I, Enjoy your time away w/your little one. You need a change in scenery for a bit.
As for the other woman, please do not compare yourself to her....she's nothing as far as I am concerned. Any person that will take up w/a married person is at the bottom of the barrel in my opinion. Now, it does take two to dance this tango, so we do not know what your h has told her. They do tend to paint a different picture of their lives once they get motivated to leave the marriage. It's called rewriting history. She may very well not know just who this man really is, unlike you...who do.
When they are in crisis, their egos are every fragile, so they go looking for someone to talk to about how they are feeling. They feel like they've missed out on the best years of their lives, they are aging, health issues, maybe some sexual problems, can't communicate w/us like they use to, oh, yeah, we've grown apart, etc. So, there a peoole out there looking for these fragile people to snap them up for a good time and yes, to spend their money and have them taken care of for a while. No, you are not like her at all. You are far, far better than she is.
I know that this isn't what you wanted, but unfortunately, he's driving his crisis bus and will not even think of looking back and reconsidering at this time you, the marriage or a relationship. You will need to find a way to take care of yourself and live your life as if he's not returning. As for your friends, they mean well...but they aen't walking in your shoes. Ignore their comemnts and continue looking ahead.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderley, thanks for your message; I have been away with my D and my mum for the last few days........it has been interesting.....i always love hearing from you and it offers me such comfort in what you say. my WAH dropped off D7 at home last Saturday and we preceded to drive to Killarney, County Kerry IRL. Had dinner in our hotel and went to sleep. I woke Sunday morn, had a shower and had the most agonising pain; I cant remember much but apparently I dropped to the floor and lost consciousness. the next thing I knew was that two ambulance people were there and I was taken to hospital for all of Sunday and Monday morning. My mum had to ring my WAH who drove the hour and a half to meet her and our D, then he drove them all to see me in hospital. i was in a huge amount of pain. he popped into see me twice, very uncomfortable. I was in pain, physically and emotionally seeing him. I said i didnt fully understand why he was there; he replied, i am not a barbarian, i care about you and i care about your mother. i replied that i was grateful for him being there to support my mum and d but in terms of cre for me all i could see was the man, that i married and love, cares for me but.......he obviously doesnt. he was angry and said that continuing the conversation would be good for neither of us so he then walked out.......again, this is the second time he has done this to me in hospital. He then proceeded to have a chat with my mum outside; he was going on about how I have subjected him to mental cruelty for five years, how I have been suicidal, that I told him that i was going back o Oz (my home country) to die f cancer, that I have been a negligent mother and that people have been horrified by my actions over the years etc. How can he do this to my mum, who is so overwrought and exhausted, overweight and battling chronic high blood pressure. My mum looked as if she was going to drop yesterday and he went on with these lies and ravings? Why, after five months, is he still talking about these things? Anger? Not indifference surely? He is harbouring so much about me..... He also admitted that the OW he has known as a friend for 10 years. I cant remember him ever mentioning her to be honest but it does add a different slant on things; not someone completely new........he also mentioned to my mum that it wasn't an important, high level relationship, whatever that means. I also had a visit from my SIL in hospital yesterday. She absolutely let go, saying that I have to show him what i am made of, that i am a better person than all of this, that i have to stand tall and be proud......she also thinks his R with OW is a car crash waiting to happen; my H turned to her for comfort and that it wont last, because he flung himself so quickly into it from the marriage itself. She is urging me to stay strong and go for my life without him that the M is over and i have to say good riddance. now my focus has to be my little girl,and she is absolutely right. He had our D today, when my mum and i got home from hospital (my h had our D7 stay with him and her half sister in his XW's house last night) he completely ignored both mum and myself. even after sil was on the phone to him to warn him about my mums health he didnt ask how she was left alone me......straight out of hospital and he couldn't even look me in the face let alone speak to me. sorry for the rant but this is getting difficult; is he confused? or merely resolute that he wants nothing to do with me and our marriage/r over the last decade...... advice?
i will be posting in a few hours on other peoples threads......thanks for your support everyone; this website has been and continues to be a life changing experience. innish xxxx
i Sorry about your Hospital visit you are OK? Was the pain emotional?
I would tell your mom to avoid any further contact with you H I beleive this is devastating to our mothers as well as us I believe our WAS/MLCERS have a way to shutdown their emotions from us and the pain they are causing MY mother died last year. MY XH and her had a very nice R for many yeras he never went to see her or call her he also had NO concern for me while she was sick and dying he never asked about her or cared if I needed to visit her he only worried about his time schedule they become very self focused they Lie rewrite history spend everything. available and credit they are not the same try to not take anything he says as truth he is just confused they cant really be there for us right now its about him and not you keep going it will be easier soon the pain will ease up--trust and for now just feel it peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thankyou peace for your time and interest.......it means so much at the moment..... yes, he rewrites history.... I just think that now i need to fully go dark and drop the rope. I need to concentrate on me..... The more I view his behaviour the more I see that it is about where HE is at........ Not believing that what he is saying is truth is hard when he does such a convincing job of making it sound so real; so determined. I will ring my consultant this morning; I know that stress is not helping my condition but I do think that there is something else there, the pain has been so extreme. I am leaning on God now, to save me, my family and my husband. And ultimately, if it is God's will, my marriage.
