XBF and I talked yesterday. I said I hoped I had never hurt him and he said no. He said he will always love and cherish me and the things we've done, it's just...he paused...difficult to explain. Whatever that meant, I just said, no need to say more, it's all in the past. We talked about the sport and he was giving me some advice. I told him how much fun it is and he said why didn't I try it 2 or 3 years ago and I said, I don't know but the fact is I'm doing it now. And I'm loving it! (It's about me not him!) Had I known how much fun it was, I would have tried sooner.
He said he told me and I didn't listen. He said I never listened to him. Hmmmm, why does that matter now?
Then I said I would be at the club field weekly and he said he was going to be at the same place on a league and maybe he'd see me there. I said well just don't distract me while I'm participating because that's why I'm there. I'm a participant. He laughed at that, saying yeah, right.
Does this sound ridiculous? I still miss him dearly and I ask myself why the h- why? Because he was my best friend for 4 years after my div and helped me immensely and I had so much fun. He was a great security to me in so many ways after the terrible b.s. my ex had put me through. He gave me 4 of the happiest years of my adult life in terms of love. I swear this is true.
My birthday is next week. What if he calls, do I answer the phone?
My attitude in my new sport is "I'm here to play". If I see him, I'll acknowledge him the same as any other person there. No special treatment. I'm the prize, not him.
I'm also going on my first blind date Sunday. I'm trying to move ahead. I'm mortified at this idea but it's a way to break things up in my head. The guy sounds too eager. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I feel like life is spinning me in a tornado and I'm spinning with it. I'm starting to have a little fun because I've got my "ME" attitude that is starting to take over the weeks of intense upset.
