Divorce looming #14

[CityGirl]

Ok, I follow you all with the xanax. But can't I enjoy just a little bit of happiness that a little more time has been bought that maybe I can use to put my best foot forward and try and make some sort of a difference? I mean anything is possible if done right.

See, the problem is you are only happy because once again, your happiness rides on what your W does (or doesnt) do. Before ANYTHING can happen you *need* to find happiness within yourself. You need to do that with the same urgency that one needs food, water and air to survive. You have not yet put your best foot forward for YOU after all this time. I guess I dont understand why a temporary but of time will change all that much with you. Yes, anything is possible if done right but thus far not much has been done right. It seems not getting divorced has given you confidence and a more positive outlook and you need to have that for YOU w/o worrying about divorce papers. You still dont seem to get it - you base your happiness and outlook on your W. SHE DOES NOT LIKE THAT!

Yes I know she is going out again tonite. But hey, I have some more time to work on things. She won't file right away again. Its time and time is a gift that has been given to me again whatever the reason may be. I have it for now. Thats a huge plus.

You have no idea when she might file again. It could be tomorrow for all you know. Why is this gift of time any different? You have had the gift of time for months and months and it was a gift you overlooked and shunned.

I refuse to look at the negative today. I'm looking at this as an opportunity to continue to show I am worthy.

Well, do as you must but nobody will think you are worthy until you know in your heart, soul and mind that you are worthy as an individual. It seems your only goals are to show your W what you can be when your focus should be on what you are becoming as an individual.

I find this all very upsetting to be truthful. You are only happy because the D papers were not filed and that is a very, very dangerous mindset to be in. Dont give yourself false hope and forget about your W until you know YOU are worthy as a man on your own.

Get C'ing. Please.

[davidswife]

CityGirl,

I've been thinking and praying for you. Have you updated your thread?

Sorry for the hijack, Kev.

Stacy

[CityGirl]

Thanks Stacy! You are so kind to be thinking of me.

So much has happened and medically I have had a bit of a rough time as of late. I will update later tonight. I sometimes hesitate to update as nobody needs to hear about medical issues because we all have them! Thanks again and I will update later!

[MrBond]

bingo with what everyone's telling you.

Be happy that you have more time. now what are you going to do with that time? And I mean what are you REALLY going to do? What happened to that list you came up with earlier. How many DB goals have you checked off?

[25yearsmlc]

Kev,

I agree with CG that while you have gotten a legal reprieve, your w probably lacked the funds to finalize now (and you say she is doing this without a L?? Please tell me YOU have one, right??? OMG I'm feeling dizzy with shock b/c I just have the feeling you are "winging" this whole thing like a kid covering his ears cuz he doesn't want to hear the scary noises...). No L, no furniture or very little (so nice to live in squalor b/c that;s all you deserve? Or you thought that if she wanted to reconcile at the last minute you would be removing an obstacle by NOT having good furniture in your home b/c THAT would prevent her from wanting to reconcile???...OH and who cares if your 'ds have very little furniture b/c all that matters is making it as easy as possible on the tiny chance that your w would want you back but would NOT want to "move so much stuff"...does this make sense to you really? Doesn't it actually make it clear you have not accepted the divorce AND that you don't feel deserving of having a nice place? how'd the decorating go? Did you only do the girls rooms? What is still missing from the home for YOU to have a home?

WE know she'll have to pay YOU money when it's all finalized...SO isn't it MOST LIKELY that she didn't finalize the divorce, b/c SHE SAVES HER MONEY BY NOT BEING DIVORCED AND SINCE YOU ARE NOT IN HER FACE ANYMORE SHE CAN RELAX A BIT....financially and around you. So yeah, she's nicer now. Great. If she were mean to you, then maybe YOU"D file and YOU WOULD GET MONEY FROM HER....SO YEAH, SHE HAS A FINANCIAL REASON FOR BEING NICE TO YOU TOO....

But yes, for some reason, you are not legally divorced and if that motivates you to ACTUALLY DB, then so be it. So, yes, USE THIS TIME to really DB. The 100 days I mentioned was 100 days of YOU NOT BACKSLIDING WITH YOUR NEEDINESS...2 days ago you wanted to have a FAMILY NIGHT with your w...wth?
The 100 days---
No invitations to her unless solely related to the kids AND NO "dates" and no discussion of what YOU miss/want/need/OR FEAR and NO questions to her about what SHE wants/needs/is thinking/doing/feeling who she is seeing or how that is going or whether your mil likes you more now....for 100 days..NO talk of the future together. NONE...IF SHE BRINGS A FUTURE TOGETHER UP, THEN JUST LISTEN....say nothing....

