Thank you so much for the time and thought you put into my life.
I AM confused, and I CAN'T decide. My friends keep asking me "What do you want?", and I keep telling them "I don't know, and I don't think I need to know yet!" I've been trying to have the strategy you laid out Sandi. I want to see if my W and I could at least take some steps toward something new and see how it feels before I decide anything. What's wrong with that? Sometimes the attitude on the board here, and with my friends and family, is that this will only be resolved if my W comes crashing down, then comes back to me, begging for forgiveness. I don't see that happening. They don't like me "pursuing" her, because they don't think she deserves it, or me. Maybe she doesn't.
Only she and I know where this all came from. She knows she was wrong to do what she did, but she knows, and I know, that something was fundamentally missing from our M. Although part of me likes to think we could have made our way through it from within our M, if I am honest with myself, I have to face the truth that this probably was the only way to throw us far enough away from each other to allow us to see each other with truly new eyes. You can tell from my posts that we have a connection, we have since almost the moment we met. Our recent time together has shown me that her A and our separation have not severed that connection. Even through the MLC/WAW fog, that line is there.
It means very much to me for you to say she seems like she adores me. I can feel it coming from her, but she fights it now. Part of her hates it. She knows that feeling she has toward me has led her to so much pain and lonliness. She wants an intense love, whereas ours was closeness, trust, friendship. The thing is, I wanted that intense love too. We were just so mired in our life responsibilities, kids, house, jobs, etc, that there was so little time and energy left to put towards making each other feel truly special. My HUGE mistake was just giving in to that, and not fighting against it. Now she's got this OM, where every one of their interactions is essentially a fantasy vacation. They share no responsibilities. I'm sure it's fun and exciting, but I wonder if she's starting to feel its hollowness, as compared to our connection, which is twisted, tied, strained, and can feel restrictive, but is based on real sharing of life. That's why I am making a big effort to add this tone of intensity to our interactions now. I look deep into her eyes all the time when I talk with her. I say what I'm thinking. I don't hold back, regardless of what those thoughts are ;-). I want her to know she can have everything we used to have, PLUS a new intimacy and intensity. I was so pleased with myself when she expressed she would be intimidated by me were we to start dating romantically. Now that's the kind of change I'm talking about!
So, your big questions. How valuable is she to me? Very. Am I willing to hang in for a while longer? Yes. How long? I'm not sure. Could I get past the A? If she were to truly give herself back to me, yes.
Not quite sure how the ball is in my court, but I'll try to see it that way. "Get some rest"... good advice! I have prayed almost every day about my situation, and I'll continue to do so.
By the way, the song "Amazing Grace" chokes me up EVERY time I hear it.
