Man Overboard

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

AK--

I have been here for over a year now. The A has been going on for 18 months, I found out 15 months ago. Not so new, SIGH.

I have moved forward for me and the kids. I think some of it is easier for me as my husband is active duty military and his career requires him to be gone for long periods of time.

My DH is very responsible with the money--all the bills are paid and I get an additional $1K a month or so for the kids' and I expenses. I do not really work. I babysit my great nephew for $100 a week. I am a full time college student and stay at home mom. Ironically, my husband encouraged me to go back to school to become a lawyer and my chosen specialty is Family Law.

There are actually more negatives for me if a divorce goes through, at least initially. I am entitled to a portion of his retirement and it goes up every year. All of our medical is paid for. most of the credit is in his name alone, with only one joint card. I have some small ones of my own that I am working on paying down and off.

DH's affair has been exposed to friends and family. To expose further (ie work) would hurt his career and by extension, the kids and I financially. By the same token, he knows I will go to the command if he tries to screw me on money, so it is a safety that I hang onto dearly.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[aliveandkicking]

Makes total sense. And way different then my sitch.

[25yearsmlc]

SMW,

Maybe, the serenity prayer below is for you too. Maybe that's what some are saying to you and maybe they fear you are using your faith to justify being stuck. I have mixed feelings and feel that it is true to an extent. However, your recent posts about the military aspects we discussed long ago, even if they are "excuses for being stuck" make some sense too. I do not know what help OR harm it is for the kids to remain in limbo though, but I'm not qualified to comment on that.

Ak, yes, you are in different boat. At any rate, here's the serenity prayer again and each of us has/had a balancing act. Serenity vs courage and A WHOLE OF Wisdom needed...

I do feel strongly that my h and I are together again b/c I was moving on without him. So yes to the detachment. Life was handing him some consequences. Not me. Life. And he saw that he was losing me and us and his R's with the kids. It was NOT a tactic. It was real. I was surprised at his efforts to reconcile in some ways. (ALMOST not so glad about the recon, as I was really starting to GAL and look forward to MY future, but now that I know I still have that, I'm stronger and better for it...make sense?)

Maybe the prayers on some of your posts come off too much as you hanging on ONLY to the idea of his return and setting yourself up for staying in denial and for too long...but now I'm thinking that the way it sounds may not be the way it is.??

We just returned from a big family trip and H did some repair work with d20. He sputtered at first and we had to have a private talk wherein I reminded him of what happened to HER, not "us" or HIM....but how SHE must have felt when he missed all those parts of her life, etc. He said he wanted "to finish strong" and I think he felt so alienated from HIS/OUR family it scared him.

And he got it. At least for the remainder of the trip h was more relaxed and listening and letting go of the control things. Yay for miracles!

I hope you'll both be in place wherein your h's want to fix things like that with the kids. Regardless of the M, it is sooo needed. SMW, I'll be sending good stuff your d9's way. Interesting that he was so close to her. I'd predict if he doesn't come home (and 18 months is a longer than usual A unfortunately) that he'll reach out to her in some other way and I hope she'll open her heart to that. Our d20 wrote to h on Father's Day that she "wants to let him back into her heart." I would have died if I had gotten a card like that but h was appropriately touched.

((( j )))

Serenity Prayer

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.


My problem was not the courage one but the serenity one. I'm better now.
We each have to find our balance in this.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

SMW,

Maybe, the serenity prayer below is for you too. Maybe that's what some are saying to you and maybe they fear you are using your faith to justify being stuck. I have mixed feelings and feel that it is true to an extent. However, your recent posts about the military aspects we discussed long ago, even if they are "excuses for being stuck" make some sense too. I do not know what help OR harm it is for the kids to remain in limbo though, but I'm not qualified to comment on that.

I am only stuck in the sense that nothing has changed in my M situation. However, I am moving forward with life. Yes, there are days I mourn what I had with my DH. But, for him to come home, we have to start a new marriage. The person I was for the last few years no longer exists,praise God. The money issues involving DH's retirement, our finances, and my college are all things I have to consider, along with the fact that I do not want a divorce. For the kids, I am in constant contact with D9's counselor, as she is my biggest concern and challenge. I believe the C would tell me if she thought anything we were doing was hurting the kids.

I do feel strongly that my h and I are together again b/c I was moving on without him. So yes to the detachment. Life was handing him some consequences. Not me. Life. And he saw that he was losing me and us and his R's with the kids. It was NOT a tactic. It was real. I was surprised at his efforts to reconcile in some ways. (ALMOST not so glad about the recon, as I was really starting to GAL and look forward to MY future, but now that I know I still have that, I'm stronger and better for it...make sense?)

I feel the same way--I have detached, maybe not as much as some would like to see, but I am moving on with life. it is causing DH to blink, but it does not matter. I am at peace with whatever happens. I know what God has promised and as it says in Numbers 23:19--"God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" If that makes me stuck in my faith, then so be it.

