W is at work now so the D will definitely be dismissed.
I am thrilled. Confused but thrilled. I'm not sure why she let it lapse. But I will take it.
She has to have forgotten about it. Nothing else would make sense unless she started to have doubts and just didn't say anything to me. Its very strange. But I am so happy about this right now.
I am going DB hardcore now.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I don't know. Just be more hardcore. I feel like I have been given a second chance in a way as far as time goes. Its an opportunity to really step up to the plate and hope for the best. I have to apply all the advice I have been given like never before now. This is critical. I had a prayer answered and I have to make the most of this opportunity more than ever.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Okay then, if you take this as a blessing, what do you plan to do now in terms of DBing?
I understand we SEEM hard on you, but how about showing us some encouragement by doing some of the DB things that you said you would do from the beginning.
Seeing a C, GAL that's not centered around your sitch or your kids, what ever happened to going to an AA meeting.
Right now you're finding happiness in a (pill) bottle which is only a temporary fix. If you were an alcoholic before, you know that it's easy to substitute one addiction for another.
How about showing some of that and you'll get more encouragement. The only person you're fooling is yourself and in the end you will lose, not us, you.
We're not posting to you for our health or because we don't have anything better to do. We do it because we care and see you digging yourself into a hole. All we're doing is throwing you the ladder. It's up to you to climb it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Please allow me to say a few things and I *really* hope you think about them long and hard.
#1. Divorce (the actual decree, the paperwork so to speak) is just that - paper. For a very long time now you should have had it in your mind that for all practical purposes you are divorced. You and your W do not share a home, romance, emotions or any sort of connection that is needed in a marriage. She has dabbled in R's outside of the marriage. Divorce decree or not, you basically have been divorced for some time. Yes, the paperwork makes it official but if you look at the big picture, you havent been married for months and months.
Do I think your W simply forgot to file the final decree? No, I do not. My guess is her finances played a roll in it as she has mentioned things are tight for her right now. We could speculate all day but what is the point? Trust me, WAS do not just "forget" to file what needs to be filed and when they dont file there could be a million reasons (lack of funds, guilt, the realization that they will be the ones paying support, waiting fo the children to get more settled, waiting to see if your temp. job pans out so she can avoid support). Like I said... millions of reasons and if I was a betting woman all of those reasons are to serve her and her best interest, not yours.
So, if I were you I would scrap the idea that your prayers were answered. What has happened here is your W didnt finalize most probably for her own self serving reasons. If I am wrong then great but seeing your W's patterns and motives I dont feel I am that far off base.
Nothing has really changed other than her being slightly more civil to you in recent weeks. And yes, that is a positive but it may not mean a darn thing other than she is finally relaxing because you both have your own spaces and you arent around her all the time. IIRC she has been rather open to you about her new friend and that should speak volumes right there (the older man).
Your W needs to be a non entity to you right now. Other than co-parenting duties she simply has to be a passerby in your life. DB isnt always about saving a marriage but its how to save yourself so *you* dont bust as an individual. You still cant be alone, you are still needy and clingy, you are still fearful, you are still resistant to building your own life, you still worry about things that arent a priority right now, you have made goals but have done nothing to execute them and you still base all your actions and decisions on what your W may or may not do.
Think of it this way - if you were in a happy/stable marriage you would not have run off to Florida and left your kids. So, clearly somewhere in your own mind you also behaved as somebody who already was divorced.
As I see it, you are only doing certain things because you *have* to not because you *want* to. You found an apt. because you had no choice and your W did not want you at home. You are going to meetup groups so you can surround yourself with people who are also in your situation instead of trying to find new and positive people. You dwell and chatter and obsess.
About these pills - they are not a quick fix and should ONLY be used to help you combat the physical side of stress and anxiety. They should be used merely as a bridge so when you do go to C'ing you can really focus and absorb and not be sitting there in a state of panic or anxiety. They will help the physical side that stress and anxiety brings out but that is all. You need to do the work. It takes 2 weeks to become addicted to Xanax - ask me how I know. Because *I* was addicted to Xanax and it wasnt pretty. I was on Xanax for 3 weeks at a very low dose (.5mg) taken twice a day and IMO that drug is the devil. I went through 4 days of withdrawal that I dont care to repeat ever. EVER.
Many will disagree and that is fine - but any primary dr. in their right mind that prescribes Xanax or other pills w/o requiring you to see a psych. to monitor these meds in conjunction with a trained counselor should lose their ability to practice medicine. These drugs are NOTHING to fool around with.
I see a psych. to monitor my anti anxiety meds (Lexapro and a beta blocker to slow my heart rate down when I have anxiety). However, I also see a counselor and my psych. and counselor work very closely together. My psych's approach is the meds are the bridge to remove the physical side of anxiety (racing heart and all that goes w/panic attacks), the counseling can only be effective if your body is not in a state of panic, emotional support and some sort of spiritual guidance is his plan that ALL patients must follow.
I dont really want to debate this - I am sharing a very personal experience because I can tell you coming off Xanax was pure and utter hell for me. Combine that with my lupus and well, I was in bad shape for a while.
Do not rely ONLY on the pills - get C'ing and get yourself a good dr. that can monitor what is going in your body.
In fact be careful of any casually prescribed psy Rx from a family doc. Yes, a physical exam and labs are a good idea to make sure there isn't a physical cause of your anxiety/depression but psy meds aren't easy to get right. Go to someone with experience.
I struggled for several years with recurrent depression and dysthymia. While the family doc did the best he could, I only got partial relief. (Indeed once, he got it very wrong and my Rx sent me into complete disarray - I was such a mess of high and low moods. The worst weeks of my life.). Family docs just don't have the time to work through the dx and they don't have the experience to get the Rx right. I only got full relief once I consulted a psychiatrist.
My psychologist, psychiatrist, and family doc work as a team.
Also as CityGirl says, meds are only a bridge until you get on stable ground. The real recovery takes work from you.
Last edited by orangedog; 06/04/0907:21 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Ok, I follow you all with the xanax. But can't I enjoy just a little bit of happiness that a little more time has been bought that maybe I can use to put my best foot forward and try and make some sort of a difference? I mean anything is possible if done right.
Yes I know she is going out again tonite. But hey, I have some more time to work on things. She won't file right away again. Its time and time is a gift that has been given to me again whatever the reason may be. I have it for now. Thats a huge plus.
I refuse to look at the negative today. I'm looking at this as an opportunity to continue to show I am worthy.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Kevin I really think you are missing the point of what everyone is trying to tell you. You are just way to focused on your W. Maybe this is the event you needed to start DBing (because you really haven't yet), I hope so.
Go read SP's thread THAT'S DBing.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
No one is looking at the not filing as "negative". We're only concerned because once again, your whole mood depends on what your wife is doing or not doing. For example, your remark about the "happiness" you feel now. Too bad that will only be a fleeting feeling until your W does or does not do something that plummets you back down into your cycle of depression, whining, self pity, etc.
Please heed the words of others regarding meds. I've never had a problem with them, but have had family members become addicted to Xanax -- it's a very potent and potently addictive drug.
