Need to really make changes for me (thread #3)

[karen43]

From people I've talked to and in my sitch, I don't think most D lawyers are reasonable or affordable. But it'll maybe me worth it anyway; fresh start and all that? How are you doing PMA and all that? Karen

[vickyd]

Hi mdoodles, H and I have been separated since Sept. with him living with OW. So I'm looking to get a legal separation in place. Remember I was looking at my legal options to get something set up to clarify our outstanding debt and such. So I think the legal separation would be a good option.

Karen: I'm doing well actually. Haven't spoken to H since Monday. I've been trying to keep up my PMA. I need to actually for my own well being. Haven't felt totally sad. I've been missing H still and feeling lonely at times but been GALing to fill the void.

So my attorney got back to me and she will set up the agreement for $1500. Yippee. She will put that H is responsible for the legal cost- figure let him contest that, but I have to pay the retainer up front so I know it will be a struggle to get him to pay. Hey, the best part of the legal contract is that we will not be able to divorce for 1 year after it is submitted to the court. I think that's good b/c it gives me a set deadline. If this goes through and after a yr H and I are still here, then I will do the divorce. I know that will be more than enough time. So I'm actually really comfortable with this next step. My thought is that since we're separated lets spell out the terms that we will operate under and if we reconcile we should have a reconciliation agreement too.

I know it will shock my H when he gets served with it. Goooood!!

[vickyd]

So my former therapist called me today to check in on me since I stopped session some months ago. I think he's a wonderful man but isn't it funny I feel hopeless kinda lousy when I speak to him. Isnt that a bad sign - I don't know if its me or him. Maybe telling a stranger about my sitch makes me see from the outside looking in. Sometimes I even wonder if he's trying to push me to do the divorce. Dunno. Anyway, that's why I stopped session. I figure I need to just work on keeping up my PMA and the sessions were just bringing me down emotionally. I'm kinda feeling like these feelings are better left suppressed I guess.

[mdoodles]

hey vicky, u and i should hang out when we are feeling lonely, we live so close to eachother!

i never set up our legal separation. i dont want to, although i should, for financial reasons.

regarding the divorce a year from the separation, i know my lawyer told me that u can add into the agreement, that whoever files for the divorce has to pay the health insurance for x amount of years - always assuming i wouldnt want the divorce made that sound nice!

i know what u mean about the therapists. they look for us to have some form of resolution, so it gets frustrating.

i have been seeing the same one off and on for 10 years or so. she is finally losing all patience on my patience for h!

[vickyd]

Hi guys, so much for PMA. Been having a bad day starting from last night. I don't know why I let my H keep on pulling me back in and its like no matter how hard I try I keep getting sucked back in. So H called yesterday and I didn't answer. Last night driving home I decided to call him back. I begged myself that when I call back I would be cool as a cucumber. But nope, got sucked right back in. He went into he's calling to see how I'm doing. And since I haven't been calling in wanted to know if I'm seeing someone else and he knows I'm not telling the truth when I say no I'm just chilling and then brought up but he's coming back home but he's just getting things right. And that got me started. I asked what is one thing you have done to begin to come back home. Have you looked at a place for OW. And then I asked what will happen when she can't afford the rent etc. Will you keep trying to "do what right for your son". So of course he tried to get out of the conversation since he didn't like having this about him now. And that get me more mad b/c he can ask me questions but I must not ask him anything. After we hanged up I called him back saying H look I have feelings, you keep forgetting that I have feelings. And you make decisions not thinking about my feelings. So then the rollercoaster had started and again its like I just couldn't stop myself, I texted him after
Me: the longer you stretch this out the deeper hurt my feelings will be so go ahead and hurt me more if u want to. I don't care.
H: I don't want to do that I swear
Me: Well you r doing it
H: I am sorry
Me:Not if u keep hurting me over and over and over again
Me: And then you want me to give u more time to keep huirting me
Me: Let's be honest here you've had almost 6 yrs and u still need more time. I think the hour glass is almost ourt of sand. You gotta expect that to happen right?
Me: U know until u have moved & have that to tell me pl don't call to see how I'm doing. Tell yourself she's still hurt but living.
H: could u stop
Me: (after calming down) Listen I'm alright ok, I don't want to fight anymore. Just go ahead & do ur thing. I'm shilling & enjoying my life & will be ok. Alright.

And then it didn't stop there, I woke up this morning thinking about this whole f- up situation and got pissed some more. I called H and told him this: I realized that his decision are based on 1. what's good for H? 2. what's good for H's ons? 3. what's good to keep the friendship with OW? 4. what's good for other woman's daughter since she's only a child? And then after if ever it's what good for Vicky, what's good for my marriage? And now he wants time to make sure, h is good, son is good, ow is good, and ow's daughter is good. And then he wants to focus on the M. I told him that I need a man that will consider what's good for me first. Of course H was ready to run from this conversation. And he did. Then I was talking to my mother and she said maybe I should right this down and tell him this since he shutdown when there's too much words. So I text him that his decisions are 1.2.3.4. He said oh hut up now. I actually can understand that in hindsight.

