Fire's burning out...just smoldering

[kassie]

I was there too a few months ago - when H and I separate last July I thought we would work things out within a few months. When it didn't happen, I came to this site and began the DB stuff, I saw it help me distant myself from the R. At times I felt worse and other times better this way. I think it is hard to let go when there is history, strong emotions, and children involved.

The letting go part is for yourself so that you can get your life back under your control. We may not be able to control the stitch but we can control our reactions. I think DB tech work period - it doesn't guarantee a spouse will return, only that you will have had better tools to work with. Either way, the tools help one to come out better than when they started.

I know if my H didn't return or it should suddenly not work out I will be ok. I didn't feel that way before starting here. I learned that you can't make a R work alone - the book says that one person can start the changes needed but it doesn't guarantee
a result. The reason it works or doesn't work has to do with what the other person wants. We don't get to control that - just our responses to them. Hard thing to accept. But the support here is the only reason I am ok today.

[Startingover2]

You are ok without your H...and most likely better off. I hear ya on how hard it is, but these two are very smooth and have a way of major mind games that keep us right there if we let it. You have come so far in putting distance there and starting your new life. I keep throwing myself under the bus!

You are beautiful! You have a beautiful daughter! This will not last forever for you. Someday someone special is going to sweep you off your feet and give you the life you deserve.

[blindsided1]

I am doing okay...really. I have relapses and sorrow filled days, still. But, not nearly as often as I did 3 short months ago. Everyday is different. Some are great, some are sad and some just are. The more I think about my H and see him CLEARLY, now, the more I don't want what he has to offer. Imagine...he leaves his pregnant wife, moves in with OW and she pays for everything, get her pregnant (probably didn't think he could), has a son with her, sees his daughter once a week, doesn't ask about her in between, and the whole time he is still trying to have sex with me. From the beginning, we were still having sex well into the first year of our separation. And, just last weekend, he asks me, again. So, it's hard for me to believe that his R with OW ISN'T shallow. I DO know that, that is not the kind of man I want as a partner...and God knows what he did during out M. I don't want to know. EVER

[Startingover2]

Nope you probably dont want to know. I don't either. I can only imagine.

When is your D final?

[blindsided1]

D will be final when I file the final paperwork. I was thinking about doing it on my birthday. Kind of sad, but maybe healing. Who knows?

[kassie]

I wouldn't advise filing on your BD - your emotions are still mixed and you don't need to think about it on that day for the rest of your life. Think about it.

And I agree with SO2, someday there will be another someone to sweep you off your feet when you are ready.

Let go of the thinking so much - it seems kind of crazy making. How about a pre-D ceremony where you and few close others can share in your plan to detach permanently and move forward. One last pity party and then celebrate if you want. Or write the story of your R, like a book with pictures, for yourself or your d to read when she is older.

For graduation, I had my exh's diamond reset into a necklace for my d so she can remember the good times forever. She is starting a R but has a lot of doubts and fears because of us - her parents. I am hoping to dispell some of those fears and remind her that there was a time when things were good.

[blindsided1]

Thanks Kas and SO2. You're right about the BD thing. I would have to be reminded every year. And, all my friends are planning a Divorce party for me....kinda funny.

A couple weeks ago I had a bbq at my house and H dropped K off and I lied to my friends and said that my brother was bringing her because if they knew H was outside, they would have jumped him. These are people that used to be good friends with him and go riding and hang out together. They can't stand him anymore.

[Startingover2]

Yeah, don't file on your bday. Get it overwith and done and try and put it past you. I remember having to sign my final papers. I put it off for weeks and finally I thought...why? Its not going to make a difference and if exh and I were going to get back together we could get remarried..(excuse me while I barf as I thought that would happen). Blindsided, show your H you are ok. Show him you are strong. Keep going with the CS and on with your life. Sometimes when I am down I think of how strong you are.

[blindsided1]

Thanks SO2. It makes me feel good that you think I am strong. Some days I don't feel so strong. Today is one of those days. I don't know why, but I do. I still snoop it never makes me feel good. I can see his FB page and stupid OW is always putting stuff on it about them. I know it is her way of trying too hard to show everyone how "perfect" their life is. She calls him her man and she has 4 kids (including MY daughter). I suppose its better than NOT acknowledging my daughter. But, who the F does she think she is? Seriously? I just need to tell myself to stop. I have to. It's ridiculous to continue to hurt myself and give her any opportunity to hurt me with her BS. Someday. Someday. She'll find out exactly who he is.

I was reading an old post by JenInVen. I cried reading about how she had been fighting so hard for her M and her H. Then he was shot. Just like that...you can lose someone so quickly. She contacted OW after that to tell her exactly how she felt (email, I think). Someday, I want to let OW know exactly how much damage she did to my M, my family and his family. I want her to feel like the piece of crap she is.

[Startingover2]

Your probably not feeling really strong because some milestones are coming...your bday and also K's bday. This is not how you envisioned your life being. I have alot going on too emotionally and its all I can do to keep it intact.

I keep forwarding the texts from my exh...be thankful you don't have to fight the emotional bs of wondering if he is sincere or not like I do. Still though, I know its tough.

OW probably does know who your H is. Let him be her problem.