How Do You Forgive?

[eternaloptimist]

I wouldn't expose just yet to friends or family, but I think you DEFINITELY need to expose his counselor. It's an unconscionable breach of professional ethics, and this woman is a PREDATOR and needs to be disciplined.

Puppy

Thanks for everyone's support these past few days! I can't express completely enough how much I value the wisdom, patience, and calm sentiments offered to me during this emotional chaos.

All was revealed to me last night, so I'll offer up the following story in the hopes that it might help someone else coping with an EA.

Last night, we were supposed to talk about the financial aspects of the big D. So, I put on my best sexy pjs and made sure that I looked my best. H read to our son and I got on the computer. I checked the screen capture software and saw that he'd logged into his work email, which he has not done for awhile. I wanted to see if he'd had any contact w/the therapist or another "friend" he'd been talking to about our friend's murder investigation. Honestly, he deletes everything now, so I didn't expect to find much. But, he's been sloppy. In his "Sent" folder, he still had some emails from his therapist.

So here's the heart crusher: He emailed his therapist back in the beginning of April--after I professed so much love and desire to work on the marriage in Feb and March---and H told her that in January he started to having feelings for HER! He tried to stop it but the feelings grew stronger and he couldn't ignore them anymore. {Ok, sidebar...any mental health professionals out there...this happens all the time in therapy, correct? The therapist's JOB is to MANAGE this, correct? Ok, back to our regularly-scheduled program.] He said that he didn't want to be "dishonest" with her and needed to tell her. He hoped that she could find it in her heart to forgive him for being so personal, but needed to be honest with her. This was a long email thread and she initially seemed to stay professional. But, later in the month, I guess that is when they met for their last face-to-face appointment, and she shared that she cared deeply for him too. Then my H asked if they could keep in touch outside of therapy until June 1st when our friend's murderer was going to be sentenced. So their EA lasted for about a month via phone, email, etc. Then I discovered her emails in mid-May and it all got exposed. So bottom line, my H had the classic TRANSFERENCE of feelings that most clients experience in therapy.

I confronted my H about the emails and of course he initially denied it. He got angry. I calmly told him that I didn't want to have any conversation until he could speak to me respectfully. Then he finally broke and said, "Ok, I'll come clean about everything. Just please talk to me. Let me explain." After I put our son to bed, he confessed everything. He said that he developed strong feelings for her but that it wasn't love. That he enjoyed talking to her b/c it was "easy" with "no conflict" and "no work." I thought this was important to note. The classic idealized situation that makes an affair so addictive. It makes you feel good, even though it's destructive. I said that I knew everything I needed to know and (Thanks, Puppy!) that I could not stay in a marriage with three people in it.

He agreed about this and said calmly that he doesn't think about her, that he has not had any contact with her whatsoever. My wanting to report her professionally pretty much killed it off for both of them.

For the rest of the night, we talked about it and he allowed me to ask questions. I asked if he loved her, he said no. I asked what his feelings were and he said that he didn't know how to explain it. I think it was just a strong sense of emotional safety. We talked about his "emotional walls" and that he pretty much shut everyone out, family and friends, except these two women he had an EA with. His response---there was a huge hole in his emotional wall and I chose to ignore it. [Not sure how to interpret that one.] I asked if he wanted to have sex with her, and he said no. I [perhaps stupidly] asked what would have happened next if I had not discovered this. He said that he didn't want it to go anywhere...she's married. I don't know if I can truly believe that b/c he was pursuing her with their private email accounts created to make sure that she didn't get into any job trouble.

Then, he grew very weary of explaining things and got angry. He said that he still feels the same about the marriage, that he's emotionally exhausted and doesn't know if he wants to be married. Period. He doesn't want to put the work into it b/c he doesn't think it will change anything. He's sorry that he hurt me and but says that b/c of our marriage he's a worse person. Our marriage has not made him a better person. Then he blamed me for pushing him to make such bad decisions. I did not let that go. I told him that I own what I did wrong in the marriage but HE is responsible for making the decisions to engage in the EA.

I don't know what to do now. After I showed my C the bruises on my arms from H restraining me when I confronted the therapist, my C kind of lost it. She said that he is abusive, emotionally and now physically. I feel blinded by my love I guess. I really want this marriage to work and have to take what my C said with a grain of salt. My H has never physically hurt me before and only did so, I think, to keep me from getting arrested or to keep the therapist's husband from finding out. I don't need her husband to go postal on me, H, or son. This is the only thing keeping me from reporting the therapist...I don't think client confidentiality can be ensured. There is no telling what her spouse might do if this were revealed. I know that I shouldn't care about the what-ifs, but I need to protect my family, whatever that ends up being. What if doing the right thing and reporting the therapist causes more harm to me and my family?

I'm so angry with H for bringing this into our lives. Today I don't feel much like DBing.