How are you feeling physically? Have you recovered?
Some facts are very hard to swallow.
You are not his emotional confidante. He does not want to be yours. This is one of the most aching, yet most indicative actions of where he is now. Having your spouse as the person you turn to seems like a given and very hard to comprehend when that stops.
This is where you GAL (get a life). Accepting what seems impossible doesn't make it worse; accepting the reality of where he is helps you move forward. Can things turn around? Maybe, but it's very difficult if there's someone else in the picture. Have you read "Not 'Just Friends'"? It's an insightful book I found very helpful.
Remember.. you cannot control what he does or says... only your actions. Choose to be positive about you, do what makes you a better person, parent, friend, daughter. Ask for help. Do, do, do. Give out what you want to receive.
I had a better day yesterday; determined to start making my life something wonderful and assuming that he wont be there to spend it with me. There is no alternative now but to keep moving forward. I have a daughter who needs me and a mother who is unwell. I also need to sort out my health. he has no inquired once about me or my health and neither my mothers.
That is so clear.
Bottom line; I want to be with someone who loves me and who cares about me.
MLC or not, it is his journey.........I have to live mine, to the fullest.
He has made his choices for the moment.....that is that. It still hurts like hell but I have to live with the pain and look forward with my daughter. I miss my husband but he seems to be completely gone.
Going dark seems to have made no impact. I have to accept this for what it is.
As we all have, up and down days.......at least we can share here with people who understand......thanks everyone
As expected not so good a day today; have woken up with a huge pain in my heart. But I just simply have to keep on going, as you say. My abdom pain is at least under control so for that I am grateful. I am trying to live my life in the most full, best way I know how.I was speaking with a friend of mine who is a horticuluralist and gardener about helping me develop the garden; its something that I haven't contributed much to and I want to make something of it for me, my H was always the one who did this sort of stuff.
Irrational yes, but so cruel and hurtful, he saw me in a hospital bed last Sunday on morphine and he hasn't once asked me how I am, even through a second channel. He hasn't asked how my Mum is even though she is struggling and on blood pressure meds because of what has happened over the last 5 months. My only assumption is that he is completely flipped it. `This doesn't even show care of a human being let alone someone you have been with for 10 years. I am literally appalled.
God is a huge comfort for me, I have to trust that he will do the right thing by us all. I have no money, my health is not great and the man I love has gone. But I have my beautiful little girl and I have my morals and ethics.
And I can honestly say that I have tried to love well, I have made mistakes and there have been times where I haven't probably been the wife/mother I should have been but there has always been one thing true and that is that I have loved my family, always. they have been the most true and honest thing in my life.And my family has been ripped apart.
I dont know what our future holds; I believe that God can do the impossible; but this situation seems so hopeless; so much damage; I just hope that my D and I can survive this phase. I want to be able to forgive myself for all that I have done, I pray that God will be forgiving. I also hope that I can find love and forgiveness for my H, somehow.
He must be in pain. he doesn't look well or happy. Surely he would be unless deep down inside he has guilt, he has read at a very deep level the chaos that he has caused. The fact that through my actions (staying with our D and raising her, not moving to London which is what he so determindly wanted to believe) has forced him to see just how much has really been in front of him. The woman by his own admission he has longed for for the last 5 years. And now it is to late, for him, in his own mind.
I guess I am just trying to make sense of this. He has gone COMPLETELY off me, no contact, no apparent interest. Guilt? maybe. Heartbreaking, most definitely but I have to remember that this does not define me. It is obviously his stuff, his inability to resolve me and the marriage.
Any views? Thank you so much everyone, Peace, Snodderly.......I am so grateful for your guidance. Thank you.
I think you know that this isn't going to work for you anymore, parsing the past. The future is scary but it is yours. What now? Who can you rely on for support? How can you get back on your feet? I so feel for you. He is past tense...you must start some forward movement.
I still detect so much guilt and remorse from your post...can you please forgive yourself? Nothing you did warrants this treatment and you know that. Baby steps. What will you do tomorrow?
yes I know that he needs to be past tense. He will be, as you say, baby steps. And i will forgive myself, I will get there.
I am going with my mum and my D to see one of my oldest friends today, she lives about 4 hours away and I haven't seen her for ages.
Will be staying with her tonight, really looking forward to that. Looking forward to developing the garden, spending time with my D, and my mum who has been incredible through all of this. She has suffered and yet so incredibly tenacious.
You are right alive, nothing warrants this treatment. Thank you. It is solely indicative of his current state and unhappiness with himself.
