House stuff It looks like contracts will be exchanged on the house this week. I feel ok about this, it was kind of depressing coming back here and I can start looking for somewhere new to live. I will have to find somewhere fairly quickly now though. I've also got to start packing, which I have been putting off. I've done a good load today but it was, as expected, like picking a scab on a wound. I have three piles - my stuff, H's stuff and stuff I don't know what to do with that is joint.
H contact We have had a bit of contact. I did end up texting him before I went just to say I was off to Cyprus in case anything happened with the house. It had been two weeks since there was contact - where we went for that meal and he pecked me on the cheek goodbye .
We exchanged a few texts mostly joking about the cat being put in a cattery before I went and him moaning about work. Then I emailed him on Friday telling saying hi and telling about the fabulousness of my holiday, asking for news on the house and I took a risk and asked him if he wanted to escape the office for cake next week for lunch.
He replied but I didn't get it till Sat night as I had already left work. He told me about what he did last weekend. He went to stay with a couple who he works with. He didn't mention ow, but clearly he would have gone with her. Bizarrely the woman he went to stay with he has spent the last year slagging off to me saying how crap she is. He accepted my lunch invite so we should be doing that next week. He also mentioned that he saw my old best friend from uni but that she didn't see him (I thought bloomin' lucky she would have had a *massive* go at him, not that she knows much but it is enough that he left me!!).
I had to text him on Sat morning to tell him about the potential exchanging contracts news. He asked whether I got his email and I replied with a bit of mystery saying no as I hadn't been staying at home last night (ok, I was at my parents but he doesn't need to know that ) he texted back some more about the cat and told me he was test driving cars for his new job so I was encouraging and upbeat.
Me I had a fabulous holiday! Cyprus was so great to get away, I really needed the break. I went scuba diving, rode a jet ski, looked at monasteries, relaxed on the beach and in the pool, snorkelled etc. It was perfect, except I am now going on a diet!
It should be a busy next few weeks. I am feeling a little strange about a few things, being 'friends' with h as it feels strange the way he is speaking to me. His tone is friend like - that is weird but good... but still weird. I am used to either loving, obviously pre-break up, or him being distant. This new friendly h is taking some getting used to. The house stuff is stirring up a lot but I know that I won't feel like that for long. I just have to get through the next few weeks. Over all I am positive.
So glad to hear your holiday was FABULOUS! Posting pics in the alt?
Going through the stuff in the house can be enormously difficult. Just make sure that you get H's stuff to him to deal with, don't ask him what he wants you to do with it, that would leave too much of an opening for him to saddle you with more to deal with. JMO of course! Take it for what it's worth.....not a lot.
It's probably a VERY good thing your friend from uni didn't see him! I can imagine she probably would have wanted to scratch his eyes out. My friends and family can't stand to look at Gabe for more than a minute without wanting to do bodily harm to him.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hey Julia, Your vacation to Cyprus sounded wonderful!!! Seems like it was a perfect get away fun & leisure.
Good choice in telling your H. Keep that mystery going!
Packing up, must be difficult. Hhhmmm, I'm kinda at a loss for words. It will be good for your H to face the reality of it all. On the up side, less pressure, less ties, in some ways can be positive. I'm still at the same point, trying to be a friend to my H. Slowly, the wall seems to be coming down. But, yes, it sure is a strange feeling.
Good luck with the apartment hunting.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
I am generally happy, packing stuff is hard. I came across a box that I had forgotten about which was labeled 'married in 2006'. I had kept a load of stuff from the wedding and I remember being so excited making it up. It is unopened and will remain so for now, it seems like a different world now. There are lots of memories floating round the house at the moment and it is hard.
No news on exchange of contracts on the house yet which is annoying.
I seem to be working some stuff through in my head today which I will lay out here as it really helps me get persective and you guys are such great sounding boards! The other day I decided to have a telephone session with Jody to try and get some perspective on a few things and she was really helpful. Here was what we discussed.
We discussed some of my perceived lack of confidence. Really that I have gotten so intimidated by the thought of ow lately. This has really come about because h has started being more open about his life and telling me what he has been up to. Although he NEVER mentions her it is apparent that this stuff would be done as a couple like for example going to stay with a couple from work etc. It makes me feel very insecure.
Jody thinks I should think of myself as the primary woman not the other woman which is how I was describing myself to her. The reason I have a hard time with this is because clearly I am not! He is living with and having an r with this ow and sharing his life with her. I suppose I have also spent quite a long time telling myself this to gain acceptance that I have lost a bit of my fight and spirit but I admit that I do feel jealous of her. I seem to have attached more importance to her in my mind subconsciously which is really annoying and I'm not quite sure how to look at it. I also don't want to get my hopes up in case I get hurt again. So I still feel a little like I am walking on eggshells if I contact him for anything other than house stuff, however Jody says that as long as he is being responsive it is fine to initiate some stuff.
She said to play it to my advantage, that I should become the ow - forbidden. She said it is safe to assume that as he is not mentioning her to me that he would not be mentioning me to her. I have felt this for a while actually as this could add excitement which after the whole illness/ me becoming mother and nurse thing is what we need.
She says that when I meet him I should be 'boom and then you're gone'. That I should be playful and ambiguous. That it is attractive to men if you are a good sport and now the guilt is gone to let him be himself around me. She also said that I should be more forthcoming now emotionally and that strangers bond more quickly over mutual complaint than anything else. I.E complain a bit about stuff, bitch about something and be more emotionally transparent. Not quite sure how to do this... if anyone has any ideas??
