I've been lurking around here for a few days now, and my id was finally activated! I've been waiting to post to get some input on how to strategize for the next few months...
I'm 28, H is 29 - we've been married 5 years, together for 9 total. We have a 19-month-old daughter, and I'm almost 7 months pregnant with our second daughter. We just sold a house and built a new one within the past year (the move was in January).
Things seemed fine for a while up until a few months ago, H started hanging out with a friend/former coworker (also male) who was going through a breakup (friend also has a toddler girl). They started hanging out more often, talking more often, talking to me less, leaving in the evening to go to the gym (trying to pass army PT tests that he's had difficulty with) or go out as soon as D was in bed.
The more distant he became, the more hysterical and clingy I became (hormones suck!), he became more distant, to the point where there was no physical affection. I couldn't even get him to hold my hand.
Thinking back, the past two years have sucked. I graduated from college at the end of 06, and we decided H would join the National Guard. Found out we were expecting right before he enlisted, he went away to basic for four months, and while he was gone I was independent, surrounded myself with friends and family, and got on just fine on my own for the first time in my life. Around the time he returned/daughter was born, found out my brother had terminal cancer, H started working at a new job with very demanding hours, I had post-partum issues with hormones and stress, and I pretty much had been in a rut for the past two years. Didn't have my wakeup moment until after a hysterical phone call accusing my H of cheating on me (pretty sure this is not happening) that I've been insulating myself and piling everything on him for a long time, and he is probably sick of it.
Tried to be super-wife for two weeks - did him little favors all of the time, bending over backwards to please him and be there for him, but it didn't seem to work. Even though we were friendly there was still no affection.
Monday I finally asked him without histrionics to tell me what was going on. He said he was tired of being married, didn't feel the same way, although he still loved me he just wasn't happy. He is going to get an apartment at the end of the month and we'll get counseling starting in August (he doesn't want to do counseling while staying at home, and he will be out of town on military duty most of July). We'll see how things go from there. First day, I talked and talked and talked, and tried to justify and figure out what was going on in his head.
Yesterday, I decided just to let go for a while (and was reinforced by what I've been reading here). Stop calling him. Keep conversation light. Don't follow him around. Make plans for me. Instead of seeing this as another crappy thing to happen to me, I'm seeing it as one of the best things that could happen to me. Keeping positive, buying things for myself (instead of for him!), made plans to go out with friends on Saturday night, bought a ticket to a concert that's coming next month even though I don't know if anyone will be able to go with me. Trying to do a 180 for myself. I like myself better already! I'm putting on makeup every day now (I would only do it for special occasions before) and getting my hair done tonight.
I'm not afraid of being alone anymore, not afraid of being a single parent. I'd rather not (especially since I'll have a newborn in two months), but nothing I do for him will make him want to stay, so I'm getting to the point where I don't care if he does or not.
Hopefully I've got a good start... if anyone has any input or questions, please post away!
