Don't help him out, leave his ass alone, this is his bed he is making and it sounds like you want it to make it comfortable for him.
You are correct on the backslides, this day was a perfect opportunity not to be there but you were all over him, with lunch, do you love me, get our picture back up. How long was he there, and all of this happened from you.
OK now it is over, you MUST react cognitively and not emotionally. Think before you say anything, and in fact say nothing unless spoken to.
I believe it is time to go very dark, but I do not think you have it in you and it would be the very best way to get him to be curious about you.
Do not ask for the keys unless he starts to use them and you are not comfortable with that. Then just ask him to leave them under the mat the next time he is there on his way out. Or if he really pisses you off and is coming over all of the time, then change the locks.
TIME TO GET STARTED, You have not yet begun. YOU CAN DO THIS!
Let's see how long it takes for him to contact you without you contacting him. Burt
Dburt,
Pad them 2x4's, bud. It took me a long time to be able to really DB. Great that you got it all perfectly the first time. I can only tell you that hard 2x4's drove me away from the BB more than once.
Hard 2x4's to a person that is already devastated by the bomb makes them feel like a failure and hurts their DB efforts in the near future. Just my OPINION, and also how it was for me.
When people would instead, understand where I was in the process and encourage me to pick myself up, take the next step, I could do this - I really felt I could.
We all have backslides and want to see immediate change. The important part of her posts were here side comments knowing what she shouldn't have done.
And I will say this is a long process. You can pick yourself up. What is done is done, but tomorrow is another day. And you will do better and grow more each day.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Actually, in my case I think I need Burt's toughlove coaching. I think it's good for me. It makes me want to challenge myself when he says "I don't have it in me to go dark."
I just need to be kind to myself when I make mistakes and realize that change doesn't happen overnight.
Maybe I needed a big backsliding day like yesterday to get it out of my system. I learned from yesterday, and I'm definitely not going to ask him any more R questions again.
It's time for me to live life and enjoy it! If H comes back, great. If he doesn't, his loss.
Me 40 H 43 T 4 years M 9 months Stepson 9 years old He left on 5/17/09
I will always call it like I see it, I will not sugar coat anything, I will hug you when you are doing well and scold you when you did wrong and encourage you to do right.
This is the only way I know how to "coach". I do this to help those in trouble, because people here helped me.
It is a long process....Focus on YOU......Enjoy "THE NOW".....That is all you have. Prepare for the future. Control your thoughts, words and actions......
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm so bummed out. I got back from helping a friend clean a house this morning, and I thought for sure WAH would have called to let me know how my stepson(SS) is doing. Last night was SS's first night at WAH's rental house. SS and I are close. How selfish to not even call or bring him over to visit me.
Is it okay if I called H to ask about SS or would that seem like pursuing? I want to continue being an important part of my stepson's life, but I guess I don't have any power right now.
WAH 43 Me 40 T 4 years M 9 months Stepson 9 WAH left on 5/17/09
I called and WAH about stepson but he didn't answer. So I decided to go over to his rental, as I drove up he was just pulling in. He didn't look happy to see me, so I asked him if he wanted me to leave. He said no. I asked him if he'd heard his cell ring. He said he didn't. I told him that I thought he'd heard it but that he just didn't want to talk to me. He showed me his cell sitting on the counter, he hadn't taken it to the store with him.
Stepson (autistic) didn't look happy. WAH told me that the store manager had gotten after stepson at the store. So stepson was irritated and didn't want company. WAH asked me to leave, I said sure, but asked him if he could step outside a few minutes and talk. I wanted to talk about spending time with stepson. WAH told me to email him, but I told him he never answers my emails. Stepson started screaming, so I left.
When I got home, I called WAH, but of course he didn't answer. I'm not going to call, email, or text him anymore. I'm not going to go over to his new place anymore either. Time to go dark, very dark.
I know I messed up pretty good today. Any advice on best way to go dark?
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4years M 9 months Stepson 9 WAH left on 5/17/09
Maybe I didn't backslide as much as I thought I did.
WAH and stepson just stopped over to pick up some trains. Stepson stayed in the car. But WAH was nice. I said I was sorry if I made he and stepson uncomfortable earlier. WAH said that stepson has been off today because of the grocery store manager getting after him for playing with price tags. I told WAH that it's important to me to remain a part of stepson's life. WAH agreed and said we just have to let stepson get acclimated first with the new changes.
I also told him that I think it's important for us to be friends again, and then we'll be ready to let something more blossom if that's the case. WAH agreed.
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4years M 9 months Stepson 9 WAH left on 5/17/09
Great job. I wouldn't have gone so far as to drive over to his rental, but a good start nonetheless. Take care of the child's needs first and foremost.
I can tell you love him very much.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Okay, so I have GAL plans tonight to go out to dinner with some new friends. I invited my WAH and stepson to come over here while I'm out to watch the Lakers game because they don't have cable yet. But now I'm thinking I shouldn't have extended the invitation.
After my WAH and I got married, we lived in this tiny town that his ex lived so we could be near his son. We didn't have any friends in that town,so we were together probably too much in the house. So we moved to a bigger town 25 miles away and ended up separated after only a month. But at least it's easier to GAL here and make friends and there's more to do.
I have a question. Should I bring up marriage counseling again to my WAH or would that seem like nagging and pressuring to him? I've gone twice but he hasn't expressed any interest in going with me. Should I just let it go and continue going by myself?
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4 years M 9 months Stepson 9 WAH left on 5/17/09
