Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

I came here just primarily to help men who might need my perspective.

Kittyfish, I don't want to steal someone else's thread, but can you stop by my thread to let me know your thoughts? My wife has filed for divorce and moved out 6 weeks ago. I've been having a really rough 2 weeks but I'm trying to dig myself out. Any fresh perspective will really be appreciated.

CIPA, don't worry about stealing someone else's thread here...we're all here for each other, and I hope you can get whatever help you can glean from these threads, regardless of whose threads they are. You are certainly welcome here. I know things are really tough for you, and I hope other perspectives will help you out.

[antlers]

I second that (getting your perspective Kittyfish). I think I interpret DB principles as helping communicate change and willingness to change in an effective way, which perhaps carries the message of wanting to meet the WAS's needs and being ready to listen and understand with empathy. Things that were usually missing and caused the split in the first place.

Yeah...and helping you to become a better and stronger person...period. These changes might, or might not, help you to save your marriage. If they do...great, if they don't...you've still made changes that were necessary for you to become a better and stronger person.

[antlers]

Thanks everyone. It's really hard for me to come here and post those things- even in an anon forum. I do really hope it helps someone....

We know it's hard to come here and post about being a WAW, especially to a bunch of people who are here and hurting because their spouses have left them! It will help us, so please keep doing it. Thanks. BTW...how are things with you now?

[Kittyfish]

Things are actually good with me. I'm remarried- to a guy who was a betrayed husband ( what a strange pair we make huh? ). I've grown alot in reading and studying and I'm strong enough to say I'd never have another affair.

My ex and I are not friends- although I've asked for his forgiveness. He hasn't given it but I'm okay with that because I understand in a way. It's his choice. He's remarried and it seems to be okay. He's remarried to someone I've known for ages and she and I can communicate good about the kids. They are 13 and 7.

I do have alot of guilt over what happened. I probably always will- but yet I'm moving forward.

[Kenn]

Hey Kitty,

I will add like many others your perspective helps.

There is no doubt that my wife is or was unhappy. One of the things that helped me was reading the post about a WAW... being miserable is horrible....

I struggle with many issues whether it's mid life transition, blaming, giving up too easy ??? But I am a better understaning person because people like you who post ... thank you?

[antlers]

Kids went back last night. We had some good times. They came over early Monday morning, and we went horseback riding. They've never been on horses before, and they had a blast. They did great too. I worked in the yard and they played outside until time for my softball games Monday night. We all went and had fun. On Tuesday, we were outside all day, with me working in the yard and them playing. Then we went to the lake that afternoon and rode paddleboats. They had never done that either and they really had fun. Yesterday we just stayed outside all day. They have lots of friends in the neighborhood and they play with them a lot. She picked them up last night, but my son stayed with me and we watched 'Taken', and I took him back afterwards. My 12 y/o daughter is still hard, cold, and resentful towards me...but I'm working hard at showing her that I love her very much. I wish things weren't the way they are...but they are. I really am doing my best under the circumstances. I'm planning a vacation for us right now for later on this month.

There is no communication between she and I, except regarding the kids. It's usually texting, and I keep it short and to the point. I think it's all I can do right now. I don't like it, but that's where I'm at. 'Dropping the rope'.

[SmileysPerson]

That sounds like a very good interaction with the kids, even D, who is (as you know and point out often here) completely entitled to her feelings. If you haven't, you might even let her know that you understand that.

Not communicating with W is the best course-of-action at this point from my POV -- you're letting things stabilize, which is an excellent tip I'll be following myself.

[antlers]

That sounds like a very good interaction with the kids, even D, who is (as you know and point out often here) completely entitled to her feelings. If you haven't, you might even let her know that you understand that.

Not communicating with W is the best course-of-action at this point from my POV -- you're letting things stabilize, which is an excellent tip I'll be following myself.

Mornin' SP.

Yeah, we had some fun over the last few days. I felt pretty good about it, and I know they enjoyed themselves. Yeah, daughter is entitled to her feelings...she doesn't much like talking about them though. I just try to be loving and reassuring to her. What is it SP that I should let her know that I understand? Her entitlement to her feelings? Or her feelings themselves? What?

Not communicating like this feels counterintuitive for sure...it makes you feel like nothing is happening...but I agree with you that it is the best course-of-action right now. I hope things are stabilizing.

[SmileysPerson]

Yeah, you tell her, "I know you're struggling, and that's okay. You don't have to worry if you're hurting my feelings or anything. Everyone deals with stuff in different ways." That kind of thing. Basically what you'd want to hear, yeah?

[antlers]

Yeah, you tell her, "I know you're struggling, and that's okay. You don't have to worry if you're hurting my feelings or anything. Everyone deals with stuff in different ways." That kind of thing. Basically what you'd want to hear, yeah?

That sounds pretty good SP. Thanks. She's got a lot of anger and resentment and hurt built up from over the years too. And she's bothered by things being the way they are. She's pretty hard and cold and mean to me...but I have to remember that she is hurting and maybe confused.