SO in effect, 100 days of you NOT NEEDING HER for you to be happy ENOUGH for that day...and check off each day knowing you can always be miserable again later....just not that day...one day at a time in which you won't let HER dictate how YOUR DAY goes or how your time with your girls goes OR how you see yourself...can you do this for 100 days? I believe I can do ANYTHING IMPORTANT for 100 days...is this important? Do you understand what I'm asking you to do? Do you know why? Do you? Please answer.


IOW, can you act strong and as if you are bringing something to the table for your w to LOVE and RESPECT --(OTHER THAN YOUR NEEDS, WHICH ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL?) And do you see how UNloving it is to only "need" someone...that's IT HAS BEEN all about your needs...not hers...not your daughter's....just you and Kevin and Kev and K4Dallas....

As for the Xanax, while I concur you don't want to switch one drug ADDICTION for another I DISAGREE with SOME of the fears expressed here. It is a benzodiapine and certainly can be addictive and when the time comes for stopping it, you should wean off. BUT my take on Kev is this: if he comes off HERE ON THIS BOARD as super needy and clingy, imagine how his real life is going. He was not able to keep his last job or concentrate on new skills and he has to do that. I get the feeling that in person, he WAS projecting himself to be a basketcase...

So, for now, I'm thinking it's what the meds are for. I mentioned that I took them when my father got sick and died (and again when h was first leaving) and I never felt "good" taking them but the negative thought process did slow a lot. Also for my dad, I did stop having horrible nightmares and was not afraid to go to sleep and at small doses, I was able to make it through my day at work, without 34 phone calls to ask if there'd been a change in my dad's condition. A few months later, I just stopped over a period of maybe 3 days and except for SOME insomnia, I did not have a withdrawal. CG, I KNOW YOU DID and I get that. Don't know about the role of lupus (which totally sucks btw) or maybe I just don't recall feeling bad or whatever...but a long time ago I went thru a 12 step program so I AM aware of your concerns, and with Kev's history, I Share them.

I just feel that, no offense Kevin, you don't seem to have basic coping skills these days and you really need to learn them and while the meds are there to calm you down enough TO LEARN THOSE SKILLS so you can do the cognitive (thinking, mental part) work you need to do to learn new ways of THINKING.

I worry you were likely projecting a pretty extreme case of anxiety and neediness and the cycles of disturbed thinking and repetitive mistakes and needing so much affirmation and approval (from W or us mostly)...reeks of someone who needs more than just talk. I sense a chemical imbalance but hey, I am NOT qualified to diagnose here by any means...but I AGAIN ASK YOU KEVIN, WHEN IS THE C BEGINNING?? (Don't forget his mom died a year ago too).

So, okay, for WHATEVER reason the divorce has not been legally finalized. Fine. IF IT HAD BEEN FINALIZED what would be different?

what would YOU be doing differently? Moving on with your life? Why not do that anyhow? Doesn't mean give up, it means MOVE ON...would you
GAL? Why not do that anyhow? Woudl you stop letting her do anything she wants? Like Not letting her into your apartment while you were not even there?????
You saw no double standard there? Why didn't you speak up? What were you afraid of, that her anger would mean she does not respect you? Even if she learns to respect you, it'll only be expressed as anger at first anyhow....she'll test you to see if you'll back down with HER ANGER --and I guess YOU WILL BACK DOWN and fail the respect test....She could be setting you up snooping or finding your meds!!! BINGO!!!! So she can get FULL custody and you'll get NO MONEY FROM HER and won't get the kids as much, or she could be snooping and now she knows you have NOTHING for her to worry about b/c there is zero mystery in your life. Your needs are glowing in the DAY to her.

Why do you let her know you are still taking meds? Tell her your pulled muscle in the shoulder cleared up and you didn't like the muscle relaxant they gave you, so you quit.... but do NOT tell her you are taking pscyh meds...please...please...

BUT if the meds were there in the apartment, or the script was, she knows...so just tell her later on you are not taking them anymore b/c they made you too sleepy, and leave it at that. It is NONE of her business and will fuel her belief that you you are too weak for her...

b]Kev you are the one not giving US encouragement...[/b]

So Kev, give us some sign that you get this, some actual progress by ACTION or plan of action/silence about your needs or worries, the 100 days plan SOMETHING.....so we know we are not posting here for nothing.