Maybe the prayers on some of your posts come off too much as you hanging on ONLY to the idea of his return and setting yourself up for staying in denial and for too long...but now I'm thinking that the way it sounds may not be the way it is.??

I know that divorce is still a very real possibility in my life and I have accepted that. I also know God is a God of miracles and "many are the plans of a man's heart, but God's purpose prevails." (Proverbs 19:21) Since God's word is true and He hates divorce, I will wait on His perfect time for things to fall into His purpose.

We just returned from a big family trip and H did some repair work with d20. He sputtered at first and we had to have a private talk wherein I reminded him of what happened to HER, not "us" or HIM....but how SHE must have felt when he missed all those parts of her life, etc. He said he wanted "to finish strong" and I think he felt so alienated from HIS/OUR family it scared him.

And he got it. At least for the remainder of the trip h was more relaxed and listening and letting go of the control things. Yay for miracles!

I had read about your trip on another thread and I am so happy that your H is stepping up to the plate and repairing the broken relationships with his children. Fathers are a compass for their children and they need him as much as he needs them.

I hope you'll both be in place wherein your h's want to fix things like that with the kids. Regardless of the M, it is sooo needed.

Children are the biggest victims in a divorce.

SMW, I'll be sending good stuff your d9's way. Interesting that he was so close to her.

Not really, she is his first born and I worked days when she was a baby, DH worked nights. They spent a ton of time together. The sad thing is that it took this mess for her and I to become close.

I'd predict if he doesn't come home (and 18 months is a longer than usual A unfortunately) that he'll reach out to her in some other way and I hope she'll open her heart to that. Our d20 wrote to h on Father's Day that she "wants to let him back into her heart." I would have died if I had gotten a card like that but h was appropriately touched

((( j )))

Yes, it is a long A, but I also have to factor in the almost 8 months that he was on deployment, where he could live in lala land with no constant reminders of home and family to deal with every day. As many long time posters have told me, it was like essentially starting over when he came home. D9 has not closed her self off completely to DH, but she is not as affectionate as she used to be. Him not living here and us all being a family is hurting her deeply. I hope they can repair it. It too me 24 years to forgive my father and he is just getting an understanding of the hurt and pain his decisions caused.

Serenity Prayer

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.


My problem was not the courage one but the serenity one. I'm better now.
We each have to find our balance in this.

I love the serenity prayer and it is a big help.

Thanks for posting to me 25, you do not drop by often, but your posts are always full of wisdom.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[aliveandkicking]

25- Sadly, I think my H reconnecting with his own dad at this late date is reaffirming for him that he will always have that opening with his boys despite his actions. However, now that his dad is looking to start 3rd family (he already left two behind with 4 kids total) H will have a lot to think about in terms of collateral damage. His dad sure has created a lot. This of course is out of my hands.

As for me and SWM and whoever else, sometimes the emotional shifts have to happen before the actions. I feel better today than I have felt in a long time. It just did not feel right to take action from the place of fear, hostility and judgement I was in when you and I were conversing. It is frustrating to watch, I'm sure. But, I have to live with ME when this is all over and I need a sense of peace and clarity. I get that there is a point where it reads as delusional or detrimental. I see it in others and myself. But, again, it is such a personal choice. I have been told that you have to just jump into the black hole and have faith. I need to build myself up for that leap. I need to know myself, know my intentions and have the presence of mind to be able to navigate what is coming next. I feel I am almost there. Thanks very much to YOU and AJ (way back when) and Lucky Girl and SP and Thinker and others...I need to really settle into this place and practice for a bit and I think the pivotal moments will present themselves. Pressure conjures panic for me. I don't take for granted that I am only at the starting line.

The serenity prayer is so great. Thanks for posting it. Can never read it enough.

[25yearsmlc]

Ak,

hope you didn't think I was suggesting you OR SWM are "delusional"...

I have rarely if ever said, "FILE FOR DIV!" and would never suggest to someone that they file for div UNLESS one of two situations occurred, (that I can think of now). It'd be 1) b/c of some dangerous sitch which neither of you have, I HOPE, including alcohol/addiction/abuse OBVIOUS stuff,

or b/c an LBSer is stuck AND staying married ENABLES a WAS to stay away even longer. I DO believe there are many others who OUGHT to file but I am not going to be the one to say that to them.

IT IS NEVER TO PUNISH... as tempting as that can be to ALL of us here in the situations or watching them...it cannot EVER be the reason. That whole "teach them a lesson" and "Show them the consequences of their actions" is NOT OUR JOB...but gets said in some form, a lot around here.

No one wants to see us end up div and THEN feel on top of the hurt, that we also "wasted so much time DBing" and if we had crystal balls, we would not be HERE. We don't know at first, when enough will be enough, and it takes "practice" to know which direction things are moving in --until we do. Which is where the serenity prayer comes in. Sometimes there are those who KNOW they need to move on, but it is fear or other "invalid" reasons that keep them stuck and yes they'll misuse faith as their excuse. It's not a bad one, considering. But I don't like the way my younger sister acted as if God made her stay in the horrible M she had, (I think out of terror of being alone mostly) only to "blame God" when things did not turn around despite what she saw as her best efforts. Make sense?

