Why am I having such anxiety attacks !!! I kept hoping that my H would reconsider this Divorce. I have really tried DB'ing but it seems to no avail.
I admit I listen to him alot more than I ever have in the past. He treats me like his Buddy. I want to be his friend, but I also want to be his wife.
I made an error in judgement on June 1, (the evening after my last post) My H and I were texting each other. (he started it) It was just short, friendly ones. I thanked him for helping me out on sunday outside with burning. Like always he says no problem. I try to give him all the credit, how he is a working machine and I envy him for not getting tired. How he did such a good job taking care of us. (meant when he was living there). I also told him that I've realized that it is alot of hard work to take care of our animals, lawn work, etc, and not sure how he did it. ( I was trying to make him feel better). He comes back with, Yea it was hard when I had to do it all by myself. I said, I'm sorry for that but remember our D4 was small and was just a handful then or weather was to bad to take her out. But now I think we 3 work well together. He just said I know but too late.
Some short texts later, he asked if he could come over to snuggle with me. I almost fell over, I was shaking and sick to my stomach. Then I did what I always said I wouldn't do. I told him that would be nice if he wanted to snuggle with me. He came over 45 minutes later. He wanted to snuggle in our bed, I said ok. Well I had to let the dog out and check on D4. When I was done he was already in the bed with covers up to his chin.(said he was cold) I laid on top of the covers and he held his arm out so I could lay my head on his arm. He didn't really want to talk, and he never tried anything either. I did kiss him on the cheek. He started snoring big time, (which I never liked) now it was welcomed. I fell asleep still laying on his arm, with alot of thoughts going thru my mind. I just wanted to savor the short time left together. Almost like he was saying goodbye to me.
Woke up in the am, he was still there. Weird, I woke him at 5am and told him he had to get up for work. He asked for a soda to take to work, then he hugged me and left. He texted me later that morning, I told him thanks for snuggling with me. His typical, no problem. I told him it was nice waking up with him again. I asked him how he felt about that (I know, I was foolish to ask), he texted - different. That was the last time I heard from him tuesday am. He usually asks how D4 day went, but nothing. I foolishly tried to text him twice, tuesday pm but he never answered.
I feel really guilty about it, but proud of myself for snuggling only. I'm sure more could have happened but me thinking of his stripper friend, scared me away from anything other than snuggling.
I feel like I'm at square one. I shouldn't have allowed him to sleep there, because it reminds me of a one night stand. I also think he's not texting because he's afraid to.
Well, I'm very confused. With D set for June 29 (his choice) it's anyones guess as what is going on his mind.
Me: 46 H: 38 D: 6 M: 8-2-2003 Left Nov. 28, 2008 - He filed for D 2-18-09 1st D-Day was 6/9/09 H missing papers FINAL: 8/1/09 done thru the mail
misshim, did someone say being physical with your H was the wrong thing to do? IMO, it is not. BUT, you have to be emotionally prepared for your mood swings as well as his. Also, if he has been sexually intimate with someone else you have to be cautious...
Remember that a man usually needs the physical aspect to feel the emotional connection, while a woman needs the emotional connection to want the physical side.
You and H had a good day together, and a good night together. It's typical for a big withdrawal from them now. They get too close for comfort and have to step away again. Leave him be for now, and he'll be contacting you soon.
Be a buddy, be a safe place, let him garnish himself with all the good parts of the life he is leaving, let it call him back, but do not pursue him. My 2 cents.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I agree that you should leave him be for now. You don't know what's in his head, so stop second guessing. It's crazy making. Any time there is a closeness on any level be ready for them to avoid contact for awhile.
I don't see the cuddling as a bad thing either. WCW is right that the mood swings will sneak up on you, so you have to be ready.
Don't feel bad about your decision to let him come over, but use it as a guideline as to whether you want to possibly go there again. If you con't you get to make that choice.
Last night he was to drop D4 off at the house by 6pm (usual time), I thought I'd try something different. I came home and got all dressed up and texted him that I would be picking up D4 at his parents (where he lives) by 6. When I got there he wanted to know where I was going. I just told him we have plans tonight. Why, what do you need? Of course he didn't need me. He wanted to come over to take the weed wacker and try to sell it (for himself) then he said he would stay and snuggle till morning. WTH?? I would have loved it but I said D4 and I need you for alot longer than "till morning". He was a smart a** and said that's all the time he had b/c he had to go to work. Yea, Yea, I do to.
Felt funny, all dressed up just to go to the grocery store. But D4 and I had some laughs anyways. I got home and parked my truck in the barn so H wouldn't see it if he came by. Then I left tv and lights off all night just in case. I felt a little secretive but it was so peaceful, wrote in my journal off of the fish aquarium light.
I wanted him to come over so bad but I know to me it's his security of holding me. To him it doesn't mean anything except a place to sleep and get free soda in the am.
Where I get so confused is I want to be with him (of course) but the Dday is 25 days away. How will he even know that he will miss us when he's there. Or should I say ok for some nights and no for other?? Hard to pick and choose when I was used to him home every night in our bed for 7 years.
I know he will never be the person I married once he's thru with this crazyness. Knowing me, I'm sure I will still love him. I was always the fixer and the biggest lesson I learned was I CANNOT FIX HIM, THIS IS HIS JOURNEY.
