SMW, you have amazing strength and a strong faith. It must be hard to remain hopeful after so long.
I don't know where I got this quote from, but it hangs on my computer screen: Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith. Whoever is of little faith is also little of love. Is it easy to love like this. No, but God's love is enduring and unconditional and it sustains my heart.
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Is there a point that you may decide you need to take additional steps, not because you don't love him or want to live out 1 Corinthians 13, but because you need to for yourself and the children?
I wrote this on my thread that started shortly before the holidays last year--I still feel the same way:I love my husband. I believe I always will. I always knew that if something were to happen to him, that I would be content to be a widow for the remainder of my life, as I have known true love in my marriage and have no desire to look elsewhere for more. Thinking of my DH fills my heart with joy still, as I can remember both the good and the bad and cry equally for both, not in mourning but in gratefulness for all he has brought to my life to make me the woman, wife, and mother that I am today. God's timing is perfect and I will wait on Him to bring my situation to completion. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
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Forgive me for not knowing fully your sitch and history, but at this point in time what are you doing for yourself and the kids when you say that you're moving on? Are you still practicing 180's, and acting 'as if'. Are you working on being independent and GAL for your sake and your children? I guess I'm wondering what specifically is working for you, and do you see any signs that your changes (the ones you made for yourself - period) are making an impact with S. And if they aren't, but you're better off anyway, how has that been helpful?
Oh, please! I have too many threads to expect someone to read through them all! LOL I do not know that what I am actively doing is "DBing" but is more of a lifestyle change. I do have to "act as if" on occasion in order to not allow little things to bother me--like when I went on the dependents cruise with DH and he was a little standoffish. I stayed cheerful and upbeat all day, like it was any other cruise in the past. I would not let him drag me down and that helped a lot. My whole life has become a bit of a 180 and one that I accomplished for me, not for my DH. I thought back to a time in my life when I was truly happy and fulfilled and brought myself back to that. It was a time frame of a little over 5 years ago--I had a career, three children, and was actively involved in churchm the kids' schools and activities for DH's ship. Instead of a career, now I go to college full time.
I rediscovered my faith in the Lord, returned to church and began to grow through the Word of the God. I have joined a small group from church and we get together every other week. I have made many new wonderful friends through church that love and support me.
Because I lost so much weight at the bomb and through last year, I joined a gym. I have missed that the last couple of weeks with the kids having state tests and finals, but I plan to jump back into it really soon. I spend a lot of time doing things with the kids that I did not do before-going to the beach, the park. I am enjoying my children--they are only little once and I have already missed so much.
Are my changes making an impact? Hard to say. The thing is, it does not matter what DH thinks, as I needed to make these changes for me. I do see him looking at me thoughtfully--of course he may just be trying to figure out what happened. The best way to explain it is that my husband was my whole world for many years and my life revolved around him. The bomb and his leaving created a huge hole. Over the past year, I have made that hole smaller and moved it to the side in my life. It is still there, waiting for DH to step back in and fill it, but it no longer consumes my life. I like me, I like my life (minus the sitch with DH) and I am mostly happy. Finding happiness in me has been the biggest help of all to living life to its fullest day by day.
Hope that explains it for you.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
"The A has been going on for 18 months, I found out 15 months ago. Not so new, SIGH."
..but your H gets posted (recently for 7 months??) so you cant really look at it the same way in terms of time, as he hasnt had 18 months WITH ow has he?? Maybe it will take a little longer for the sheen to wear off, if its going to, seeing as there are long periods of separation.
I agree Ali. I think she is forgetting that, though, and she is starting to push--I am positive she is at the root of this sudden need for a visitation schedule. She will push him away by getting desperate and making demands on him--especially if they continue to hurt the kids.
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I agree with 25years.. as Kalni said, they only seem to want to come back when you really let go. I was at that point, I was also surprised at my bf's attempts to sudenly want back. I had started to explore the possibility of another R, with someone else and I had also told him "I accept it.. I love you and I want you to be happy, but if you want her and that makes you happy and all you have to offer is friendship, then I will take freindship, but you have to let me know". Around this time, I then went to a party till 7am which I was vague about and it seemed to REALLY spook him, wondering who I was with...(it was all innocent in fact).
I thought I was showing him I had moved on before, but I hadnt really. And he knew it. I think they can 'smell' that you are still there, a done deal, waiting.. when you actually start to move on and let go and you feel it, it frightens them and they FINALLY have to make a choice.
xxx
I have moved forward in my life, but I am not interested in another R. If that is what it is going to take to bring DH home, than I guess I will be alone. With four children to think about, I am conscious of the choices I make. I am married, no matter how my DH acts, and I am not free to date anyone else, even if I had an interest. I have realized that I make my own happy and I do not need a man in my life to achieve that, although they can enhance it. I am living life and enjoying it.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Sorry, you misunderstood me.. I didnt so much as hold another mans hand whilst my bf was gone and like you, I had no intentions of dating.. I only would have if I had been 'struck by lightnening' - meaning, I fell in love at first sight with someone new. Then I would have gone for it, otherwise no, and I DONT suggest you date, or try and make him jealous either in order to win him back.
