Thanks for responding. Actually I help around the house quite a bit (cleaning, washing dishes, changing kids diapers, washing cars, etc.). I think her LL is more Words of Affirmation. I think she got it from her boss who might have built up her self-esteem. I've been inserting compliments here and there and trying to not have them seem fake.
"I would lovingly challenge your W on some of her comments. She says she wants to be left alone. You - I feel a little confused by that because you seemed to really enjoy our time together like the other night at the dinner table. Help me understand why you feel that way?"
I tried a variation of this to try and understand her POV, but she just told me that she didn't mean anything by it and she wants a D. That seems to be her canned answer if I get "too deep".
As a whole, my W doesn't share her emotions and feelings. When we were first dating, I would notice she would be quiet and ask her what was wrong. She would just say "nothing", then tell me 3 days later, "you know when I was quiet 3 days ago? well it was because..." And it might not have even been about me. Sometimes I wouldn't even remember what she was talking about because it was such a long lag.
So what I've recently learned is that when she tells me something, no matter how small, it's important to her. Many of the WAWs on here talk about how they kept telling their Hs about what was wrong and they couldn't get the hint. Well my W says things once, sometimes even in casual conversations and expects me to "understand". I think for the majority of our R I've been mindreading her. Believe me, from day one I've always asked her if something was wrong, or how was her day, etc. just to get her to open up. She would just say "my day was okay" or "nothing's wrong". Even though obviously there is.
I consider myself pretty open and very easy to talk to. I'm even the shoulder all of my friends come to for advice or just to have someone to listen to them. The only person who has never come to me for that is my W.
Personally, I think she's looking for a "father figure". Someone who just takes care of her like a child. Not really caring about her "feelings", but someone who she "feels" safe with, but personally and financially. I always felt I was more of a "father figure" to her and sometimes would mention it to her. She would just dismiss it. Then along comes her boss, who seems to have it all together, is successful, older, more mature, and a bit of a flirt, etc. Everything she believes she wants in a man that I had "outlived".
What do you think?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Just FYI, this OM looks like her grandfather...literally. Her grandfather was the only positive male role model in her life. Her dad left their family when she was six and never came home. So when we were first dating up to the month that she left (17 years mind you), she would ask me if I would ever cheat on her and that there was never a good reason to cheat on somebody, etc. Boy was I surprised when I found out what she did. She even denied it. I kind of blew up when I told her that she had some nerve to ask me about cheating (and I have never done it) when she did it herself.
First of all, it doesn't matter what he looks like or that he's not as successful as you are- or whatever the case may be. Many times when a spouse has an affair they "affair down". It's not about all of that- more about the way he makes her "feel" and people who are engaging in an affair are all about how they "feel" and their "feelings and emotions".
I myself hated cheaters and talked about people who did. I was really up there on my moral highhorse. I had attended the same church for 17 years- taught Sunday School- Vacation Bible School etc. I never thought I would get where I did- but I did. I'm an extremely strong person due to what I have suffered in my life so it's amazing to me that at that point I could be so weak.
So do you think that she's seemingly depressed and distant (emotionally empty) because the OM isn't a presence any more? In this case, she still says she wants out.
Any thoughts? Coach? Anyone else?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
So what I've recently learned is that when she tells me something, no matter how small, it's important to her. Many of the WAWs on here talk about how they kept telling their Hs about what was wrong and they couldn't get the hint. Well my W says things once, sometimes even in casual conversations and expects me to "understand". I think for the majority of our R I've been mindreading her. Believe me, from day one I've always asked her if something was wrong, or how was her day, etc. just to get her to open up. She would just say "my day was okay" or "nothing's wrong". Even though obviously there is.
Wow! we are married to twins separated at birth
I have the same issue. An open conversation with my W is one where she uses a full sentence including an adjective to describe her feelings: "I feel empty". After that, she feels she has completely expressed it, there is no more to say, and if I don't fully understand ("What do you mean by 'empty'?") then I am just not listening to her...
Just letting you know you are not alone...
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
So do you think that she's seemingly depressed and distant (emotionally empty) because the OM isn't a presence any more? In this case, she still says she wants out.
Any thoughts? Coach? Anyone else?
Yes, I think that she's in withdrawal- or cannot go through withdrawal because she still sees OM. It's a bad idea for them to have contact. Because every time she sees him it's just like ripping the bandaid all over again- or taking another hit of the crack pipe.
I can relate with the "empty" feeling. I had that too. What I didn't realize is that my "hole" is a God sized hole that only He can fill- not anything else. Not my home, not my job, not my children- but that's just for me personally.
It's great that you were able to find that revelation and I hope my W can see that much of the conflict resides within herself.
Of course, it would be much easier if God were to strike the OM with lightning. It might not improve our sitch, but I'd feel much better! LOL!
For years I tried to fill it with everything- my job, my marriage, my children, building a new home, new man etc. You get to the point where what filled you up before doesn't do it anymore- so you go to the next thing. Don't know if that makes sense or not. It is really all about that "hole".
It actually does make alot of sense. It's what an MLC is all about. Where all of your accomplishments of the past (relationships, career, home, etc.) don't seem to give you fulfillment any more. For those who successfully come out of MLC, they re-evaluate and build on what they have rather than tearing everything down and starting from scratch.
Unfortunately that's where my W's head is at now. A very telling sign is that she told me "the things I thought I wanted aren't important any more." That's the MLC talking. You feel so empty in that void and so "unhappy" that you do anything that makes you feel happy such as entering into an affair. You aren't dealing with the root of your problem, just putting a band aid on it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I agree I did reorganize my priorities- the big house and new car didn't seem that important to me all of a sudden. Just needed to stop the big gaping wound in my chest.
I forgot- do you have kids?
One thing I can promise you is that she has not prepared for someone else to be tucking them in at night- as in another woman one day. If you could get her to think about that it might wake her up a bit.
I was prepared to not be married to my exH anymore- I was not prepared for how I would feel once stepmom started painting my daughters fingernails and things like that. Very painful- and I had never even considered it.