I DO think some sort of "internal" timeline is a good idea so YOU know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That was 2 years for me, when this started b/c I wanted stability for the girls and the older one was in HS and had 2 years left, and we were not financially threatened at that time...but even so , that was testing my limits, and was more legal than emotional. Emotionally I was moving on before that, and H noted it. (I eventually noted him noting it!)

But if given the choice, I'd pick "staying M a bit too long" over "getting div a bit too soon"...

((( j )))

[mnt_dreams]

SMW, you have amazing strength and a strong faith. It must be hard to remain hopeful after so long. Is there a point that you may decide you need to take additional steps, not because you don't love him or want to live out 1 Corinthians 13, but because you need to for yourself and the children?

Forgive me for not knowing fully your sitch and history, but at this point in time what are you doing for yourself and the kids when you say that you're moving on? Are you still practicing 180's, and acting 'as if'. Are you working on being independent and GAL for your sake and your children? I guess I'm wondering what specifically is working for you, and do you see any signs that your changes (the ones you made for yourself - period) are making an impact with S. And if they aren't, but you're better off anyway, how has that been helpful?

[aliveandkicking]

hope you didn't think I was suggesting you OR SWM are "delusional"...

LOL...I think that may just be me projecting.

I just know that for me, the shock has taken so long to wear off and shaking off H's version of history has been priority #1. When I have referred to myself as being dumped, my sister loses it...she saw what I was going through in the M.

I am not religious so I'm good there...I feel some connection to a higher power but I am not doing anything for anyone other than me or my kids. Really, my vows, my truth, my clarity of purpose, that's it. I don't think God cares one way or the other...that's just me. Any divine love I believe in is universal and unwavering for all of us. So, I think I'm ok. I just had to get my head screwed on straight. Plus, knowing my short-comings and H knowing how to exploit them has required me to stop, take a look objectively and own what I need to work on without subjugating myself to H. There is so much hysteria in these sitches. Breathe, calm down, get the kids settled and then make some cool decisions.

Today, I don't feel my heart breaking. Even when I want to cry, it feels different. I hope I can keep it going. I'm really not sure how long I will hold out for H. I don't really even know what that means anymore since my resolution is that I have to move on regardless. I give myself at least a year from the bomb to start dating romantically. But, my world is open overall.

Something feels so different. I hope I can maintain it. I suppose I need to look at what shifted. Part of it, I think has been this conversation about friends and real love. H is not me. He is not an extension of me. If he drives himself into the ground or acts like an a**hole, it is not a reflection of me anymore. He is not my other half (tears)...it is sad but in a dead kind of way, not a boohoo I want that back kind of way.

Sorry to hijack. This is so hard, so intense, so life-altering. I thank you so much for being here. Seriously, I can't even talk to any real life people about this anymore. It is too incomprehensible for anyone who has not been through it. Plus, I want my life and my conversations to move from being about H and D to about me and my beautiful children and the life I am creating. Wow, I wish there was some trophy we could get for all of this. I know a wonderful life is the trophy but I feel like I have just crawled out of the ditch only to start the journey on two feet rather than being dragged...but it is just beginning.

You 25, have stuck with me. I read your posts to others and I go back and read those you wrote to me. And I understood when you stopped posting to me too. Sometimes it is all out there and the receiver has to digest and make something out of it.

Anyway, SMW, this is your thread. You picked your name well. If you know you are out of the ditch and your life feels like you are living it in color and not in black and white and not with some underlying limitations, than you are on the right track. You know what serves you and your family best.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

But if given the choice, I'd pick "staying M a bit too long" over "getting div a bit too soon"...

((( j )))

I would never argue with this, especially if all other things are fine and there is no abuse going on.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[AliSuddenly]

Hey SMW, I noticed you said...

"The A has been going on for 18 months, I found out 15 months ago. Not so new, SIGH."

..but your H gets posted (recently for 7 months??) so you cant really look at it the same way in terms of time, as he hasnt had 18 months WITH ow has he?? Maybe it will take a little longer for the sheen to wear off, if its going to, seeing as there are long periods of separation.

I agree with 25years.. as Kalni said, they only seem to want to come back when you really let go. I was at that point, I was also surprised at my bf's attempts to sudenly want back. I had started to explore the possibility of another R, with someone else and I had also told him "I accept it.. I love you and I want you to be happy, but if you want her and that makes you happy and all you have to offer is friendship, then I will take freindship, but you have to let me know". Around this time, I then went to a party till 7am which I was vague about and it seemed to REALLY spook him, wondering who I was with...(it was all innocent in fact).

I thought I was showing him I had moved on before, but I hadnt really. And he knew it. I think they can 'smell' that you are still there, a done deal, waiting.. when you actually start to move on and let go and you feel it, it frightens them and they FINALLY have to make a choice.

xxx