Oh, bad bad day. Then BIL calls me and we were talking and he said how he saw H last night and how he can't believe that it has been so long and how he feels so bad for me and last week after I had dinner here he felt so bad when they all left and I was home alone. He said he told H would have come to his senses by now but he looks happy. BIL said he doesn't even really talk to him much now b/c he doesn't understand how he could do what he did. I told him no pity party here I am fine living alone - didn't want him to know it is lonely as hell. Even hyped it up that I would move to another country all alone and that I much rather be here alone than with H driving me crazy. Afterward though I felt awful and feeling like crap that people are taking pity on me. I hate that H has put me in this situation. People use to admire me and now they take pity. So I called H telling him that I'm mad at this whole situation. And of course he wasn't happy to have this conversation at all so it didn't really go anywhere and I apologized for even calling him. This whole day has been a big waste of conversations and emotions. I even started crying today and praying to go why so long am I in this sitation and I want this void in my heart to be filled. I'm so exhauted with this all.

Finally I texted him again: Hey H sorry again about earlier - emotions took over and was having a moment of sadness. Hope u understand. I feel betta & hope u do too.

[mdoodles]

i can so sympathize with u. we did not choose these situations we are in. if someone told us 10 years ago that this is what would happen, im sure i can say for u that u would not say, ok great! lets do it! lol.

but we are in it and i think that we stick it out because we say, we came this far, maybe something will change tomorrow, right? that is my thinking.

i am exactly like u, i would be great at keeping to myself, then one day, i let it and end up apologizing.

i have zero advice to offer, wish i could help.

even if i said put a time frame on it in your head, i bet the time would come and go.

maybe focus on putting together the separation agreement? i mean, legally separated, u are still married, but u can look at is a way to move on and if he wants to come back, he still can.

wish i could help more.

[karen43]

Finally I texted him again: Hey H sorry again about earlier - emotions took over and was having a moment of sadness. Hope u understand. I feel betta & hope u do too.

You know you need to stop the R talk. Has it ever improved your sitch or PMA? It doesn't seem to. But if you do, then I don't think you should apologize to him. You said the truth. Karen

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Finally I texted him again: Hey H sorry again about earlier - emotions took over and was having a moment of sadness. Hope u understand. I feel betta & hope u do too.

You know you need to stop the R talk. Has it ever improved your sitch or PMA? It doesn't seem to. But if you do, then I don't think you should apologize to him. You said the truth. Karen

I agree 100%.

Puppy

[vickyd]

Hi Guys, thanks for the advice. I agree too. I just don't know why this is so hard for me to just move on. I've prayed and prayed for God to help me to get over this man. I can't stand feeling this way anymore. I just don't know when this feeling will end.

Today I'm not doing well at all. I feel so hopeless that this is all just a waste of my time. I actaully really think that H and I really will not get back together. I think from the outside looking in everyone sees it too. Like my sister said today she really doesn't know of any man that leaves and goes and lives with another woman and then returns. And really I don't know of any either. H has established a new life with these people whether I like it or not. He even told me that OW's daughter calls him daddy - that is some serious connection. I don't even know why I would even want him back. Sometimes its best to just count your loses. I mean lets be serious here - my H has a child with this woman, now is a step-father to her daughter, is taking care of tehm financially, and they are all dependent on him. OW doesn't drive or even have her license so H chaffeaur them everywhere. I even realized something, H has made arrangements for one of his younger cousin to pick up OW's daughter from school - and I'm sure H drops both children off to school and picks them up after school b/c my BIL tol me he saw H the other night at their aunts house picking up the little girl. Wow- that is some serious family bonds. I gotta admits this truly hurts after H and I were trying to hard to get pregnant and have a family. That is just so mean of him to just abandon me with no kids and go and create his family. I know I'm telling myself that all things work together for good and its good that I don't have any children with H because its easier to move on from him but this really hurts and I can't help myself or just make the hurt go away. Gosh I have been so good about not crying over this crap and now look at me.

I don't care whether moral or not I want to meet someone new and start my life over. I'm going to be 32 soon and if I keep this bullcrap up more years will go by and I will be left alone while H goes on with his family and have more kids with this little tramp. I really want to start dating and to start a new relationship. I think H gets so much of my attention since I don't have anyone else to focus on. Someone to make me feel special who will make decisions first based on what's good for me. I keep picturing that who knows years later I will be with my good husband and kids and H and OW will be miserable and their kids will not even have a good moral foundation to be good citizens. I not trying to wish bad on others but how could they hurt me so much when all I did was try to be a good peerson and a good wife to him. I never did anything wrong to him. I took care of him, provided a good home, and this is the thanks I get.

I can't even imagine H and I getting back together. How will he respect me put me first after treating me so lousy for so many years. How will get get over walking away from now from his son, OW, and her daughter, people who depend on him. I can see why H did leave - he always use to say that I don't need him - I make more money than H, went to college and grad school and am pretty independent. But I have never throw any of this in H face - God H has been the one supporting me to keep going on since I was in high school. Him being with me was the foundation for me to be strong. And I try to be such a humble person with everyone. But I think within him he was insecure with all this. Now with OW, he is completely needed. They are completely dependent on him to provide shelter, transportation, clothes, babysitting, everything. Why in the world would he come back to me alone who makes him feel like he hasn't accomplished enough. Funny thing is that H and I were going to start his business - he does video surveillance. But I know that's not going to happen now for him. It funny how people destroy all their blessings just to fill their egos. I truly feel that God was blessing H and I. We had made so many accomplishments at a young age. Both coming from poor families but were able to get two houses, cars, vacations all over. I guess none of that matters anymore, all material goods I guess that doesn't really mean anything.

Anyway, I vented enough. Just needed to let it all out. Thx for listening.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm truly sorry this is so hard for you, Vicky.

((((hugs)))) and nuzzles,

Puppy