How long has this affair been going on, according to the phone records?
How far back have you checked, and is there a chance there's been any others? Might make a difference in your DBing efforts if this is a recent, one-shot "mistake" no her part, vs. a longer-term pattern of infidelity?
What about Steady?...do you guys ever hear from him any more?
Last time I talked to Ken he was doing OK. Nothing has really changed in his stich. She still wants him out and nothing to do with working on the M and he is steadfast in staying until everything is worked out with regards to the kids, the house and the finances. He sounds good but I can tell its hard on him because she is so adament to end it.
As for you keep your head up, I know its hard but you are doing the right thing in honoring your M vows and trying your best to make your M work. As I said on my thread a couple of months ago neither one of us are the fools in this they are, keep that in mind.
Take care and make sure you are centered and as unemotional as possible for when she gets home.
Think about how you would feel if this were the event that first precipitated your coming to this board for support and counsel. While it does sound as though this may be at the level of an emotional affair right now, you may hold out hope that it has gone no further. If this had been the beginning of your crisis, how would you have felt about the issue of whether or not this is a dealbreaker?
Quote:
"What thunder?"
Is it a deal breaker?
I know you can watch threads and users on this site, but I hope you guys know how amazing it is to me that you are always there. Bill, Corey..thanks. Everyone else too, but just so you all know..these 2 guys have been with me since about the first week I got here..over a year ago.
It is a deal breaker....depending on the time of the day, right now.
I know it's time for a heart to heart and for a chance for her to get it all out the open. She needs to know what I know and explain it.
How that is all going to happen is what I am working on in my brain right now and over the next couple of days until she gets home.
Right now I am feeling pretty good, so sane NDS is thinking straight.
Actually, this is basically the same plan whether I am sane NDS or insane, crying NDS.
My plan is to DB...for myself this time. I didn't do that this past year. I changed..for her..and for myself, but she has been first all through this.
That's what I would have done differently if I had just come upon this information and this board....save myself, and if you save the marriage it's a bonus.
My only question now is do I really want to save the marriage? I may never have the chance, or want it, but I know right now, I have to get up enough strength to make myself the priority this time, along with my daughter.
It's still not feasible for the 2 of us to live separately, financially, but I am planning on that changing with some recent changes at work that we have been waiting for this past year.
I won't leave until we can do it comfortably. If she needs to get away from me..or has someone or somewhere else to go, so be it. It will tough but I'll figure it out.
The balls in her court now...I am not going to expend any energy on asking her about any of what I found yet. If she wants to talk about it, explain than she can and I will listen.
Until then, I'm a ghost. A polite, friendly. kind unemotional ghost. She does not get to be my friend right now.
Why would you want to have contact with her? Because she's your W and if you didn't care, you wouldn't be angry about this. Keeping the lines of communication open now will make her homecoming more comfortable for you both. If you ignore her now, she will feel you've already made up your mind about the situation and when discussions do happen, they could be heated. I'm not saying you couldn't limit your contact, but still be open to communicating.
Let me ask you, what will avoiding contact with her do for you? What will this do for you when she comes home?
WT
I understand what you are saying, and trust me I do not want things strained and uncomfortable when I first see her. I am spending this time I have until she get backs gathering my thoughts and my strength and detaching.
For me, if you knew how I had been this past year, it would be almost impossible to avoid complete contact with her..maybe first contact, but I wouldn't go 4 or 5 days without answering a text or phone call.
She texted me this morning...."what's up?"...she wanted to see if I was "alright".
I said yes, why and asked what she was doing.
She said they were doing blah, blah, blah...and ended it with "really..just wanted to see if you were alright"
I told her to have a nice day.
My thoughts about avoiding contact with her have more to do with knowing that she really doesn't want to go out of her way to contact me.
I can count on 2 hands the number of texts and calls I have got from her. The other dude has had hundreds....pictures too.
The log I checked was recent and I don't think I can go back much further, and won't for now. I'm not at the key logger or phone bugs stage yet.
This guy is clear across the country, she said they have never met in person. The emails I saw were from another guy...out of the country I believe...old friend.
She said the texting was mostly the past couple of months when we talked the other day, and like I said, insisted it was nothing emotional.
If I had to say...that might make sense. She has still been pretty close and cool, but maybe something was different lately. I would say through the winter and early spring, things were very good. That's why I had not been around here much.
She said the texting was mostly the past couple of months when we talked the other day, and like I said, insisted it was nothing emotional.
If I had to say...that might make sense. She has still been pretty close and cool, but maybe something was different lately. I would say through the winter and early spring, things were very good. That's why I had not been around here much.
I reread that this morning, and didn't want anyone to think I was completely naive.
I was just repeating what she said and thinking about what she gave me for a time frame and her actions and moods over the past several months.
When we talked the other night I told her that I noticed a more relaxed wife the past couple of months. She said it was because we were drinking and going out all the time...self medicating.
I have been out with a friend once since they left and did some drinking...other than that..nothing, and I feel pretty damn good. I know I pushed for it a lot when we were together this past year to keep the momentum going and have some fun, and I know her vacation and the people she is with has allowed her to stay focused on the partying.
My goal, along with the others is to leave that behind, see where she goes with it and focus on myself, the home, job and finances.
Like I said in the post last night, I think I am going to dig in for the fight. Not necessarily to save the marriage, but because for a year now I have laid back and told her when the time comes I will pack and leave.
She changed the rules, broke a trust and a promise. I have nothing but a good husband and a gentleman for 14 months now and she chose to stay...chose not to push for a separation.
It's my home just as much as it is hers, and if she needs the space or to be away from me, it's her option to find it.
I would just encourage you to prepare yourself emotionally for the possibility that this guy wasn't the first, and that her infidelity goes back further. Whether you snoop further (I agree, you probably shouldn't) or whether she confesses it at some point, I just don't want to see you take another punch to the gut if that turns out to be the case.
I'd also suggest that although you're thinking you're "not even going to get into it with her" right now, she IS going to ask you "what's up?" and "why are you acting this way??" You've been a best friend to her for so long now, she's going to notice the emotional pullback, and she WILL ask you about it.
NDS, Nothing to add other than I am reading along and will keep you on the prayer list. You actually sound like you are a little more clear headed right now. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