(( j ))

[CityGirl]

I just wanted to clarify what I was trying to say (RE: meds). I realize this is my opinion and perhaps I should have not jumped on my soapbox but its something I feel is worth mentioning based on personal experience.

No matter who you are, the medical choices you make are up to you and your medical team. There isnt a right or wrong medical choice. I realize we all have different needs, medical histories, medical conditions and access to all different kinds of healthcare and nobody can advise anybody based simply on message board postings.

I myself have a chronic and incurable disease called Systemic Lupus. Lupus goes out of remission during times of great stress and in my case, attacks my joints and kidneys. Obviously going through a divorce and separation for 14 months causes stress. In my case though it wasnt just stress, it was unbearable anxiety due to lupus, all the divorce BS and financial struggles. It was making my lupus very active and making me sick (in a physical sense I mean). That is exactly how I wound up in the hospital in April. I am not asking for sympathy nor do I want any, I am just trying to illustrate my progression.

I was prescribed Xanax for my anxiety, Lexapro (anti depressant) and a drug called Inderal (beta blocker) which helps slow the heart rate down to a normal speed because my heart was constantly racing due to anxiety. In addition, I am taking my usual lupus meds.

Now, my lupus meds (as designed) alter the pH of my cells so the auto immune antibodies that my body makes dont keep attacking my kidneys and joints. That also means that I react to meds in a different way due to the way the pH of my cells are altered from my lupus meds.

(yes, I realize this is boring but I do have a point)

I am a small woman - I am five foot 3 and I weigh just 100 pounds so even in small doses Xanax was a killer for me. I was taking the very lowest dose they make (.5). I was walking into walls, seeing things in 3's and my gosh, I even fell off the toilet one day I was so out of it. There were full days I dont even remember other than pacing around my apartment for 12 or 14 hours because I felt so screwed up. One day I went to take my Xanax and I dropped it and I felt like a junkie because I was searching for it like some sort of addict.

Now, my primary dr. gave me Xanax because the day I went to see her I was close to having a nervous breakdown and I dont say that in jest. Her objective in giving me the Xanax was to give me some immediate relief and not to offer me a long term solution. And in that case I do think Xanax is useful. She actually wanted to admit me to the hospital again because my heart rate was so fast and I was in such a state of anxiety she felt it was dangerous for me not to be in care due to physical and mental exhaustion along with my lupus flare.

I had to do lots of fast talking to be able to go home but she got me in to see a psych. as an emergency consult that night. In his opinion he said Xanax is a *very* dangerous drug because it is so highly addictive. In his opinion the addiction period for Xanax is 14 days. All I can say is that was my experience and coming off Xanax was not a pleasant experience. I am not saying that is how it would be for everybody but for me it was. I honestly felt like I was going to die which did not help my lupus.

My psych. is a firm believer in meds like this being the bridge to getting better. Because you sure as hell cant sit in a counselors office and actually learn or absorb what is being discussed when your heart is racing so fast you feel like you might die, you are sweating and shaking and you cant see straight. And those are physical symptoms of anxiety. So, the meds help alter the phsyical symptoms so you can have the ability to work on the emotional side of things without feeling like your body might explode from stress.

IMO if you are only taking pills and doing nothing else (counseling) you are really making a very bad choice. Because you will feel better in a physical sense but that is it - your emotional health will not improve. Sure, you might not feel as "nuts" but overall, you wont be improving yourself as an individual.

My psych. uses a 4 part plan.... meds to help the phsyical side, counseling to help the emotional side, participation in emotional support (support groups, family, friends) and a spiritual practice (could be religion, gratitude journals, yoga... whatever it is you chooose). If you are not willing to participate in all 4 parts of the plan then he will not keep you as a patient. He works *very* closely with the therapists and does not listen to excuses - as he said, meds arent candy to make you happy, they are bridges to a healthy mind and body.

Now, this is my opinion and experience. It is not the only right way to look at things and I respect all experiences and opinions. I am just saying that if you are taking any sort of meds for anxiety do not discount the need to use them in conjunction w/counseling AND dr's that are very skilled in prescribing these sorts of meds. IMO they are nothing to fool around with.

I dont want to make anybody mad or come across as I am disrespecting any medical choices one might make. I am just sharing my opinion and experience.

Thanks for the forum to do so.

[25yearsmlc]

I just wanted to clarify what I was trying to say (RE: meds). I realize this is my opinion and perhaps I should have not jumped on my soapbox but its something I feel is worth mentioning based on personal experience.

