WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Hi confussed......we are going to get you "unconfused" yet!

Sandi - I hope you are right! I think I try so hard to get unconfused that I confuse myself! Of course having a sore head from all the 2x4's that are flying around here isn't helping either - just kidding :-)

I do appreciate all the time and energy you put into sharing your insights with me. This must be particularly hard when you're recovering from the flu.

I've really spent a lot of time the last couple of nites rereading my threads and thinking/absorbing what people here have been telling me.

As for you deciding about being friends, just let me say that most couples have to have a cooling off period b/c everything is too fresh and raw.

Maybe that's why I am so torn on that decision. I'm trying it now, part of my change in DB/DR approach - as I will be friendly when she calls. As a friend, I will, model what KittyFish originally wrote "What I wanted to see was a partnership- someone who valued me- respected me- and most importantly someone who wanted to meet my needs. Someone who listened to me and took the time to intimately know me.". As Coach had pointed out, this is all about her. I'm not doing this because this as a ploy to win/trick my wife back, but is something that is needed even in a healthy co-parenting relationship.

What I find interesting is that what KittyFish posts seems to applies to true friends as well as your spouse.

BUT even friends will have boundaries. So, TODAY I will set a boundary that I will no longer be blamed for her hurt and pain. TODAY, I will not appologize for something that I already appologize for. If she can not accept the appology and forgive and let it go, that will be her cross to bear. I can not continue to bear her burden. TODAY I will begin to forgive myself.

I know I will not be perfect as I journey down this path, I will trip and fall, but know that there are people here who will pick me back up and help me with my wounds. At times, my boundaries may fall, but people here will supply me with 2x4's to rebuild the boundaries.

I know I will need to be stronger now than I have ever been in my life. I've had a lot of battles/hardships that I've fought through and I need to remind myself that not only did I survive them, I became stronger and better and thrived. I must have the confidence that I will continue to do that.

Oh, my. I am sorry if your head is sore from my 2x4's but this is not what you need to do. I may stand alone on this issue....from the other posters you've had. I haven't read all of the posts, so I don't know, but I can promise you that I do not stand alone on this principle (where the vets on the board are concerned)...no offense to anybody, BTW. And, I certainly don't stand alone on this principle where the WAW's are concerned! If you want to know what you are doing wrong, just ask the WAW's. Okay, so back to what I started to say....... ........So, were you trying to "work her"? I mean, were you trying to "settle her down"? Were you afraid that she would get off on another "let's have a blame game" and you were trying to put the brakes on before it started? I just think that is sad. How long have you had to live in that kind of environment? It isn't confusing her, sweetie, it just plain isn't working.

Sandi - I wasn't trying to work her. I was trying to be friendly. This is one area that has been really confusing for me in trying to gauge "results". I had been Dark/Dim and all I got was that I was being mean/cold and that I hadn't changed as she felt I was still ignoring her, not talking to her, etc.

I guess this is part of the fine balance of letting her know that I really still love her but I am prepared for a life without her. It's not a "trick" that I'm trying to do, but it's a reality. I know up to this point, I've done a poor job of letting her know I really do love her. All through out counseling last year, she would say how she knew I loved her but didn't feel it. I didn't understand what she meant, nor did our old counselor help me understand it either. I understand it now. Even when she left, she felt that all the changes I've made were just physical changes. I didn't understand that either until recently. She still doesn't feel/believe that I love her.

I suspect that she thinks, like my therapist keeps beating me up on, that I just want the safety, security and comfort of the family back together. Not because I love my wife, but because it was comfortable. That's not the kind of marriage that my wife wants to be in, nor do I. I want it to be a loving marriage, not just a comfortable one.

Hence, I'm trying to show her that I really do love her while I am prepared for a life without her.

Does that make sense? Or is that just crazy? Or is it so stupid, even coming from a DAM?

I have already told you in past posts, but your posts clearly pointed out that you did not agree and, in fact, took up for her. That is when I said that you were seeing her through eyes of love.......or else you have been in denial for a long time.

So is this what your gut still says?

"Frankly, I believe she moved out to get your attention! She is not GAL. She is not acting like a WAW who has OM ususally acts. So, I think it was to make a loud statement to you about her unhappiness. However, if she gets your attention by behaving like this, it would be the same principle of children getting what they want from bad behavior. She may think she wants you to go "crawling & begging" her to come home, but she would not respect you if you did. "

"She is not the typical WAW b/c she does not want to turn loose of her control over you. She wants you to chase and pursue her like in the romance books."

You had also mentioned that she was trying to control the situation/relationship now and trying to pull my strings like a puppet.