I do feel that I have forward movement. I am getting out, working where I can, resting when I need to, minding my health and best as I can. I havent started to really think about what I want for my life but I will get there, small baby steps!
Hi innishannon. It feels good to see your attitude starting to shift. It seems strange to say, but I think that you are going to be able to gain a lot from this experience.
Can you ask your H to not speak to your mother? I dont think that its too unreasonable. Especially if you cite her health and the impacts he has on it.
Him raking up the past is so strange. Does he really not have current reasons for wanting to be separated? Such as My mental health has improved, or I am not depressed? No, he still clings to his excuses from months ago. You know what? He does NOT get an excuse. There is absolutely no excuse for what he has done. If the things that he said were true, he could justify many things, but jumping into the waiting arms of a OW is not one of them.
Hes searching for excuses, and I think that the one that got the best response is the mental abuse...suicide line that hes been spraying out to anyone who will listen has probably gotten people to tell him what he wants to hear. So hes going to keep using it. Dont take it personally. This is not about you.
Last edited by bluerain; 06/05/0908:08 PM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I haven't posted in a while; I guess I wanted to try to find a peace within myself and its been very up and down. I am not coping too well; its half three in the morning and I have had a disturbed sleep; woken up and thought, yes, its time to write again.
Things have been quiet my end in terms of incidents, my H does not have ANY contact with me unless its relation to our D. When he does leave a phone message at home he states very clearly that he wants to speak to D and gets off the phone. There is NO discussion about me, my mother, my health, my life, my work, the house (which is still ironically half his home).His lack of emotion is frightening.
We had a brief chat last Tuesday morning about mediation which we have this morning. I am not entirely convinced by it but I understand taht we have to be seen to be trying this method as we need to work out access and it is contentious on a number of fronts; primarily whether my H is going to slepp in the house/stay overnight during the week. He wants to, I dont think its appropriate as he is now living with OW. Does any one have any experience in relation to this issue and could tehy advise. I firmly feel that this is morally inept, confusing for our D and in some ways precipitating further upset for her by creating new and ongoing tension between us in the house if he does return.
We had another court hearing on Monday; I have finally been awarded maintenance which is such a relief.It was settled away from the judge so it isn't a court order and therefore doesn't set a precedent;my H is still under protection order though. Both are going to be held in a full hearing at the end of September; if I don't drop the safety order before then.I am relieved that my H will finally have to pay me money which is so needed at the moment. I have gone for 6 months without him paying one cent in child or spousal maintenance and it has been so, so difficult. I feel ambivalent at best about the sfaety order; I have s many people saying that its important that its still in place so that I and my daughter have protection, and that the only reason that he has behaved over this period is that he is under the protection order that he has already breached once. I understand where they are coming from but my morality speaks so strongly; I don't know whether these orders have been the best or the worse thing for my R with my H.I dont know whether through my need to take them out I have in some way sabotaged the possibility of reconciliation in teh future or whether I have defined teh way that he will view me and, in a sense, the way I may perceive him, in the future.
This leads me to the struggles taht I face now in terms of his lack of emotion towards me. I should be happy (and I am) that he is not blocking out our D as I know some WAH do. This relieves me. She deserves her Daddy. But where I am concerned he has emotionally switched me off. COMPLETELY. I wonder whether it is MLC, or just not caring about me, literally being FULLY OVER ME and in a a new emotional life with OW. It has been 6 months since my H walked out on me and our D. 6 long and tortuous months. In that time there have been huge pluses, huge opportunities for growth and huge, huge upset. An emotional rollercoaster. The more I read about MLC, there more I do realise my husbands links to MLC and it does give me a valid place to hang my beliefs and opinions. Yes, as far as I am concerned, he snapped about me, our M and living with me at the end of January; OW was then in the picture in EA/PA and that was that. The person that I have loved and still do was gone. he person who has loved me, supported me, cared for me was gone and is now replaced by a man who knows of my suffering, both emotionally and in terms of my health and does not say ANYTHING to me about it. Is this normal MLC behaviour?
