he was back, i think

[mdoodles]

im not ok. did alright during the day but now im sad.

took my son to a birthday party. last time we were at that party place, life seemed good and h was home.

people ask me about the store and i go on like its great, when i know its going to close.

i miss him. i spoke to him before and it sucks.

i want him to be here.

is it the game of winning him? i dont even know anymore.

[mdoodles]

im tired of waking up upset.

i dont know how to quit, i dont know how to give up.

or is it that im not allowing myself to?

i try to think that way, as if i am done with him, but my mind cant even go there.

maybe over time it will or maybe im just not done?

maybe some people are never done, maybe life moves on and yet some people just still hold out hope?

is it just the way i am, the way i always hope for the happy ending?

i dont know.

i may go into the store today, i need some cheese and chicken cutlets, and id rather not pay for it if we sell it.

ive been avoiding going there, as i always seem more upset when i leave.

[kissak]

Mdoodles, is there any way you can send someone for the stuff you need from the store? Since you have a hard time when you go there?

[stillloveshim]

Hi Mdoodles
I understand exactly how you feel. My H is going to a lawyer today. The stupid OW is still calling him. I'm pretty sure they are just friends now, but I'm also pretty sure they are just friends on HER side, he wants more, she doesn't so he takes what he can get.
I want my husband home too. But I'm starting to brace myself for impact and the big D. I know it's coming now. He's had a such a strong happy taste of single hood, he's never coming home to us.
He's supposed to call me today after his meeting. I'll have a better idea then about our demise.

[mdoodles]

went to the store today. took a delivery, didnt even get a tip, how rude lol.

we talked about store stuff, steered clear of our relationship stuff, only validated him when he spoke, although i could have reeled into him on many occasions but i knew that wouldnt get me anywhere.

i told him i would like him to come by today after work and he said ok.

he is certainly softening and if it werent for the store and the house and the time constraints, i would feel alittle better.

[mdoodles]

have i mentioned tomorrow is my birthday?

i always loved my birthday, love the cakes and cards and goodies that make a birthday special, im like a little kid...

getting manicure/pedicure in the morning with my best friend and then will figure out the rest of the day from there.

my parents want to go out for dinner, i guess i will do that.

i had such high expectations for this birthday, that i had thought h was home, figured we would go to my favorite restaurant together, figured the baker from our store would make me a special cake (i love dessert, chocolate cake especially!).

oh well.

but who knows, my life changes everyday, i never know what might take place...

[kissak]

Hope you have a Happy Birthday!

[vickyd]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Enjoy the day. No one can take that day away from you.

[mdoodles]

thanks!

so h was here, came by after work, brought me a chocolate cake, some other goodies and had our son make a card for tomorrow morning.

so not like him. hmmm.

then he lingered around me, played with me like normal and then did his usual, im leaving, for me to say no, stay.

i played the part, we had some intimate contact (not sure how else to say it),,,

he kept saying, but i have to take the delivery, supposed to be there already, and i was like, oh well, traffic.

so weird. not sure how to play it from here.

clearly he isnt sold with his decision of last week. i can sense it is still weird between us, but wanting to be normal, or whatever normal is for us.

not sure how to proceed from here.

i will alittle nervous putting myself out there, i thought maybe i read him wrong and he would be like, i told u we are done or something like that.

didnt happen.

hmm.

[PositivelyMommy]

Happy birthday mdoodles.