What I mean is, if you start to acutally let go and accept ow and accept his choices and let him know that in some way, he will feel it and then he will start to panic about what he is losing, IMHO.
x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I have told him that (the big convo back the end of April) and hope that overall, my actions are showing it. I cannot change him or his mind. DH will do whatever he is going to do and I can't stop it. I accept that this is his decision and his choice. He needs to own every aspect (i.e. the visitation). I will never accept the OW, though. She also is his choice to live with. She will NEVER be welcomed in my home. I pray for the Holy Spirit to give her the strength of character and personal integrity to extricate herself from a situation she should never have been involved in in the first place. For now, all I can muster for her is pity that she has to destroy the lives of many people to make herself happy.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
"For now, all I can muster for her is pity that she has to destroy the lives of many people to make herself happy.".. that sounds a bit judgemental though? You have a strong faith, arent you supposed to be accepting and NOT judge others? Maybe ow just loves him, you know? Its possible hey?? The heart wants what the heart wants. Helen loved my bf, I know she did and thats ok. Its not her fault. It was HIS fault. HIS choice. She wasnt the enemy. I dont suggest you invite her into your home though! Although, I did tell my then ex, I was willing to meet her if he wanted, if that would make it easier for us to remain friends. I remember he looked very freaked out at that prospect and it was never going to happen.
Well, you are getting a lot of advice here and yuo always say, yep, done that already.. so I sort of dont know what else to suggest. Except really let go. Even with the "God will restore my M" stuff.. because you know SMW, maybe he will and maybe he wont. People pray for miracles all the time, particularly with matters of health for example, but they dont always happen. Realistically, you must know that to be true. Have you ever thought its a little arrogant to EXPECT God to do something you want? Maybe he doesnt agree with what you want! Maybe he's busy!? Perhaps there is some acceptance you still need to work on, then your DH will notice the difference in you??
Other than that, you sound very strong and together and good for you SMW, xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
"For now, all I can muster for her is pity that she has to destroy the lives of many people to make herself happy.".. that sounds a bit judgemental though? You have a strong faith, arent you supposed to be accepting and NOT judge others?
I have never claimed to be perfect, but I am saved by Christ's grace. My feelings toward the OW are very difficult for me to deal with. I know God calls for me to forgive her and love her also, but I struggle with it--there is still a lot of pain there.
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Maybe ow just loves him, you know? The heart wants what the heart wants. Helen loved my bf, I know she did and thats ok. Its not her fault. It was HIS fault. HIS choice. She wasnt the enemy.
I do know that she was pursuing him, knowing he was a married man with children. Sorry, there is nothing that excuses that. Yes, my DH chose to take the friendship further than it should have gone, but she also should not have been putting herself out there to a married man. Believing yourself in love does not give you the right to deliberately hurt others.
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Well, you are getting a lot of advice here and yuo always say, yep, done that already.. so I sort of dont know what else to suggest.
I do not know if you have all of of my threads, but rest assured, I am not laying out platitudes or discounting what others have suggested to me. I re-read my threads often as a learning experience to ensure I never get where I was again.
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Except really let go. Even with the "God will restore my M" stuff.. because you know SMW, maybe he will and maybe he wont. People pray for miracles all the time, particularly with matters of health for example, but they dont always happen. Realistically, you must know that to be true. Have you ever thought its a little arrogant to EXPECT God to do something you want? Maybe he doesnt agree with what you want! Maybe he's busy!? Perhaps there is some acceptance you still need to work on, then your DH will notice the difference in you??
May I ask why you post to me if you do not ascribe to my beliefs and cannot support my faith in God to restore my marriage? God wants us to be persistent in our prayer life. I consider it to be a test of our faithfulness, even through the delays. I posted earlier on this thread a teaching on God's delays :We need to remember that God's delays are purposeful and God's delays are a necessary part of the process for us to take possession of our spiritual inheritance.
No, I do not believe it is arrogant to think God will keep His promises. I believe it is faith in His truth and His word. Luke 11:9-13 says "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"
God answers prayers in one of three ways: Yes, no, or not yet. God has shown me "yes, but not yet" with regards to my marriage. I know I still have things in my life that I need to change and work on. I still struggle with impatience, especially with the kids. My house could be cleaner, I should have better time management, I should ALWAYS have more time alone with God. But, I maintain faith in the promises God has given His children.
