How Do You Forgive?

[eternaloptimist]

Why do you think he's still lying? I don't think there is anything else that could be going on... Help? I'm confused.

He is still angry because he feels like he started the affair and feels guilty.

There are a number of warning flags that jump out at me:

- His lying to you until you showed him proof.

- Most men don't have EA-only's.

- How angry and defensive he got with you.

- How quickly he lost his remorseful/contrite attitude with you.

- re-writing of marital history

- The lack of SL between the two of you recently.

The biggest flag to me was his claim that he no longer has feelings for her. Now, maybe he's only trying to protect YOU from the truth, but there's no way withdrawal would happen that quickly if their feelings for each other were as you described from their e-mails.

Of course, I could be wrong. I'm just giving you my opinion, but it doesn't smell right to me. I think he's acting desperately to protect his girlfriend from professional exposure, and I think he'd tell you ANYTHING at this point to get you to drop that avenue.

Puppy

Hi, Puppy. Sigh... I hear you. But let me share some more details. H is emotionally exhausted b/c our life has been one big trauma for probably the past 9 years: his close friend died of cancer, then we lost three babies/pregnancies, then we had to put our dog to sleep, then one of his best friends was brutally murdered 3 yrs. ago. then we moved and he sacrificed everything to please other people but himself. I'm not excusing his behavior or decisions, just giving you a wider mental picture of what H has been coping with for years. So he has been filled with rage and sadness ever since. He's been an angry person for a long time.

We have NEVER had a good sex life, so that is not a red flag for me at all. There were years where we only had sex a few times in a year. I regret all of that now, but there were other reasons our intimacy was lacking. We had sex in March after he dropped the D bomb and then again when I first found out about the EA. So we've actually had more sex this year than in a long time!

What is the rewriting of marital history? H says he's been unhappy for a long time and this EA is the least of our problems b/c we've had so many disappointments, struggles, etc. We did have a lot of conflict in our marriage prior to the EA.

I think a big part of this is the "transference" of feelings from therapy. I no longer see this as a typical EA b/c the emails and phone calls only took place in the space of a month. I don't think H would want to jeopardize his job or hers to continue the EA. He knows I'm serious about reporting her. I don't know how to feel about anything now.

Guess I should confront him again tonight? I think he's worried about getting into trouble at his job, or the husband coming after him.