Divorce looming #14

[25yearsmlc]

Kev,

I agree with CG that while you have gotten a legal reprieve, your w probably lacked the funds to finalize now (and you say she is doing this without a L?? Please tell me YOU have one, right??? OMG I'm feeling dizzy with shock b/c I just have the feeling you are "winging" this whole thing like a kid covering his ears cuz he doesn't want to hear the scary noises...). No L, no furniture or very little (so nice to live in squalor b/c that;s all you deserve? Or you thought that if she wanted to reconcile at the last minute you would be removing an obstacle by NOT having good furniture in your home b/c THAT would prevent her from wanting to reconcile???...OH and who cares if your 'ds have very little furniture b/c all that matters is making it as easy as possible on the tiny chance that your w would want you back but would NOT want to "move so much stuff"...does this make sense to you really? Doesn't it actually make it clear you have not accepted the divorce AND that you don't feel deserving of having a nice place? how'd the decorating go? Did you only do the girls rooms? What is still missing from the home for YOU to have a home?

WE know she'll have to pay YOU money when it's all finalized...SO isn't it MOST LIKELY that she didn't finalize the divorce, b/c SHE SAVES HER MONEY BY NOT BEING DIVORCED AND SINCE YOU ARE NOT IN HER FACE ANYMORE SHE CAN RELAX A BIT....financially and around you. So yeah, she's nicer now. Great. If she were mean to you, then maybe YOU"D file and YOU WOULD GET MONEY FROM HER....SO YEAH, SHE HAS A FINANCIAL REASON FOR BEING NICE TO YOU TOO....

But yes, for some reason, you are not legally divorced and if that motivates you to ACTUALLY DB, then so be it. So, yes, USE THIS TIME to really DB. The 100 days I mentioned was 100 days of YOU NOT BACKSLIDING WITH YOUR NEEDINESS...2 days ago you wanted to have a FAMILY NIGHT with your w...wth?
The 100 days---
No invitations to her unless solely related to the kids AND NO "dates" and no discussion of what YOU miss/want/need/OR FEAR and NO questions to her about what SHE wants/needs/is thinking/doing/feeling who she is seeing or how that is going or whether your mil likes you more now....for 100 days..NO talk of the future together. NONE...IF SHE BRINGS A FUTURE TOGETHER UP, THEN JUST LISTEN....say nothing....

SO in effect, 100 days of you NOT NEEDING HER for you to be happy ENOUGH for that day...and check off each day knowing you can always be miserable again later....just not that day...one day at a time in which you won't let HER dictate how YOUR DAY goes or how your time with your girls goes OR how you see yourself...can you do this for 100 days? I believe I can do ANYTHING IMPORTANT for 100 days...is this important? Do you understand what I'm asking you to do? Do you know why? Do you? Please answer.


IOW, can you act strong and as if you are bringing something to the table for your w to LOVE and RESPECT --(OTHER THAN YOUR NEEDS, WHICH ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL?) And do you see how UNloving it is to only "need" someone...that's IT HAS BEEN all about your needs...not hers...not your daughter's....just you and Kevin and Kev and K4Dallas....

As for the Xanax, while I concur you don't want to switch one drug ADDICTION for another I DISAGREE with SOME of the fears expressed here. It is a benzodiapine and certainly can be addictive and when the time comes for stopping it, you should wean off. BUT my take on Kev is this: if he comes off HERE ON THIS BOARD as super needy and clingy, imagine how his real life is going. He was not able to keep his last job or concentrate on new skills and he has to do that. I get the feeling that in person, he WAS projecting himself to be a basketcase...

So, for now, I'm thinking it's what the meds are for. I mentioned that I took them when my father got sick and died (and again when h was first leaving) and I never felt "good" taking them but the negative thought process did slow a lot. Also for my dad, I did stop having horrible nightmares and was not afraid to go to sleep and at small doses, I was able to make it through my day at work, without 34 phone calls to ask if there'd been a change in my dad's condition. A few months later, I just stopped over a period of maybe 3 days and except for SOME insomnia, I did not have a withdrawal. CG, I KNOW YOU DID and I get that. Don't know about the role of lupus (which totally sucks btw) or maybe I just don't recall feeling bad or whatever...but a long time ago I went thru a 12 step program so I AM aware of your concerns, and with Kev's history, I Share them.

I just feel that, no offense Kevin, you don't seem to have basic coping skills these days and you really need to learn them and while the meds are there to calm you down enough TO LEARN THOSE SKILLS so you can do the cognitive (thinking, mental part) work you need to do to learn new ways of THINKING.

I worry you were likely projecting a pretty extreme case of anxiety and neediness and the cycles of disturbed thinking and repetitive mistakes and needing so much affirmation and approval (from W or us mostly)...reeks of someone who needs more than just talk. I sense a chemical imbalance but hey, I am NOT qualified to diagnose here by any means...but I AGAIN ASK YOU KEVIN, WHEN IS THE C BEGINNING?? (Don't forget his mom died a year ago too).

So, okay, for WHATEVER reason the divorce has not been legally finalized. Fine. IF IT HAD BEEN FINALIZED what would be different?

what would YOU be doing differently? Moving on with your life? Why not do that anyhow? Doesn't mean give up, it means MOVE ON...would you
GAL? Why not do that anyhow? Woudl you stop letting her do anything she wants? Like Not letting her into your apartment while you were not even there?????
You saw no double standard there? Why didn't you speak up? What were you afraid of, that her anger would mean she does not respect you? Even if she learns to respect you, it'll only be expressed as anger at first anyhow....she'll test you to see if you'll back down with HER ANGER --and I guess YOU WILL BACK DOWN and fail the respect test....She could be setting you up snooping or finding your meds!!! BINGO!!!! So she can get FULL custody and you'll get NO MONEY FROM HER and won't get the kids as much, or she could be snooping and now she knows you have NOTHING for her to worry about b/c there is zero mystery in your life. Your needs are glowing in the DAY to her.

Why do you let her know you are still taking meds? Tell her your pulled muscle in the shoulder cleared up and you didn't like the muscle relaxant they gave you, so you quit.... but do NOT tell her you are taking pscyh meds...please...please...

BUT if the meds were there in the apartment, or the script was, she knows...so just tell her later on you are not taking them anymore b/c they made you too sleepy, and leave it at that. It is NONE of her business and will fuel her belief that you you are too weak for her...

b]Kev you are the one not giving US encouragement...[/b]

So Kev, give us some sign that you get this, some actual progress by ACTION or plan of action/silence about your needs or worries, the 100 days plan SOMETHING.....so we know we are not posting here for nothing.

(( j ))