WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Maybe this is part of the process of forgiving myself or the process of believing that I am prepared to for a life without my wife, but I am really annoyed.

I keep running it through my head of how she is destroying everything and ruining what could have been for the 4 of us. I just keep thinking how incredibly selfish of it because she just doesn't "feel" it any more.

I had felt sorry for her and sorry for my boys because of all the hurt.

But as my DB coach said, feelings come and go. You can't make a decision to destroy a family based on a feeling.

She hadn't called/text during the day today. It does bug me a little bit as I still haven't fully detached nor drop the rope. That's what I'm working on.

But I'm still annoyed.

I do have the boys tonite so that is something to look forward to. When I picked up my 3 year old to take him to baseball yesterday, he was all excited to show how he helped bake a cake at school. My two boys and I each ate a piece and really enjoyed it. Particularly my 3 year old as he told us how he and his class made it. His job was to put in an egg and he talked about how it got all over his hands and arms.

I'm going to try and bake a cake with them while I have them (she picks them back up on Sun AM). I just have to see what she left in the kitchen to bake a cake in.

I'm really trying to stay focused on the positive of seeing my boys tonite. I'm trying to figure out how to forgive myself so I can let go of the guilt/hurt.

I will remember my goal of spending this time with the boys without letting this situation distract any of us from enjoying our time together.

What she is doing is crazy, in my mind. It may make perfect sense in her mind, but I don't think anyone else can see it that way.

I guess the best revenge is to live well. And the boys and I will....