I have never told my husband that God will restore our marriage. I do not shove religion down his throat. The girls ask him often to attend church because THEY remember us all attending church as a family. He has turned his back on the Lord and the Good Shepherd will go after his lost sheep. His Word tells us that in the three parables contained within Luke 15.
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Other than that, you sound very strong and together and good for you SMW, xxx
Well, I am glad that you have approval for some of what I am doing. I am simply trying to live life the way God has called me. I am human and I do make mistakes, but I pick myself up and get back on track as quickly as I possibly can. God's grace is sufficient to get me through these trials and God's power will be glorified and made perfect through my weaknesses.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
May I ask why you post to me if you do not ascribe to my beliefs and cannot support my faith in God to restore my marriage?
Are you saying that only people who totally agree with your views/beliefs/faiths on religion should be posting to you??
I understand why you're doing what you're doing. I understand you have a time frame in mind..I understand that you feel and have faith that God is leading you to hang in there...
as for me..I have no idea what God is leading you to do. He could be leading you to stay..or..he could be leading you to get out...only God will reveal that to you when he sees fit..
and L...it really makes no difference whether I agree or disagree with you....you're gonna do what you want..just like the rest of us here do. You're gonna make a decision one way or the other one of these days and that decision will be yours to live with just as our decisions are ours....personally I would have been done as soon as OP was discovered..I for one beleive, "once they cheat, they will cheat again"...it's like a drug for them I think..
No, I am not saying that at all. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, but why discount someone else's, especially when they are expressing it on their own thread and not pushing it onto others? Ali has said over and over that she does not believe in the ability of prayer to affect change. Well, I am walking proof that prayer can affect change--God has changed me so much over the last year, as I submitted myself to Him through prayer and allowed Him to do His will in my life. Even though there are others who do not agree with me, they at least support my position--which you have done, even while expressing your own views.
I once believed the maxim "once a cheater, always a cheater". I believed that people who committed adultery were unredemptive. I now see things differently. I have met and read of people that God has transformed when they finally realized the harmful choices they were making and submitted themselves to the will of God. Some people get it sooner than others do. Some never get it. Some have to lose everything to realize what they had to begin with. But, all will know the Glory of God on the day of judgement.
I have made a decision, unpopular or not. I am standing for my marriage and for the covenant vow I made before God. That is my choice and it is what God has called me to do. I struggled with this decision, especially back around the holidays. I wanted to know what was in it for me, why I had to be the one to stand, why me and my children had to work through this pain.
God's glory will be magnified through this and His power and strength made clear to all that I bear witness to. there is someone in MLC whose signature says "there can be no testimony without a test." This is the test that God has called me to take and I am trying to learn the lessons needed to get through it.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I don't think your opinion has ever beeen discounted at all..
As you and I both know by looking at the world around us that "christian beliefs" "witnessing" etc. are sometimes frowned upon...as a matter of fact i think it's much harder for a Christian to walk this world than any other person..it's a hard life to lead...simply because we are human, not perfect, nor without sin.
Like I said only you and God know what you are supposed to do. If he speaks to you and points you in the direction you are taking then good for you. As far as i know..if he spoke to me and told me to get out..I missed it..if he told me to stay..I missed it...either way..I feel good and at peace with the path I took.
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I once believed the maxim "once a cheater, always a cheater".
I also meant to put in here..that OP would have been a deal breaker for me...and it would be, still is...and clearly it was not for you from the beginning and maybe that is what true chritianity is all about..the ability to forgive the breaking of that covenant vow by a spouse..
wow, I probably have a lot to say, but as I don't have much time I will say this.
I understand that for some of you, you may FEEL that SMW has expectations for something that may not come thru. I understand that you don't want her to be hurt and disappointed, however, if you believe in God's word, God tells us he hates divorce, and he tells us that God only granted divorce during Moses' time because of the hardness of their hearts, but it was not God's will from the beginning (of creation).
Also, a big portion of receiving answered prayers is based on our faith. Jesus said that if we had the faith of the size of a mustard seed that we could move a mountain.
I believe that it may be in the best interest for those who do not stand for what SMW believes in, to either refrain from discouraging her faith or to not post at all.
When I realized my path, I removed all my family from me. I told my mother, my sister, my mom-n-law, everyone that I would not be speaking to them and that if they wanted to contact me, they could send me an email and I may respond. I knew that I needed to not be distracted from FEELINGS. feelings that my friends and family wanted to keep me from being hurt.
okay, SMW, you know that my marriage was saved by our Lord, and you know yours will be as well. The people of this world cannot have the same understanding, but they just want to help you, they do care for you, so do not feel burdened by their feelings. You know what God has in store for you and that is all you need.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
