another newcomer - thread #2

[JKL2009]

I think last night was the best interaction in the past 2 months. WAW and S got home, and we all started getting dinner ready and relaxing. WAW and I had a cocktail, S was playing play doh. As we were talking small talk, I mentioned something about getting a quote for some possible repair work on the house we had discussed. This lead to some other “business” talk about separation agreement draft. This lead to a conversation that WAW initiated on the R:

WAW: This is why I am so stressed out right now, I am going to be poor and I am not going to see S all the time. I was with him 99% of the past 4 years. I get upset right not because I wish we never got married and had him so I wouldn’t feel this way.

Me: I am sorry to hear that, I understand this is hard; it is for me too.

I am really stressed and upset about all this, having to live in a small apartment and not getting to be with him all the time. If I just had got out earlier...

I understand you feel that way. We have all made decisions that lead us to today and that we regret. I have many, now that I am willing to look at myself and be honest. But we also aren’t on an episode of “Lost” or something were we can’t control our destiny. We have choices in front of us we still can make, and we can control the path we are on going forward.

What do you mean? [I sense an opening based on body language and look on her face]

Let’s just go here for a minute... we can choose to put energy in working on our relationship, and changing the way things were that got us here. I know I have been selfish and didn’t put your needs on the same playing field as mine. What if that changed? What if I took a step back and you took a step to the front? If if we shifted priorities and made up for some of the out-of-balance stuff from before?

I wouldn’t want that, I want a marriage to be of equals and being together, not you changing who you are or sacrificing.

Right, I understand. That isn’t what I am saying, I am saying getting more in balance than it was in the past, getting to a good partnership.

With that, the conversation went a bit into different directions that I honestly can’t even recall, but it wasn’t too heavy. But it was encouraging! After the son went to bed, we watched a bit of TV. She said her feet hurt. Of course, what did I do? Foot rub. She said I am so good at it, I will be able to get all the ladies with it. I laughed and said maybe so. Or, maybe I could just keep getting better at it and let you benefit!

I am nervous, I feel like this is a delicate time. I am seeing light here, I think.