She thinks I should ask him if he is still interested in looking at flats with me (which he expressed ages ago) and that is a good bonding experience. That I should allow him to help me with the move and that he knows that he has given me a lousy hand with this and he needs to be helpful (I assume to appease his guilt?!).
With regards to his stuff she thinks I should say that something like 'I've put your stuff together but it's not packed. I'll leave it to you to decide how to deal with it.' This makes really good sense.
Ultimately we should now be friends who flirt. So, I need some flirting tips!!!! Any ideas anyone?
This stuff is scary to me and I feel slightly paranoid and scared to take the step. I think it is because I put myself out there a bit asking him to lunch and it doesn't seem to have materialised after all - he said he'd let me know when he was free and he hasn't. It zaps my confidence a bit. I guess though that with all dating you put yourself on the line but I guess I have more invested emotionally in this one.
I like Jody's advice about being a bombshell who's there, full of fun and life, and then gone. You ARE the primary woman
When Jody suggested I bond with H over a complaint I used my tube journey the first time (crowding, delays etc- I appreciate it might not be the ideal complaint with H), but what about poor restaurant service, or maybe the expenses row? I've been bonding with random people outside the polling station over that this morning. Fish ponds indeed. (As an aside when I tried to bond with H this way he looked at me in a perplexed way and did what my H always does....nothing(!))
I think I have a good line in friends who flirt. It should be a fun and friendly 'no danger' type of flirting. For example, yesterday I was chatting with the office IT guy (John) and it went something like this....
IT guy: I have to change your password. What shall I change it to? Me: (smiling) What about John? IT guy: That's too short Me: OK, what about 'John Is Hot' IT guy: (laughs like mad) You need a number in it, so that won't work. Me: OK, replace the o with a zero. IT Guy: I can't do that. Choose something else. Me: I can't think of anything else now. All I can think is John Is Hot. (And laugh and walk away)
But around that conversation everything was pretty IT related in content- it was just a harmless jokey flirt. Maybe you could interject something similar next time you see H? Not the same, but the general idea? I hope I'm making sense.
Don't assume that H's lak of response implies a rejection, BTW. You never know what might be going on in his world- maybe life is getting hard with OW and he's trying to work his way through it. That's what I hope/wish anyway
You're so lovely, your posts always make me smile. Perhaps we can practice flirting on Sat night, however I'm not sure the leisure park is going to be the right venue for that. lol!
I love those techniques, you are so brave. I would never have the guts to do that!! I'm thinking I need to start thinking on my feet more and practice. Sigh, who to practice on though...
Ooh oooh if you think of anything else let me know.
Sorry, this is a bit of a winge/ vent... H just sent me a message apologising for not getting in touch apparently work has been non-stop as there is a strike next week. He suggested next week instead. He also gave me news that the buyers had given our solicitor a proposed completion date - the 29th June. He seems to see no problem with this date and obviously has not remembered it is my birthday. Ho hum, anyway I have plans for that day obviously so no, not ideal. I'm going to suggest the following Monday as it is also my sister's hen weekend before that.
The email was fine... I'm just pissed off with him. I won't reply today, I'll just get over it. But this aspect of leaving everything till the last minute in regards to me, which I have only seen since he left really winds me up. Grrrrrrrrrr
I suppose it is that I perceive him to be acting in a thought less manner.
Hi ((Julia)), I think it was good for you to talk with Jody. New ideas, a new perspectives are always good. So you've been mysterious, business like to reduce his reluctance & now being flirty & friendly. Hhhmmmmm .......
Must say, I would be pissed as well about the closing date. That is really quite soon. Do you plan to tell him it's your b'day?
OD - very cool story. Put a smile on my face as well.
Stay strong ((Julia))!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Oh my Lisa!!!! I bow to the queen of flirting! I couldn't do it either Julia so don't feel bad. I'm not too quick on the uptake unfortunately so I would think of those things after it was FAR too late.
((((JULIA))))))
The tentative closing is on your birthday? Ouch. Couldn't you look at it though as a birthday present to yourself of a fresh start? A new, exciting beginning? It doesn't have to signal an end, right?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I emailed him back on Friday with the help of the wonderful OD and added in some flirting and also said I couldn't do the 29th - it being the occasion for huge celebration but suggested the 1st. Let's hope he picks up on that one! No reply as yet, hope I didn't scare him off...we'll see.
My weekend was spent packing mainly. Saturday night Lisa came round and we went for a drink which was lots of fun and yesterday my friend came round. She was brilliant, we got so much done! However when she left I came across all h's old letters and cards to me from uni days which I had forgotten I had - that really set me off I have to say. So many memories spinning round my head that I found it hard to sleep last night. I suppose the main thing, which I know was pointless thinking, was how could we go from being so happy and devoted to each other for such a long time to nothing so quickly. I know there is no point dwelling...
On the plus side I found some jewellery, in particular a necklace that I had lost and was gutted about. The necklace was bought just before we got engaged, when we were on holiday in San Francisco. It has been on my mind a lot lately so I am so pleased to find it. Especially because I lost my engagement ring soon after the 1st bomb and it kind of makes up for that. I had lost so much weight that my rings were really loose and it fell off when I was swimming and went down the filtration system and they couldn't get it back - gutted!
I have a fairly busy week this week with work meetings and people coming round to help me pack etc which is nice. I am also on a fairly strict diet to lose some of the weight I seem to have regained since losing it post bomb. It's hard work but satisfying! I'll be thin and gorgeous before you know it
. 
) he texted back some more about the cat and told me he was test driving cars for his new job so I was encouraging and upbeat.
Couldn't you look at it though as a birthday present to yourself of a fresh start? A new, exciting beginning? It doesn't have to signal an end, right?