New to this Community seeking advice

[healthydad]

JR09,

Glad to hear that you've got the anger stuff under control. Keep in mind that it's not always about channeling anger - sometimes it's about recognizing why certain things spark anger - and what that anger might be telling us about ourselves.

I know it's not easy to put the focus back on oneself - it took me a long, long time - and I was helped along the most by just a couple simple words written by Coach - those words were: wasted energy.

He brought up the idea of wasted energy when he noticed that I kept writing about what I wished could change in my wife - what I wished she could do to improve herself - and Coach, rightly, pointed out that I was wasting my own energy on something that I could do nothing about. After that, whenever I found myself trapped in my own thoughts/projections/fears(lots of that)/concerns/etc about my STBX I would think of wasted energy - and wonder if my behavior, my thoughts or my feelings were helping me grow - or wasting my energy and holding me back. For me, it was a life altering perspective shift - I don't know if these words would do the same for you, or for others, but that's the wonder of this site - there are lots of intelligent, compassionate people here that have the bravery to be very honest with us, even when we're in the most dire, (self) destructive pain of our lives.

To me, the fact that you're at this site says that you're a good man. Keep that kernel intact, build on it, and you will surpass your own expectations.

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Carlos,

THANKS. I needed to read that. The wasted energy concept makes a lot of sense...why focus on things you can't control?

Thanks again Carlos. I believe our respective situations put us through a refining fire which will ultimately make us better people...wasted energy turned into positive energy.

JR09

[healthydad]

Hey JR09,

How are you doing?

BTW...I don't know if you've already gotten this advice - but keep posting to others here as well - the more people you post to, the more you can build up your own kind of support network here.

It's very healthy to vent here, too.

Hope you're doing well.

-Carlos.

[Ready2Change]

I agree with healthydad. Pass out what you want to receive. Support others and you will get the support you need.

[JR09]

I called my WAW last night to tell her when I could link up with our boys again (I live 900 miles away from my W and kids. I am active duty military). I asked her about her health, her hobbies, the boys. She responded very nicely all the time. She also was pleased to know that I can link up soon with the boys again for 2 weeks.
She then asked me if I had received any answers from civilian job applications. I told her that I already had a job here in the service (I just cannot quit the service like I'd quit a civilian job. It's not that easy to do). She's been asking me this question off and on during the past 4 months. Is she hinting that she'd rather have me leave the service? I don't get it. The service is my only job. It is what puts food on my table and her table. It's what pays all our bills at this time.

Anyway, she didn't push the issue. She just asked me the question. I didn't react to it and answered very calmly that I already have a job for now. Then we switched to something else.

It's been a year now since my wife left. I have been very patient for the past year. I still love my wife very much. Maybe even more today. I am doing my best to DB and not push any issues at all, always staying calm when I call my wife each week. Other than being patient and continuing what I'm doing, what else can I do ? What other 180 or DB technique can I apply at this time?

My wife doesn't mention the divorce when we talk. She even hasn't pursued it at all legally speaking. It has been filed in JAN 09, but nothing has been done about it since then. We are now in JUN 09. I checked with the court. Nothing at all. I think my WAW would have pursued it if she really wanted to be divorced by now...But no action at all.

Anyway. Just venting. Maybe need some advice on what to do next after 1 year of separation. I am excited to see my 3 boys in a few weeks. Sure would like to invite my wife to come along. Is that appropriate or discouraged?

Thanks for any input.

JR09

[mnt_dreams]

jr - maybe it's time to try something different, and do invite her to do something. Something family-oriented with the kids and no pressure to talk unless she initiates it.

Do you have any ideas of what you'll do with the boys that she'd want to be a part of?

[Ready2Change]

Make family plans then politely invite her if she would like to join you. No pressure. Stay positive no matter her choice.....

[JR09]

Sorry I haven't posted for awhile. was gone to a military training...

I called my WAW to say Hi. Her first question was: "did your boss give you some time off to see the boys?" I told her I was given 2 weeks of leave. She asked me where I plan to take the boys and when would we link up. I gave her all the info she had questions about. She seemed pleased to know I was granted leave to see the boys.

Then I told her: "You are more than welcome to join us for a couple of days if you'd like to. That would be a lot of fun"

There was a pause on the other line. I just added: "if your schedule allows it, it would be great if you could join us". Another silent pause...

We chatted for a few more minutes then she beat me to the punch and said: "I have to go". so I said the same thing and we said goodbye to one another. I usually am pretty good at ending the conversation first. But this time she got me...

Anyway, no word about divorce or talking about the details of it since it was filed end of JAN 09...A few weeks ago my wife told me she filed a motion to keep the divorce proceedings in the courts(it may be dismissed since none of us have done anything about it...) She said I had "6 months, then I have to sign". I told her I didn't understand then remained silent.

Well, I ususally never do this, but I decided to call the court where she filed and check on the status of the filed divorce. The court clerk emailed back and said that no such motion has been filed and nothing has been done about this divorce since it's been filed in JAN 09.

I am trying to put a positive spin on this and hope that my WAW may not want a divorce after all. But I can't be sure.

So here I am after 1 full year of separation. I am hanging in there, GALing, reading DB and DR over and over, remembering the basics of DBing. It's not easy. But I believe it's worth the journey. I still don't feel it's time to call it quits.

Anybody has any input about my wife's reaction? Would like to have some feedback from you if you read this...THANKS.

JR09

[JR09]

Father's Day sure is hard without my boys around...Got a card from each of them yesterday. I have to stay strong. Patience is the key.

The thought sometimes comes to my mind wondering what my wife is up to. I wish I could call and say HI. I have been very good at DBing and NOT call. I do call to talk to the boys about every 3 days. My W is always really good at making sure they talk to me when I call her cell phone. I am also sure that my W reminded the boys about Father's Day and probably took them to get Father's Day cards.

Anyway. Got to stay strong.

JR09

[traveldane]

Hey JR,

Thanks for your post on my thread. It really helps to hear from someone who has been physically separated for a while. Lots of people here are DB'ing with their spouses still living in their homes. Presents its own challenges I know, but still provides lots of opportunity to show positive interaction. So its really nice to hear from someone dealing with the NC.

I'm really impressed with how you have been able to stay strong for so long. I can't imagine how tough it must be to be away from your boys.

Any word from your W. regarding spending time together when you will come to visit with your kids?

Hang in there today-happy fathers day.

TD