I am generally happy, packing stuff is hard. I came across a box that I had forgotten about which was labeled 'married in 2006'. I had kept a load of stuff from the wedding and I remember being so excited making it up. It is unopened and will remain so for now, it seems like a different world now. There are lots of memories floating round the house at the moment and it is hard.
No news on exchange of contracts on the house yet which is annoying.
I seem to be working some stuff through in my head today which I will lay out here as it really helps me get persective and you guys are such great sounding boards! The other day I decided to have a telephone session with Jody to try and get some perspective on a few things and she was really helpful. Here was what we discussed.
We discussed some of my perceived lack of confidence. Really that I have gotten so intimidated by the thought of ow lately. This has really come about because h has started being more open about his life and telling me what he has been up to. Although he NEVER mentions her it is apparent that this stuff would be done as a couple like for example going to stay with a couple from work etc. It makes me feel very insecure.
Jody thinks I should think of myself as the primary woman not the other woman which is how I was describing myself to her. The reason I have a hard time with this is because clearly I am not! He is living with and having an r with this ow and sharing his life with her. I suppose I have also spent quite a long time telling myself this to gain acceptance that I have lost a bit of my fight and spirit but I admit that I do feel jealous of her. I seem to have attached more importance to her in my mind subconsciously which is really annoying and I'm not quite sure how to look at it. I also don't want to get my hopes up in case I get hurt again. So I still feel a little like I am walking on eggshells if I contact him for anything other than house stuff, however Jody says that as long as he is being responsive it is fine to initiate some stuff.
She said to play it to my advantage, that I should become the ow - forbidden. She said it is safe to assume that as he is not mentioning her to me that he would not be mentioning me to her. I have felt this for a while actually as this could add excitement which after the whole illness/ me becoming mother and nurse thing is what we need.
She says that when I meet him I should be 'boom and then you're gone'. That I should be playful and ambiguous. That it is attractive to men if you are a good sport and now the guilt is gone to let him be himself around me. She also said that I should be more forthcoming now emotionally and that strangers bond more quickly over mutual complaint than anything else. I.E complain a bit about stuff, bitch about something and be more emotionally transparent. Not quite sure how to do this... if anyone has any ideas??
She thinks I should ask him if he is still interested in looking at flats with me (which he expressed ages ago) and that is a good bonding experience. That I should allow him to help me with the move and that he knows that he has given me a lousy hand with this and he needs to be helpful (I assume to appease his guilt?!).
With regards to his stuff she thinks I should say that something like 'I've put your stuff together but it's not packed. I'll leave it to you to decide how to deal with it.' This makes really good sense.
Ultimately we should now be friends who flirt. So, I need some flirting tips!!!! Any ideas anyone?
This stuff is scary to me and I feel slightly paranoid and scared to take the step. I think it is because I put myself out there a bit asking him to lunch and it doesn't seem to have materialised after all - he said he'd let me know when he was free and he hasn't. It zaps my confidence a bit. I guess though that with all dating you put yourself on the line but I guess I have more invested emotionally in this one.