No matter who you are, the medical choices you make are up to you and your medical team. There isnt a right or wrong medical choice. I realize we all have different needs, medical histories, medical conditions and access to all different kinds of healthcare and nobody can advise anybody based simply on message board postings.

I myself have a chronic and incurable disease called Systemic Lupus. L

I am a small woman - I am five foot 3 and I weigh just 100 pounds so even in small doses Xanax was a killer for me. I was taking the very lowest dose they make (.5).

(FYI no biggie, but they do make .25 now and you can break those in half too)

IMO if you are only taking pills and doing nothing else (counseling) you are really making a very bad choice. Because you will feel better in a physical sense but that is it - your emotional health will not improve. Sure, you might not feel as "nuts" but overall, you wont be improving yourself as an individual.

[b]THIS IS THE MAIN POINT OF WHAT WE ARE ALL SAYING KEV -AND WHY WE KEEP HARPING ON THE THINKING PROCESS (THE COGNITIVE PART) AND WHY I KEEP ASKING ABOUT THE COUNSELLING AND WHEN IT WILL START.... WELL???
Otherwise you may as well say, "Oh I decided pills were better than alcohol... and i don't want to grow up". YOU yourself said you think maybe b/c of the drinking you are not as mature as you should be, (no experience in "manning up" b/c you "never had to before now" and you are 34 years old...and that is typical of drinkers who start drinking at an early age. They numb their feelings and stunt their development. Want to stunt your growth some more? I can promise you that while you'll never have a good woman in your life, and your d's won't respect you, it MIGHT make tonight easier... [/b]

I dont want to make anybody mad or come across as I am disrespecting any medical choices one might make. I am just sharing my opinion and experience.
I GET THAT. SAME HERE.

Thanks for the forum to do so.

So kev no one is telling you what to do or not to do about the meds except get c and see what they say. And be careful. But we are ALL saying you need some professional help ON TOP OF OR INSTEAD OF THE PILLS... and there is NO reason for you not to have gotten SOME c or therapy by now. Who are you talking with? Come on, throw us a bone so we know you are listening AND following through...

j-

[K4D]

Throw you all a bone. Ok. I don't have the funds for C right now and I called the free service again and still have not heard back from them. I have no doubt that I have a chemical imbalance. I think that has become obvious to me. But I am on long term meds that should help that out. The xanax was only temporary until the long term stuff kicks in. I only took half a dosage today and still came home and took a nap. So I obviously don't want to stay on the xanax.

I am starting to make friends at church that have been through this that I talk to. I am even getting involved in a group called christians serving others. They go around and help people do things that they can't do on their own. More elderly than anything.

I guess I was just so excited that W didn't show up to finish off the D today. It was a relief and happy moment. It wasn't due to lack of funds as there is nothing more she has to pay for. I didn't come after her for child support. I let her have what she wanted for the most part.

But I get what you all are saying about the xanax, I think you have more than made your point on that.

I'm glad you all care. I really am. And I guess I got a little excited for nothing today. I just know that I really prayed hard that this D would be dismissed and somehow it happened. I thought ok, I have some more time to work with. How can I best utilize this opportunity I thought.

But then I got blasted for being happy about being given a bit more time to maybe work on things some more before they become final.

I did not tell my W what the meds were for. I just told her I needed to have something checked on me. She asked if it was an infection. I said sort of yes. That was the end of that. She was fine with it and said she had taken meds before that made her drowsy to so she understood that one.

As far as finding another woman. I don't want another woman. I have given that one a lot of thought. And I just don't see myself being happy with anyone else. I think I would have the problem of always comparing her to my W before she became like this and thats not fair to the new woman.

Besides, I have 2 daughters. Who wants to take on 2 girls that aren't there own. And they would have to treat my girls wonderful before I could even look at them being with me.

I did eat dinner with Lnlyrzr last night and I had a good time with him. I think we were out until almost midnight.

Tonite I have my kids back. Today was their last day of school. They both made all A's and B's. I was very proud of them.

Tomorrow night I am going to a friends house to learn more about his business he runs. I'm hoping I can take that and do something with it.

My plan for 100 days? I'm still thinking that one through. I will get back to you on that one though.

Kevin

[MrBond]

Threw us a bone?

Kevin, you really know how to treat us right. I don't think you "read" everyone's posts to you. I really hope you recover from all this.

[K4D]

Stuck808,

I'm not sure I follow. Did I say something wrong? I was just trying to explain myself.

Kevin