I think a combination of what DQ and robx says can work as both have their pros and cons. There is no complete answer.
The main problem I have with the dating is that it is like issuing an ultimatum. Plus it does go against what I believe as a marriage and would make me seem hypocritical.
I don't bring up R talks and only brought up things that bothered me when I couldn't take certain actions any more. Trust me, I'm no one's doormat. I've told her several times that if she didn't like what I was saying, she was more than welcome to leave. I told her that while I loved her, I didn't need her. The last time I said that was about a month ago and I really expected her to go running out the door at that point. Instead she stayed and even thanked me for talking to her.
After that talk, things were turning around for us. She was happier and more open. Then it was like another switch was turned on a couple of weeks ago and she went back to being distant.
Strange.
Doing alot of DB techniques will be counter-intuitive and against any & all of your pre-conceived notions on how to do things. Learning that you have to do things drastically different is what this process is about. Doing what you did in the past will not bring her back.
And you answered that issue by starting of with the statement, "... I have a problem with"
Yes you have a problem with doing it. Change your mindset and start doing things that you're uncomfortable with, get out of that comfort zone, currently it can't be that comfortable considering you're trying to get your wife back.
Stop bringing up things that bother you, part of going dark means keeping that stuff to yourself, being mysterious, acting as if everything is great & awesome. Telling her that the separation bothers you and that these issues are bothering you just confirms to her that you aren't the kind of guy that can take the lead in the situation and continue pressing forward regardless of problems.
As far as things turning around and being more pleasant and then things switching back to the way it is, expect that. The WAS is going to flip back & forth on this issue: you have to expect it and better yet, you have to not care about it. When it starts bothering you less than it bothers her, you will see a drastic change in the relationship.