"she is not a forgiving person and hangs onto the hurt/anger and does not let it go"

"My personal thoughts about it all is that there may be "hope" after a D, but I don't see a lot of it now."

So did I capture your gut correctly? Or did I miss something?

The more I reread it and think about it, the more I think it's true - particularly the part on hope. That doesn't mean that I'm giving up hope, but just trying to face the reality (ala Coach - "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.")

So I do have faith that I will have a happy, better life than I have now (or in the last couple of years of my marriage)....

I will add that I think she has convinced you, after all these years, that she is a poor victim who has been hurt and just cannot take a chance on allowing you to do that again. Therefore, she chunks any hope of giving her boys a home with both parents there for them and a loving M for the two of you. That is what I call being very self-centered.

So.....there have been a lot of people hurt by other people in their lives. So have you! Look at her doing the hurt to you. What if you were to throw that back in her face and tell her that she has hurt you so badly that you can't trust her to give it another chance? You know what? SHE WOULD NOT HEAR YOU.

I had said that to her several times before. How I know I had hurt her in the past, but I didn't realize it so it was not a conscious choice. Now she is hurting me and the boys and that is her conscious choice. It is not my choice. That's all on her.

She got mad and just said that the boys will get over it and be fine. She said that it may hurt the boys now, but it will not be healthy for the boys to see grow up with parents with our relationship. That I can't blame her for any of this as she tried everything that she knew/could do and that I pushed her to this point and it hurts so bad that she has no good choice as this isn't what she wants either.

I had responded that if that's not what she wants either, than why is she doing it?

She never really responds to that one

Anothernightmare offered good insight - that right now she can't see her ever being happy with me.

A lot of unfairness happens to people, but if we grow up to be adults, like we are suppose to, then we realize that it doesn't HAVE to be the end if we CHOOSE differently. She, however, has not chosen any other way. I think she feeds off of the stuff that happen to her and she doesn't choose to let go b/c SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LET GO. A person has to want to get better and be happy. It is as if she just "dares" anybody to TRY and MAKE her happy. Well, it doesn't work that way, b/c nobody can MAKE another person happy. We are the only ones that have the power to make ourselves happy.

Ironically, I believe she thinks she is doing all this to escape the pain/hurt so she will be happy. Perhaps she hasn't found the happiness yet. Or what. I don't know. I do know she doesn't want to let go of the hurt. She's not ready to make that choice.

Oh sweetie (and I call my "favorites" sweetie....no offense intended)....if only you knew what I put myself through after I came out of the fog. I wanted to die. I think I would have felt much better if I had died. To live with what I had done was much, much harder. Forgiveness is a choice. We choose to forgive others. The second verse to that is that the same principle applies when forgiving ourselves. It is a choice. Easy? No way. Hardest thing I ever did. I did not deserve anybody's forgiveness....let alone my own. But in order to be better for my loved ones and to move forward in life and leave this horrible stuff in the past......I had to do it. At first, it was every day. I would face myself and all the "uglies" in me and tell myself that I chose to forgive myself. It isn't a "feeling"....it is a act of will. In time, a sense of peace finally comes, but for me, it sure took that "time". So, for your boys' sake and your other loved ones......and most of all for your own self.....please choose to forgive and to grow and live life. It is so sad that she chooses to live this emotional "death" when she could have a good life with you and the boys. Like I said....at this point....it is a case of survival.

Sandi - this really touched me, and it wasn't just the "sweetie" part.

I must have read this part at least a dozen times. That is why, at the start of this post, I am choosing that TODAY I will begin to forgive myself. I still don't know how to work through it, but I am making that choice TODAY.

Thank you so much for sharing your story and your strength is a real inspiration for me.

I'm not giving up on you and I don't want you to give up on your future. Now, I am going to say this again and hope you will not have a backslide. I still believe if you TRULY drop the rope, that message will come through to her loud and clear and she will finally wake up to what she needs to do. However, I think she will have to be convinced that you are serious and "make a believer out of her" before she stops with all the drama.

I know this has been awfully long, but I tried to make myself understood. That is not to say YOU can't understand......I mean that I don't know how to express it very well.

Sandi - I think you are being very clear on this. I think part of this is that I don't want to believe it. Perhaps that had been part of the communication problem between my wife and I. But that is in the PAST.

And you are right, the first person I have to convince that I am prepared for a life without my wife is ME. I don't like it, nor is it what I want, but it is what I need. It is what my boys need. For us to be prepared to live a happy, healthy and good life, with or without my wife a part of it.

Ouch. This hurts.