Quick update. We scheduled time last night to do a reflective talking exercise and it went well; I'm getting better at really listening without reaction. We both shared our thoughts and concerns and that led to good follow on conversation. When I asked why she never initiated the reflective discussions she said that they seemed to mostly address past issues and we've covered all that recently (privately and in counseling). She felt that I now understood how I had hurt her and that she didn't feel the need to rehash the past again and again. She also said that we have both been addressing conflicts as they happen and dealing with them immediately, effectively, so there was nothing "new" to be worried or complain about. She went on to say my transformation has been amazing and she is very proud of me but she can't believe it's real yet; it's way too soon. She asked for time to get past her issues and start to trust me again.
She also pointed out that she has made several small steps towards me (much friendlier, more time together with family, having more fun together) and she felt these were good things and gave her hope for us. Again, no promises, but we are making good progress and she was happy with me and with the way we were interacting now. I have just to keep doing the work, making the changes permanent and be a better man and that's the best i can hope for.
It's hard to accept that she might never open her heart up to me again (but I do accept that possibility) because I've worked so hard to become the right man. Regardless, I know that even if we can't come to a happy resolution I'll be a happier, more capable person and partner; I just hope that I can be that for her.
On my end, I communicated my concerns that I remain frustrated that my many attempts to engage her as an activity partner over the years were never successful and it's important for me to have that in my life, that it's one of the ways I feel connected to my partner. When we were first dating and married we did a lot of ballroom dancing but that died after 1.5 years and we've never replaced that communal activity with something else and I miss it; I need it.
I also talked about my concerns regarding our intimacy mismatch and we had a long talk about each persons perspective on how we got there, what we need to feel that, and that she is committed to looking at hormone therapy to try and enhance this issue. I can clearly see now that I did not give her the sort of emotional connectedness and friendship that she needs to want to ML and I'm working on that every day. She's agreed to read the 5 Love Languages and discuss her needs in detail, so that really helps.
Counseling again today, and the counselor indicated that we were ready for the next step and a new challenge so I'm really interested to see what's in store for us today.
Thanks again for listening and for the suggestions; I'm definitely making plans to expand my GAL and give her even more space at home. I'm also looking hard at PDT's suggestion. Hope you are all having a good day.......Mike
