our life has been one big trauma for probably the past 9 years: his close friend died of cancer, then we lost three babies/pregnancies, then we had to put our dog to sleep, then one of his best friends was brutally murdered 3 yrs. ago. then we moved and he sacrificed everything to please other people but himself. I'm not excusing his behavior or decisions, just giving you a wider mental picture of what H has been coping with for years. So he has been filled with rage and sadness ever since. He's been an angry person for a long time.
We have NEVER had a good sex life, so that is not a red flag for me at all. There were years where we only had sex a few times in a year. I regret all of that now, but there were other reasons our intimacy was lacking. We had sex in March after he dropped the D bomb and then again when I first found out about the EA. So we've actually had more sex this year than in a long time!
What is the rewriting of marital history? H says he's been unhappy for a long time and this EA is the least of our problems b/c we've had so many disappointments, struggles, etc. We did have a lot of conflict in our marriage prior to the EA.
I think a big part of this is the "transference" of feelings from therapy. I no longer see this as a typical EA b/c the emails and phone calls only took place in the space of a month. I don't think H would want to jeopardize his job or hers to continue the EA. He knows I'm serious about reporting her. I don't know how to feel about anything now.
Guess I should confront him again tonight? I think he's worried about getting into trouble at his job, or the husband coming after him.
Last edited by eternaloptimist; 06/05/0912:31 AM.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
"Re-writing of marital history" refers to a cheating spouse telling their betrayed spouse that "I've never been happy in the marriage," even though all earlier indications are that they WERE. They actually go back in their minds and RE-WRITE the history of their marriage, making it out to be much worse than it was, EARLIER than it was, to justify the decision to have an affair.
I'd estimate that it happens is over 80% of all affairs.
As for the rest of it, I'm hearing you, but I remain unconvinced. Just please be careful.
