WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

"I hate what I had done to get us to this point. I have learned my lesson and will continue to learn from it for the rest of my life."

Have you read anything that we've posted here? Stop blaming yourself. Your W is clinging to a "hurt" which, yes, is pretty dramatic. You and her can't live in the past. You're just frustrated and the main reason is because 1) you believe all the self-serving crap she's been dishing on you and 2) you haven't forgiven yourself.

Well M is a two-way street. Both of you made mistakes. So what? You're only human. Forgive and move on. Let's face it...your W has some major self-esteem issues. Look at her fluctuating weight for one thing. All she does is complain about it, but does she do anything about it? No. She would rather complain about it.

It seems like that's your W's response to everything. It's not my fault. If only someone else could. Blah blah blah. She's gotta take responsibility some time and you can't shoulder everything.

She's hurt, fine. She's an adult. Let her deal with it because you can't change how she thinks and you can't control it. Simple as that. But you're allowing her to control you big time. It's been like this since day 1. If you read what you just wrote, you could hold it up to your first post and it's exactly the same.

I understand how your boys are hurting. My girls were hurting big time too. So be there for them when they need it, but stop carrying the cross on your shoulders.

There's your 2x4.

Stuck,

Thanks for the 2x4. I've been trying not to blame myself and am coming to grips that I must forgive myself. I just haven't gotten there yet. I know I need to forgive myself before I could imagine having someone else (i.e. my wife) forgive me.

I do shoulder my share and see that she isn't even considering that she has anything to shoulder. One of my concerns is that even if she does, she doesn't deal with it in a very healthy manner. Until then, as Sandi had pointed out, there's not much chance that things will turn around. I just have to figure out how to steer/help her figure it out.

I did wind up calling the boys to say goodnite. I chatted with each of them a bit and then I asked to talk to my wife. My wife got on and I told her that our 7 year old still had homework to do tonite. She then started complaining about how difficult and uncoorperative the kids are becoming. I tried to listen and respond with "Oh, that can be just so frustrating" or "I can't believe that" or "You are right, that is ridiculous when they do that".

I then tried to shift to something positive in terms of how funny the game was tonite. She said it was but then went right into how bad the pizza was that she picked up for dinner and how it was not good for her (weight wise) and how she spent $50 for take out over the last 2 nites. Then she went into how cold it was before the game started and how she, at one point, even thought about just leaving and having the boys come home with me (I would have loved it I thought). She said she didn't because our 7 year old told her that he wanted her to be at the game this week since she missed last week.

I then tried to get her refocused on some of the funny things that happened during the game (shift into positive talk). I got her to agree that it was funny a few times. Then I told her that it sounds like she still has some things to take care of tonite so I would let her get going. I said goodnite and hung up.

So I'm still continuing with my latest strategy of where I engage her in light conversation after I say good nite to the kids. I try to be someone who listens and tries to understand/get her as she talks (which she does, usually complaining about something). I do then try to talk about something positive/funny and be the one who ends the call.

Let's see how this goes.

Thanks again for the 2x4.