WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Well take this for example:

"What I wanted to see was a partnership- someone who valued me- respected me- and most importantly someone who wanted to meet my needs. Someone who listened to me and took the time to intimately know me. "

She wanted a partnership - could she want you more involved at home with the day to day stuff? More involved with children perhaps. See a load of laundry sitting there waiting for her - get it done before she thinks to do it.

How do you show someone you value them? What is her love language? For instance, acts of service. What can you do for her without pointing it out? A hot cup of coffee first thing in the morning, free time made free because you took the kids somewhere?

ARGH!! This is exactly something she complained about a couple of weeks before she moved out. I was always heavily involved in the kids and would always take them out for a few hours with the intention of giving her a break. Of course she took it as a "hurt" that I would take the kids to the park or Chucky Cheese, but we would go out only 2-3 times/year. We had divided up the house work where I took care of all the outside stuff (mowing, shoveling and other yard work), the dishes and vacuuming while she took care of everything else. Her complaint to that was that she was mad that she had to ask me to do that.

Then I find out, about 4 weeks after she dropped the Divorce filing/bomb on me, her primary love languages were Words of Affirmation, Touch and Quality time (almost all ranked equally). I was more focused on giving her things and doing things for her (Gifts and Service). I completely missed the boat. She used to complain about how I used to give her back massages and foot rubs in the beginning but when she would ask for them, I bought her a massaging thumper and foot bath massager instead. ACK!!!!

Listen, listen, listen. She told you what she wanted. The most important part of communication is listening. You can't be talking when you are listening.

By listening and taking notes, you are going to get to know her intimately. Ask her open ended questions, zip your lip, and let her talk. And keep your eyes on her, nod at things she says, and let her know any word she utters is the only thing you are focused on at that moment.

Listen, we all got to this place because we couldn't see the handwriting on the wall. Often the WA tried to tell us in their own way and we only took it as complaints.

Right now, when it matters most, if we listen, show respect, give them space they will tell us what they need. They will tell us what we have to do and do consistently. When you are that person your wife described she will have the doubts.

So, talk less and listen more.

I know you can.

I am trying to listen. I had never been a good listener and coupled with her not being a good communicator really came to a disastor. Perhaps if I was a better listener, her way of communication would have been fine. I don't know. Can't change the past nor second guess it. It is what it is right now.

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and insight.