I know I've asked before but do you think I should limit him when he can come over? It's hard because our schedule is H picks up D4 @ daycare mon, wed, friday, 4pm brings home 6pm and every other weekend. He always wants to hang at house when he brings d4 home. It would be hard for me to tell him he has to leave when he drops d4 off. I usually let him stay there. But he doesn't really talk (sometimes)to me, he just watches his outdoor hunting channel with our daughter sometimes he stays after he puts her to bed then other times he's in a hurry to leave.
Then there are the other nights that I get D4 from daycare and after she's in bed he'll text that he wants to come over. ARGH !! to snuggle
See why I'm going crazy !!!
Me: 46 H: 38 D: 6 M: 8-2-2003 Left Nov. 28, 2008 - He filed for D 2-18-09 1st D-Day was 6/9/09 H missing papers FINAL: 8/1/09 done thru the mail
I know I've asked before but do you think I should limit him when he can come over?
I wish I had an answer for you. I think what you really need to consider is how is it for you? Do you feel better? It doesn't sound like you do. I know you're thinking that "maybe, just maybe....", I just don't see it as a real positive in your life b/c even with him there what's your focus? Is it how soon this may all be over? How much you'll miss it? if it is, then you're telegraphing that to him. Believe me, I understand. Been there, done that and bought a number of t-shirts. <Sigh>
Could it do for you something it din't for me? Sure, anything is possible. Put some thought into what's best for you right now and in any given moment. It's hard and even when you think you know what's best for you, you may not always do it.
Just keep posting and venting away. That does help.
You are right, my focus is on the D-day and how much I will miss him. I get my thoughts confused when he is there. Always watching what I say to him (afraid to offend him). There is alot I'd like to say but in the old days of us I always "talked" from my heart and he hated that.
I've realized that he has felt unloved from his times of being a child. Just last Sunday he was playing baseball w/D4 in our front yard. T-ball and she is really a good hitter! Well, he wouldn't give much in compliments and I was going crazy, cheering, dancing, and whistling everytime she'd hit the ball. D4 was laughing and saying momma is silly. I told H that she is what it's all about. I will give her positive reactions when she tries things. I've always tried to build up her self esteem, she's a child and now is the time to build this in her for her future.
I didn't tell my H all of that (from above) but he was smiling at me being so silly with cheering, dancing, etc. Then out of the blue he says "my parents never, ever came to one of my wrestling meets in school but they always came to his brother's football and wrestling games. I told him that I was sorry to hear that but that is in the past. Now is the time to make sure that doesn't happen to our D4 as she grows. I told D4 that daddy & I will be your cheerleaders, so hit the ball hard. Well she did and with a little elbow in my H side we jumped up and down & carried on to our D4.
I looked at him, and said "see that wasn't so bad, to have fun and be silly and cheer on your daughter, she will never forget it" He just said "yea, guess you were right"
I reminded him to don't let his past get caught up in his future with D4.
His past is really haunting him (from relationship w/parents). Even at his age today his parents aren't affectionate with any of the 5 kids (however, they do love & hug their grandchildren)
In the past when I have been at his parents house, I always hug and give the in-laws kisses. They never quite knew what to think of it. My thoughts were, kill them with kindness. I guess I thought that might work with my H during our hard times. But he just has alot of haunting memories that he will not face. I really think that's why he left. Because WE love him and he can't face that fact because he doesn't know what it is to be loved.
Me: 46 H: 38 D: 6 M: 8-2-2003 Left Nov. 28, 2008 - He filed for D 2-18-09 1st D-Day was 6/9/09 H missing papers FINAL: 8/1/09 done thru the mail
I told him that I was sorry to hear that but that is in the past. Now is the time to make sure that doesn't happen to our D4 as she grows.
I think I would have gone is a slightly different direction with this something like "I'm really sorry to hear that, it must have really suc*ed." When you bring up D4 all the time (and I know she's in the front of your mind) it may not help. I know I have pretty much stopped H for feedback with regards to D's b/c he said he feels like I'm looking for him to "fix" whatever problem is current. I explained I wasn't looking for him to fix it and now I don't update much.
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I reminded him to don't let his past get caught up in his future with D4.
Don't remind him of this. He may be dealing with his past in some way or another and your reminders kind of sound like you're minimizing whatever he feels. I know that isn't the intent, but isn't there a road somewhere paved with good intentions?
I really appreciate the input. You have really helped me out. The things I feel that should be said are really not good choices.
I do feel bad for H on his past because he has always had issues with that. I'm just concerned that it will effect his relationship with our D4. But there I go again, trying to fix "their" relationship.
When will I ever learn. I really think he married me because I was older than him (more like the mother he wished he had.) He didn't want a wife, he wanted someone to take care of him. Not like I minded but I do believe it works both ways.
Oh my, I am losing it !!!!
Well my B-day is saturday and I made myself a plastic ice cream container full of brandy slushes. Just need to mix with some soda (maybe). I also took off of work tomorrow to pick up corn for cows, mow lawn, clean house, and be ready for saturday without any chores. I feel maybe a tiny bit guilty but saturday is going to be a me day !!
Take care and thanks for everything. I like "talking" to you more than I like talking to myself in the mirror these days. I'm thankful for all of your advice. Before I came here my only talks were either in the mirror or to my cows. whoopie !!
Me: 46 H: 38 D: 6 M: 8-2-2003 Left Nov. 28, 2008 - He filed for D 2-18-09 1st D-Day was 6/9/09 H missing papers FINAL: 8/1/09 done thru the mail
