Yeah, we've all heard that one about changes are "too little, too late". My response was:
"I'm learning things about myself and making these changes for me. Whether my next relationship is with you or someone else, things are going to be different next time around."
And it's true.
What an excellent response orangedog. Even if it wasn't a response, just that attitude is excellent.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Sounds like a step in the positive direction. I would love to have a conversation with my W like that. She just hasn't brought it up, and I am unsure how to or even if I should initiate it - think not based on DB and it's only been 4 weeks since implementing my changes.
How have you acted around your W leading up to this? I would love to hear. I have been friendly towards my W, but not overly so. Interested in her job, life, but not too much. Do not want to pursue, but also do not want her to think I don't care and am coming to the same decision she did - D. How did you walk that fine line?
It has been 8 weeks since she dropped "the bomb" and over the last 4 weeks or so I have not once initiated any talk of the relationship. I have kept some distance, shown interest as a friend in things, been a good father, and when she does talk to her I have given her my undivided attention. In other words, I have not used words but actions to show her I love her and have made changes.
When she has brought up things, I listen and validate. I don't argue, don't defend myself. I agree with everything. It comes down to this: 1) no pressuring/pursuit, 2) agree with everything/validate, 3) act happy/no mooping or pity party, 4) actions not words.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
That's what I have been doing the last 4 weeks. Have not brought up any R talk or even asked about her activities - she tells me that information, which srprises me. Only part that has been hard has been acting happy. That has been better the last couple of weeks, but was pretty hard at first - just down, no emotional breakdowns in front of her.
This week, one of my goals has been to be more upbeat and happy no matter how I feel. Been doing pretty good with that while also battling allergies. Also trying to build my self confidence (I will be ok no matter what).
How long did it take your W to bring up the R for the 1st time - 8 weeks? Was she by chance reading any books on moving on after the D like my W is?
No, she hasn't been reading books. She has leaned on her support network of friends/family and who knows what else. She has brought things up from time to time all over the last 8 weeks. We did a lot of talking the first week or so, then it backed off. Most of things come up when we talk "business" of separation and stuff, that then evolves into a bit of R. There were several times in the first 4 weeks I would make my case for me changing and giving us another chance, which she flat out said no. Last night was the first time I brought it up in weeks(the look on her face I read as really wanting to hear what I had to say). There was even a couple times where we were interrupted by S or something, and she came back with "you were saying" or some such, wanting me to continue. That was empowering.
That being said, there is a lot of work to be done and a long way to go. I am in my paradox of believing the separation will go forward and the divorce will happen, but I have some god feelings as well that my actions are working and I am showing her what needs to be shown to create doubt.
Patience is the most important thing, and yes acting happy is the hardest. Just be positive, thinking with a soft heart. Logic is not involved here, it is all about empathy. The WAS is confused, hurt, and going through complex and changing emotions.
Check out both my threads and I think you will be able to get more of my case than this little summary. Thanks for the support! Good luck!
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