The problem is, and I know this might seem strange to everyone out there, Snodderly, Peace, Sandi I would very much welcome your thoughts on this. I still love my H. I married for life, I believe in God and that he hates divorce. Even after everything that has happened I still have some hope, almost like trying to keep the door open but GAL at the same time. I DO NOT CONTACT HIM. There is no pressure. I talk with him about our D when needed, either in person, text or email. Aside from this contact there is NOTHING. He does not speak to me when there is exchange/crossover of our D in the house; ignores me unless there is a pressing issue about D and then of curse he will acknowledge me and I will respond, usually well although sometimes I do find it difficult.I am concerned that it is not in our D's best interests that we do not speak when she is present but even though my H says he is more than happy to talk to me in theory, in practice he RARELY does, and always not personal.I find this soul destroying. I have suffered so much in the past 6 months, especially with my health and there is nothing, nothing at the moment that would suggest that we have been in a marriage emotionally, he has ripped it apart and cruelly taken it away. I have NO CONTACT with my step-daughters at his and now their insistence, his family that I have always been close to over the last ten years I now have no contact with in any way and my SIL is dying as we speak. I am in real grief about not seeing them, it is such a loss. My SIL (other one, not the one who is dying) was with my H at court the other day. It is the first time that I have seen her since I was in her house at the end of Jan, when my H was leaving and I didn't understand what was going on. I was obviously distraught and she was trying to tell me to "pull myself together". She has not contacted me since and when she saw me out the front of the courthouse she just stared at me blankly and then forced the most grimacing smile at me I have ever seen, then proceeded to walk off in the other direction with my H. My heart broke. Literally broke. I have always been close to her, I went into labour with our D in her house. Now this.
My H's coldness......He spoke to em Monday morning (in teh mediation discussion) and summarised our situation as it currently stands from his perspective. It was so hurtful; like readinga shopping list/or a recipe.
"We have been together ten years, married for 6 of them. Now we are not and wont be. We need to find a new dispensation, a new way of living"
End of discussion. Cold, unfeeling, no emotion. Like someone describing ingredients and directions of how to make a cake. s this MLC behaviour? Or is it simply now, after 6 months of unrelenting focus and resolve (admittedly mixed with tears and other small confusions at times), a situation where he has literally GOT OVER ME. but if so, why cant he ask me how I am, about my life, talk to me as a human being and not as an automon mother?
I am sorry if I keep going round in circles. I guess I am hoping that it is a WAH in MLC here. It would give me perameters which I can understand.
I have also been sitting with the possibility that in a lot of ways I have been going through my own version of a MLC over the last 5 years, it manifesting itself through my drive with my career and my work. I have COME OUT OF THE FOG only to find that my H is NOW IN THE FOG.
Does anyone have any experience of this sort of thing?
Thanks for taking time to read my posting, I am very appreciative everyone. Snodderly and Sandi, it would be wonderful to hear your insights.
I am trying to let go and let God and stay positive about my life but I feel that there is no hope for my M. I want to think that even if this M is dead that there can be a way forward for me and my H in the future in a new and even better R but he seems to not want that in any way. He has said that our M is dead, his love for me is dead and when something is dead it can never be revived.I am a person who does believe in the realm of possibility in life but he has said that he sees no possibility here. And there is nothing I can do except just stand back and see the love of my life, my H, move off and live a life, whatever it is (fling/relationship) with OW. I just don't know where there is hope here.
do any of you or have any of you heard of sitch's that have been like this, or worse, where couples have then down the road reconciled and found each other again. He seems to have gone and moved so far away. Our lives are so far apart at his insistence.
I really need your advice and help so if you can please do post back. It is my birthday on Tuesday. I have organised to fly to London late Monday night to spend my birthday with one of my best friends who lives there with her family. I wanted to spend it with someone who really wants to see me and where I can be away from the sitch here and not reminded of my H etc. I am flying late Monday night and wanted to have dinner with my D7 and my Mum but my H usually has our D on Monday eve until 7.30. My Mum mentioned this to him yesterday, because I was at work, and he responded by saying:
* He is more than happy for our D to have dinner and in fact he is happy to pay for EVERYONES meal at my favourite restaurant and he is also very happy to come too, if I would like him to, for either dinner or even just a drink. * Has bought two small presents for our D to give me. * Has said that he will also be buying me a present from him.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.......
Do I accept especially keeping in mind the circumstances? If he was still angry or resentful (feelings and emotions still there) then would he agree to do this. Yet if he was indifferent would he bother buying me a present or paying for dinner.It hurts if it is fully indifference; hen he has truly moved on and has o feelings for me anymore?
I don't want to get my hopes up but I don't want to be walked over either. he is still with OW......
Its hard because if I could think of my perfect birthday dinner it would be at that restaurant, with my H, D and Mum. And if I accept then that's what I will have.
Except the underlying reality of our lives is radically different.
