Thanks Snodderly, As expected so so good a day today; have woken up with a huge pain in my heart. But I just simply have to keep on going, as you say. My abdom pain is at least under control so for that I am grateful. I am trying to live my life in the most full, best way I know how.I was speaking with a friend of mine who is a horticuluralist and gardener about helping me develop the garden; its something that I haven't contributed much to and I want to make something of it for me, my H was always the one who did this sort of stuff.
Irrational yes, but so cruel and hurtful, he saw me in a hospital bed last Sunday on morphine and he hasn't once asked me how I am, even through a second channel. He hasn't asked how my Mum is even though she is struggling and on blood pressure meds because of what has happened over the last 5 months. My only assumption is that he is completely flipped it. `This doesn't even show care of a human being let alone someone you have been with for 10 years. I am literally appalled.
God is a huge comfort for me, I have to trust that he will do the right thing by us all. I have no money, my health is not great and the man I love has gone. But I have my beautiful little girl and I have my morals and ethics.
And I can honestly say that I have tried to love well, I have made mistakes and there have been times where I haven't probably been the wife/mother I should have been but there has always been one thing true and that is that I have loved my family, always. they have been the most true and honest thing in my life.And my family has been ripped apart.
I dont know what our future holds; I believe that God can do the impossible; but this situation seems so hopeless; so much damage; I just hope that my D and I can survive this phase. I want to be able to forgive myself for all that I have done, I pray that God will be forgiving. I also hope that I can find love and forgiveness for my H, somehow.
He must be in pain. he doesn't look well or happy. Surely he would be unless deep down inside he has guilt, he has read at a very deep level the chaos that he has caused. The fact that through my actions (staying with our D and raising her, not moving to London which is what he so determindly wanted to believe) has forced him to see just how much has really been in front of him. The woman by his own admission he has longed for for the last 5 years. And now it is to late, for him, in his own mind.
I guess I am just trying to make sense of this. He has gone COMPLETELY off me, no contact, no apparent interest. Guilt? maybe. Heartbreaking, most definitely but I have to remember that this does not define me. It is obviously his stuff, his inability to resolve me and the marriage.
Any views? Thank you so much everyone, Peace, Snodderly.......I am so grateful for your guidance. Thank you.
