GETTING UN'STUCK'

[robx]

I dont really believe in GALing, I believe in SURVIVING

- that's probably the attitude that got you into some of the problems you're experiencing in your marriage/relationship.

Just surviving is boring, it's not exciting and definitely is a relationship killer.

Surviving is not where it's at, THRIVING is where you need to be.

- and saying that not everyone has the ability or funds to GAL is just a cop out, a poor excuse.

You have time to chat on a pc, if you need funds, get a part time job, getting a life means hanging out with friends, going out, experiencing the world even if it means just your little portion of it, go to a gym, go for walks, join activity clubs, go to school, take a class, volunteer, get involved with a charity organization, etc. instead of wallowing in your self-pity. Enjoy your life, it's the only one you will get to live and if you spend it just trying to survive you are wasting your life and that's probably the vibe you gave your spouse and after a while people get tired of just getting by & surviving - they want more and who can blame them.

Our existence is linear, point A to point B, we're born, we live and we die.

The secret is to make the most out of the time spent between point A & point B.

Focusing on surviving is really just waiting for point B to happen.

Hope I wasn't too cruel in my analogy but sometimes people need a kick in the pants to wake up from their funk.

[robx]

Here's an update:

Last weekend I took my wife to see Mamma Mia. Just us, no kids.
Beforehand I took her to dinner at a nice Italian restaurant and tried to keep everything as light as possible. After awhile I actually started running out of things to say because she wasn't talking back or just giving yes or no answers.

Then the show came up, which was very good and lively. This was Mama Mia where there's alot of singing and dancing. At certain points I would look over to her and see her reaction, but I saw that she wasn't laughing at all the light parts of it. The walk to the car was one of the longest ones I've ever experienced. We didn't say a word to each other the whole time. I tried, but she didn't say anything.

Then when we got home, she wished me goodnight and went straight to bed. Ugh, sometimes I get the feeling that she blames the M for how she's feeling. Right now I feel like I'm the easy target because she doesn't have any friends and doesn't go out. So all her negative emotions get centered around our R. I think that's one of the reasons she sought out the OM at work where there are no responsibilities.

You're still trying hard to show her that the marriage is worth it. Buying gifts, going out for dinner, etc. You're not at this stage yet, you can't be doing this, it comes off as fake and repugnant - you said it yourself: you ran out of things to say and going through this exercise reduced whatever attraction she felt towards you even more.

You keep doing the same things expecting different results, when do you start realizing that what you are currently doing isn't going to work? When do you realize that your current logic and ways of doing things isn't going to work?

[robx]

I think she's in withdrawal because she's never really "admitted" to me that it was an A even though she told me she kissed him a couple of times and wanted to leave our family for him. How messed up is that?

My thought is maybe she figured her attraction to this guy was a wake up call to her that there's something better to her out there. One thing she told me was that she's not attracted to me and was never attracted to me. And said that she was attracted to this guy.

Just FYI, this OM looks like her grandfather...literally. Her grandfather was the only positive male role model in her life. Her dad left their family when she was six and never came home. So when we were first dating up to the month that she left (17 years mind you), she would ask me if I would ever cheat on her and that there was never a good reason to cheat on somebody, etc. Boy was I surprised when I found out what she did. She even denied it. I kind of blew up when I told her that she had some nerve to ask me about cheating (and I have never done it) when she did it herself.

She then would tell me that it's not about him but about us. Then when I asked her what was wrong with us, she would either say 'never mind' or that it was little resentments that built up over time. When I asked her for an example, she would say times like when I forgot to put the garbage out on garbage day. WHAT?! That's your reason to leave?

Then she would get upset and say "don't you get it? I don't love you any more. and I just want to be alone."

Thing is...when we're at home with the kids or even alone at the dinner table together, we can talk and joke and if you were watching, you'd never think there was anything wrong.

What do you think?

You should read your post again, you based her attraction for this other guy on physical looks which suggests to me that you don't know how attraction works between men & women.

Her telling you that she isn't attracted to you is the truth.

Her telling you that was never attracted to you isn't the truth.

She was attracted to you at one point. You exhibited traits & behaviors that were very attractive to her just like this OM is doing right now.

You're still stuck in a rut because you haven't changed your way of thinking and looking at all of this.

[robx]

Thanks Kittyfish.

Yes they do...lie that is.

So do you think that she's seemingly depressed and distant (emotionally empty) because the OM isn't a presence any more? In this case, she still says she wants out.

Any thoughts? Coach? Anyone else?

You doubt this because.....

You write it out like it's something you might consider as a possibility but you still sound like you're ruling it out because she can't be attracted to this other guy because you should be all she needs.

Yes she's depressed, distant and hurt that this person she has feelings for isn't in the picture anymore.

Aren't you hurt because your wife doesn't have those feelings for you?

[robx]

It actually does make alot of sense. It's what an MLC is all about. Where all of your accomplishments of the past (relationships, career, home, etc.) don't seem to give you fulfillment any more. For those who successfully come out of MLC, they re-evaluate and build on what they have rather than tearing everything down and starting from scratch.

