I don't know if you all have realized it, but music is my conduit of emotion. I heard this song today and the words to it spoke strongly to me. I feel this way most of the time - afraid that without the pain, the emptiness and nothingness will take over. I was amazed to hear a song that said it all. It's death metal, so if you look it up you're forewarned!
"Pain" by Three Days Grace
Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
You're sick of feeling numb You're not the only one I'll take you by the hand And I'll show you a world that you can understand This life is filled with hurt When happiness doesn't work Trust me and take my hand When the lights go out you will understand
Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Anger and agony Are better than misery Trust me I've got a plan When the lights go off you will understand
Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing Rather feel pain
I know (I know I know I know I know) That you're wounded You know (You know you know you know you know) That I'm here to save you You know (You know you know you know you know) I'm always here for you I know (I know I know I know I know) That you'll thank me later
Pain, without love Pain, can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Rather feel pain than nothing at all Rather feel pain
Thanks for visiting me. I'm stopping by likewise to see how you're doing. I'm pretty pants at offering good tea and sympathy but I'm so sorry you're feeling in pain. I never know the right thing to say in these situations..... I guess the way I think is that all things change- you're having a tough time at the moment but things won't always be like this, they really won't. This is a time to sow. Eventually (I really believe this) there will be a time to reap.
You are right Lisa, there will be a time, at some point, that things will turn. NO clue when that might be.....hopefully before I'm driven over the edge.
The point of the song was just that sometimes I think we tend to hold on to pain because the fear of numbness is worse. How can you ever feel happy and at peace again if you can't feel anything at all? See where I was headed with that....waxing philosophical again. I should really give that up.
I'm not in pain really right now, just more ho hum. Bored to tears with life, frustrated with Marc and his lack of self-motivation when it comes to school and life in general (he definitely gets that naturally enough...from his father!), and angry with myself for not being able to change some things in my life that I seriously need to change. So, not pain....just frustration. At least it's a feeling though, not nothing.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
The point of the song was just that sometimes I think we tend to hold on to pain because the fear of numbness is worse. How can you ever feel happy and at peace again if you can't feel anything at all?
Mishka, this spoke to me. I have often felt this way...through the D and with what I am going through right now. I can remember people telling me during the D that it would quit hurting and me thinking that I didn't want it to quit hurting, I didn't want to feel nothing.
As for the changes you want to make for yourself that you feel you should be able to change...how about writing them down and what you need to do to get there? Make sure you don't have unrealistic expectations of yourself.
Thank you for coming by Kris. I appreciate the effort it takes when you are feeling the way you are right now.
I have written down the changes I want to make, the problem with most of them is that logistically, it's impossible. I want to go back to school. I can't even go to school online right now because I have no time to concentrate on anything other than surviving my disasterous life. That's the biggie! I have been able to work in at least 30 minutes of exercise per day to my life whether it is on my eliptical in front of the TV at night or a walk outside or riding my bike. I've managed it so far and hope to continue to do so. Even that 30 minutes is hard to squeeze out when I'm pulled in so many directions taking care of everyone else. I still do battle with my self-imposed guilt feelings when I put myself before doing something for someone else. Don't get me wrong, if it were a drastic situation that they had to have help with right then I drop everything, if not then I put myself first and that still goes totally against the grain.
So, is going back to school to earn a degree to improve my financial situation eventually unrealistic? Probably. I think I'm stuck, but I SO don't want to be.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I understand the guilt associated with putting yourself first, but if you don't take care of yourself you may not be around to help those that need you. Taking care of yourself is not selfish.
I will use the analogy that I have used on my own thread. I used to be a flight attendant and we would do the oxygen mask demo. I always thought it was wrong to put the mask on the adult first, it should go on the child.
Then while going through my divorce I finally got it. I have to put it on the adult(me) first so that I can help the kids and help others. If I put it on the child first they may not know what to do and everyone could perish. (Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but you get the point. And in case you were wondering, I never was a cheerleader though I wanted to be. Just too darn shy).
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I should really give that up.