I know you want answers and to understand why. What will that do for you exactly? The argument can be made that we want them so we can better understand ourselves and learn from our mistakes. I think the truth is more in the realm of so we can fix it. Sadly, everything can't be fixed. Which is why GAL is so important. You can fix and heal yourself. I know it's hard. You're preaching to the choiir here. It doesn't change the fact that it needs to happen.
I tend to agree with bh that not giving up and (sometimes) stubborn can be admirable. That doesn't change anything for you though. Finding a new goal not to give up on will occupy you mind and time. Something to help you stop thinking of him so much. When it comes down to it I think you are (as we all are or have been) looking for him to be mlc b/c it gives you more hope. I used to think I was foolish for hoping under the circumstances. Then I realized that hope isn't false or foolish, it just is. You either have it or you don't. Doesn't mean we get what we hope for. Ever read Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search For Meaning"? Some food for thought on hope.
Sometimes we just don't get the answers we want and sometimes we think we want them and find out we really didn't.
