Hey girls! Lea, of course I remember you! I wondered what had happened, thanks for following my sitch and for your update. I hope you are feeling happier now, but I am sorry that you divorced in the end.
So.. I have spent the last few nights with him.. he wants to see me alot now. He calls me in the day, texts, kisses me alot. Makes alot of "MMMmh" noises and squeezes me. And we are back to where we were sexually right up to the night he left.. NOT like a new couple who are finding their way. So thats all good of course! And last night, we again were all entwined in bed, watching a comedy.
Its all so nice, but its sort of making me a bit angry.. because this is EXACTLY where we were when he decided to leave me. So what the hell was the point of that 2 years of suffering?? I know, he had issues to work with, I had fears to let go of, we have both grown and that is positive, but.. its all reminding me that we had a pretty damn good R just when he decided he wanted out!! And we seem to be back there now. Except I whinge less and listen more and he's a bit more of a grown up and more self possessed. Other than that, theres no discernible difference. How can he do it? Come full circle like that? With NO discussion!!!!
He is sleeping soundly now, whereas he hadnt for months, maybe the whole time we were apart. He seems relieved, contented, loving (but still a little detached, his own man). And I am beginning to wonder if he will ever talk about what went on. Maybe he doesnt want to/need to? Maybe its up to me to bring it up, if its important to me? I really dont think he has any clue of the devastation I suffered.
A classic ilustration of this was, last night, I said I see myself as tall, it confuses me when poeple say I am tiny, or petite, because in my minds eye, I am a tall person. He said that this was a good thing but its because I am confident, with good self-esteem. I joked, no, its because I dont have a full length mirror. But, I was incredulous.. he sees me as confident and possessing good self-esteem!!?? After what he did!? But then, perhaps he is right.. as Lea said, I never doubted we'd get back together, so I didnt waver.
I realised today its 2 years since all this began. When he worked on a big project with Helen and her company. Well, today he had to revist that site (he did tell me) and seemed nervous this morning. I took his face in my hands and asked him "Are you working with anyone else on site today?".. he said, oh yes, the Cornwall contractor guy Tim and kissed me. I dont think he realised I meant Helen, or maybe he just doesnt want to go there. So I feel a bit odd today, he may still be in contact with her, at work (probable) or outside of work (doubtful).. but he has still never even mentioned her by name to me and I still dont feel like I am ALLOWED to ask him anything. Thats nuts hey? But the good thing is.. its was ME he sat in bed with eating toast this morning !!!! Geuss just got to keep taking it a day at a time and see what organically develops..
