Oh, bless your heart.....you are so confused and can't decide.....and the typical LBH. And.....your wife is typical MLC/WAW. In one post you have decided you can't hang on for another year of this and then your desire to have her back gets the best of you (especially after the late night secret date... smile ) and now, you just don't know which way to turn. I'm not making fun of you in case this post should sound that way. Not at all! I hate it for the LBS. I can't imagaine how horrible it must be for them.......well, I try to imagaine....but I have not been in their place. Which brings me to what I want to say to you and also to my buddy "Stuck". Guys........you are talking as if you are dealing with "normal" women here. THEY ARE NOT......REPEAT.....NOT NORMAL. Why do you keep forgetting that? They have a "disease" called MLC and The Walk-Away Wife Syndrome. If you know from the depth of your soul that you cannot wait around for how ever long it takes for her to come out of the fog, then you need to move on. However, it is not necessary to get a D. You can drop the rope......get on with your life.....and yet not file for a D. You may even go as far as to get the D.......but you don't have to if you don't want to. I am not saying this about either of you or anybody in particular, but some do not get the difference in dropping the rope and getting a D and there IS a difference. Anyway, I don't have time to get into all of that. I just want you to be sure before you make any fast decisions. When I posted back a couple of weeks ago, you sounded very sure that you had no intentions of waiting on the side-lines until her A was over. Now.......you are wishy-washy. That's okay. You don't have to decide right now. Get some rest. Think about it. Pray about it. You've waited this long.....you can wait and think a few more days.

Before I go, I want to say this......and it is not to lay a guilt trip on you one bit b/c I have right out told some people that they need to move on and leave the S alone (but usually there was something different that a MLC/WAW thing). Anyway, if you really could look at this as a disease.......what would you do? If the disease caused her to act and think like a person completely foreign to who she always was.......what would you do? Understand this please......in no way am I making excuses and saying it is acceptable and fine to have an PA or EA. It is wrong. It is sin......period. That is why it is so much more complicated that dealing with a S who has a psycological problem. B/c it hits the LBS so very, very personal. Hearts are broken, lives torn apart, anger and bitterness is born, respect and self-esteem is lost.......on and on we could expound on this subject. If it weren't for all these dang "emotions" getting in the way so we could just be able to use our normal minds to think we might......well......But the emotions are there....all raw and bleeding. The decision as to what you can do is very personal and in the end.....we can say a lot of stuff, but you are the one that has to live with that decision.....you and of course the children. Ahhhh.......the guilt trip. You should recognize it well by now, huh? That is not what this is about. As a former wayward wife, who Puppy says lies and cheats, I feel almost vulnerable to you in asking you to just re-think the outcome. How valuable is this lady to you? I think I know how valuable she was in the past......for now you may not be too sure......and as you said, we can't predict the future. At first, I agreed with you and thought that dropping the rope was probably the best way to deal with this stitch, but after what has happened, I think you do have a strong chance in drawing her back.......but.....BUT, it would take time and that is what you are having a problem with......TIME. You don't want to feel that you have wasted time waiting for her and then it not happen. But then I have to ask again......how valuable is she?

She is treating you (outside of actually having a PA) better than I treated my H. Everything else sounds about the same. I didn't share with my friends what was going on, but the Internet stuff was the same. I could not stand to be in the same house when my H was here! She seems like she adores you. I can see there is attraction on her part just by what you post. That is so much more than what I had to work with. We were in such a mess at Sandi's place. But, my H stayed. He did not support what I did by any means! But, he stayed. I slowly begin to see the OM and what was "really" happening and I decided it was not worth my family's love and respect and 40 years of M to have a few moments with the OM. My fantasy of a future with him was fed to me from him just to have his needs fulfilled. But when he saw he was not getting me to a motel as fast as he wanted.....I could tell that he would rotate from woman to woman until he finally phased me out. She will discover that about her OM also. Her fantasy is different from mine. Well, I am not really saying anything new. Just had a heavy heart readying your pain. I felt that I was too quick in agreeing with you about moving on and wanted to encourage you to think about it and the possibility that since you two have the connection with each other......I don't know why a friendship could not be established and go from there. Some may think, "Why would a man want to have a friendship with the woman who cheated on him and lied to him?" It always goes back to how valuable is she to you? Is she worth it in spite of what she's done? If not, then you do need to move on. If you think she might be, why not hang on a while longer and give it a few baby steps and see where it goes. Could you be any worse off? Yes, you are afraid of the "hopes" and getting more hurt. I know that. But is it worth it to try?

If you can get past the A and the state of mind she is in at the present and consentrate on starting a new R and maybe even a M......then it must start with a small friendship and baby step it from there. If you know you can't and won't get past what she's done, then move on and set her free b/c she doesn't need you to be there. If you can't forgive her and you can't put the OM out of the picture and realize you got the prize.....then move on and let her be free. It takes a very big man......a strong man......one full of much love to hang on and give it another try before he throws in the towell.

I see the ball being in your court now. You are probably thinking it is in hers b/c she needs to do this and that and.......but it is in your court. Just give it some time. Get some rest.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.....that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I'm found; was blind but now I see.

God bless and keep you.

Love,
Sandi

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!