Unfortunately that's where my W's head is at now. A very telling sign is that she told me "the things I thought I wanted aren't important any more." That's the MLC talking. You feel so empty in that void and so "unhappy" that you do anything that makes you feel happy such as entering into an affair. You aren't dealing with the root of your problem, just putting a band aid on it.

Those things still have importance to her.
A MLC believe it or not is a good thing.
She is evaluating her life, you have the chance to do the same thing right now.

All of the things she has accomplished in her life are important to her, she is however at a point in her life where she has accomplished what she first set out as goals in her life and now what's left?

She has done what she thought would take a life time to accomplish and thinks that she has nothing left to accomplish: is this all there is to life? Just because you are satisfied with the status quo doesn't mean she is or ever would be? Maybe she thinks that you require that from her and it's a very unfulfilling life she has to look forward to.

MLC or not, it's hard to look at life that way.

The OM represented a new life, a new adventure, new challenges, new everything and she wants some excitement in her life and unfortunately with the way you act, you don't offer her that much excitement: use the night of going out to dinner and watching that show as an example: you said it yourself, nothing to talk about, she never laughed, very quiet, etc. Sounds like someone who is so bored with their current life that they are slowly dying inside because of it.

[MrBond]

Hi robx,

thanks for all the responses. While I agree with you about the attractor factor to a point, there is something much more going on in her than just she and I.

The most telling point is the home we live in. She worked her butt off to get it and it was always one of her goals to have a home since she didn't have an actual "house" when she was growing up. However, the minute she decided to leave, she didn't want the house anymore or many of the things she had. She felt like she wanted to shed everything she had before and start brand new.

I've talked to enough people who have gone through MLC to know that it's just something that happens. It's hard for us to understand, but it is something they go through.

Also the way she was treating our Ds whom she adores more than anything in the world. She started scolding them more, being short with them. Something she had never done in the past.

Now what can I do about it. Nothing. Well except in the case of our Ds. When I think she crosses the line, I put my foot down and tell he to back off. When I do that, a flash of understanding comes across her face and she apologizes to them.

When I decided to take her out I did it more to cheer her up like a friend would. Was I disappointed? Sure. Was I hoping for something more? Probably. But at that point we had gotten friendly enough with each other that it was something I just thought was the right thing to do at the time.

Was it too soon? Definitely. Her moods shift from day to day.

So what am I doing so far? Am I going to date? No.

Am I going to stay at home and cater to her? No. I go out often with friends male and female. But don't neglect my duties as a father at home. I have been working out and am actually training to enter a marathon - something I've never done.

Am I worried about my looks? Nope. I still have girls giving me their phone number.

Do I treat my W differently? A little. I still treat her with respect and we talk and get along very well. I act "as if". After all, the one who wants it the least is the one who will get it the most. I give her space, do my own things and stay at being the best father for my kids. I detach so that I don't need her anymore and am no longer walking on eggshells around her. The uncomfortable feeling I got when we were at the show was the last time I would feel like that.

The main realization I got from the OM is that I am and always will be better than him. There's no question about that. Because no one else would have stayed with her after all the stuff she had done to me.

Am I resentful? A little, but I forgave her and moved on. Of course it hurts a bit

Am I optimistic? You bet. Especially in the understanding that IF she left, I'd still be a great person.

I do believe in the attraction stuff you've talked about and have done certain things as a gage. The funny thing is that when I had taken her out to dinner before the show, when she got up to use the ladies room, a couple of women from the table next to us started flirting with me.

I think I had to go through all this to find out what works.

[MrBond]

"you said it yourself, nothing to talk about, she never laughed, very quiet, etc. Sounds like someone who is so bored with their current life that they are slowly dying inside because of it."

Actually for this I'm pretty sure she clammed up because she felt very awkward, not because she was necessarily bored. She's always kind of been an introvert all her life and retreats when she's uncomfortable.

The problem was that I let her uncomfortableness make me feel uncomfortable.

[confusedinpa]

I was prepared to not be married to my exH anymore- I was not prepared for how I would feel once stepmom started painting my daughters fingernails and things like that. Very painful- and I had never even considered it.

I don't mean to hijack her, but thought your comment was interesting relative to what happened in my situation.

The weekend before my wife moved out, she started lamenting about how I would just forget about her and move on and find someone else after she moved out. She said it repeatedly. Up til that point, she never said anything like that. I got tired of it by the third day so I confronted her and asked her - is that what she wants me to do or is that what's she's planning on doing or is that what's she is afraid will happen. She just broke down and cried saying she didn't know what she wanted.

I was hurt when it happened, to see the woman I love so lost and beaten down like that.

Now I look back at it with some disbelief. How can someone make a decision like filing for a divorce and moving out when they don't even know what they wanted.

Just crazy.......

[aliveandkicking]

How can someone make a decision like filing for a divorce and moving out when they don't even know what they wanted.

Because they just want to think there is a quick and easy way out. I watched my friend do it. The hard work came after the D for her.

[MrBond]

My W told me "I wish you would find someone already!"

I think that was her way of saying...back off. I just flipped that back at her and said that was disrespectful to our Ds and to me who just want her and not another mother. I also told her that she was being disrespectful to herself because it was like saying, find someone better than me. After that, she never brought it up again.

I think they say that about us having another person (when our Ss have had an A) so it makes what they did much more acceptable.