I also wanted to let you know that when I read your last post it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for reminding me that I am a far far better person than the OW is. I agree; any woman that takes up with a married man is lower than low, especially when she knows the wife AND the D7. My SIL has the view that it is a comfort issue, a car crash waiting to happen. Of course I want to agree. The main thing, especially after the weekend and hospital is that i start thinking about me now. I have to. The man that i love and that i married is the man that cares, not this man, this alien. you are right; he is driving the crisis bus and i need to step back and let him go on his journey. would love to hear from you, thank you so much for your kindness. i am a good person, who has made many mistakes in her marriage but loves and believes. i am a committed person with ethics and morals. i x
Hi everyone, I had a better day yesterday; determined to start making my life something wonderful and assuming that he wont be there to spend it with me. There is no alternative now but to keep moving forward. I have a daughter who needs me and a mother who is unwell. I also need to sort out my health. he has no inquired once about me or my health and neither my mothers.
That is so clear.
Bottom line; I want to be with someone who loves me and who cares about me.
MLC or not, it is his journey.........I have to live mine, to the fullest.
He has made his choices for the moment.....that is that. It still hurts like hell but I have to live with the pain and look forward with my daughter. I miss my husband but he seems to be completely gone.
Going dark seems to have made no impact. I have to accept this for what it is.
As we all have, up and down days.......at least we can share here with people who understand......thanks everyone
many of the techniques we use on our WAS do no impact on them they are checked out of the R b/c they are shutdown replay and OW help numb them and spending and all the other things trips, buting things new friends ect they will try to stay in replay for as long as they can and avoid looking at any reality good choice to move into your new life yes it hurts but the growth you will attain will be for your highest good you will change and become all you are suppose to be if you use this as the lesson it was meant to be as for you H..he will attain nothing thru this part of his journey until if ever he decide to also do this inner work peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I, I'm glad you are feeling a bit better today. You must continue moving forward and taking care of yourself. You are the most important in your child's life right now and you have to be there for her. She needs to know that her "mum" will be there for emotional and physical support because her father has checked out and is acting irrational. Your health is the most important thing in your life.
Live your life to the fullest. We are to help you along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly, As expected so so good a day today; have woken up with a huge pain in my heart. But I just simply have to keep on going, as you say. My abdom pain is at least under control so for that I am grateful. I am trying to live my life in the most full, best way I know how.I was speaking with a friend of mine who is a horticuluralist and gardener about helping me develop the garden; its something that I haven't contributed much to and I want to make something of it for me, my H was always the one who did this sort of stuff.
Irrational yes, but so cruel and hurtful, he saw me in a hospital bed last Sunday on morphine and he hasn't once asked me how I am, even through a second channel. He hasn't asked how my Mum is even though she is struggling and on blood pressure meds because of what has happened over the last 5 months. My only assumption is that he is completely flipped it. `This doesn't even show care of a human being let alone someone you have been with for 10 years. I am literally appalled.
God is a huge comfort for me, I have to trust that he will do the right thing by us all. I have no money, my health is not great and the man I love has gone. But I have my beautiful little girl and I have my morals and ethics.
And I can honestly say that I have tried to love well, I have made mistakes and there have been times where I haven't probably been the wife/mother I should have been but there has always been one thing true and that is that I have loved my family, always. they have been the most true and honest thing in my life.And my family has been ripped apart.
I dont know what our future holds; I believe that God can do the impossible; but this situation seems so hopeless; so much damage; I just hope that my D and I can survive this phase. I want to be able to forgive myself for all that I have done, I pray that God will be forgiving. I also hope that I can find love and forgiveness for my H, somehow.
He must be in pain. he doesn't look well or happy. Surely he would be unless deep down inside he has guilt, he has read at a very deep level the chaos that he has caused. The fact that through my actions (staying with our D and raising her, not moving to London which is what he so determindly wanted to believe) has forced him to see just how much has really been in front of him. The woman by his own admission he has longed for for the last 5 years. And now it is to late, for him, in his own mind.
I guess I am just trying to make sense of this. He has gone COMPLETELY off me, no contact, no apparent interest. Guilt? maybe. Heartbreaking, most definitely but I have to remember that this does not define me. It is obviously his stuff, his inability to resolve me and the marriage.
Any views? Thank you so much everyone, Peace, Snodderly.......I am so grateful for your guidance. Thank you.
I Some mlcer go no contact some have some contact others have a lot of contact there was something written about this by JIM conway I think he called in dropouts dropins droplets? I think so this is common I think the lighter and friedlier we are with no confrontations will promote contact for some still other mlcers will leave with no contact for a while keep going though It is also normal to look at the mistakes in our M this will help us change hwat we did wrong for the future
we all made mistakes but not every Man will leave for another woman peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
