Is there a reason why you allowed him to pick up your Ds? Is there a set schedule?
I wasn't sure if he was picking them up just because he missed them. If that's the case, then you shouldn't give in. He made his bed, he needs to lie in it.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. They don't call it an emotional rollercoaster for nothing! When I was early on in my sitch, I read so much that I would have a stack literally 3 feet high by my bedside. And if I wasn't reading, I was on these boards looking for support.
Hang in there and have faith.
{{stuck}}
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Is there a reason why you allowed him to pick up your Ds? Is there a set schedule?
I wasn't sure if he was picking them up just because he missed them. If that's the case, then you shouldn't give in. He made his bed, he needs to lie in it.
{{stuck}}
What about when the kids are pining for more time with H? I've been very flexible with my H because I knew he was going to be traveling a lot. Also, his schedule is such that he can only realistically commit to a couple of days but ends up with more time on the fly. For him, I would like to be a hard-a** but my kids want more of him. I still think it may be better to stick to a schedule for the kids' benefit (predictability) but it is a hard call. Also, sometimes I want the time for myself even if it is last minute. And, I might want him to help me out or cover me if I need it. I wonder if it is best to stick to a schedule in the beginning and be more flexible further down the line if the R is workable.
Start out with a schedule first. The kids do need structure. You can't be so flexible that if the kids start saying they want to stay at "dad's" you'll let them whenever they wanted to. They'll start saying things like, but you let us last time, etc.
Of course there are times when things come up and you would hope that both you and your H have enough respect for one another to take turns when things like that come up. The thing is that kids shouldn't be treated like a commodity or pets. They need equal time with both parents unless of course one is in an unhealthy environment.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I agree but H's schedule prohibits us making a commitment to "equal time" on a regular basis and I question if the whole 50/50 thing doesn't treat them more as an object. I mean my kids have been with me 90/10 most their lives so consistency would be sticking with that. We can't split them in half. Still, I would like them to have more time if possible.
Anyway, I think the schedule is a good idea in general.
Well then maybe come up with a base schedule based on his availability and stick to it. You shouldn't just hand the kids over to him when it's convenient for him.
It was his decision to leave, therefore he takes all the problems that go along with it, namely not seeing the kids when he wants to.
Once that structure is in place, then he can't gripe and feel like you're holding the kids from him. But I think it would be good for your sanity also to take charge of that part of you life. See how it goes.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hi Nicole. Just checking in. I think you responded well to the text msgs... I would have been tempted to jump after the 1st one but you handled it well. Sounds like H has some mixed feelings... just keep on taking care of yourself and the kids; be open to conversations with H but validate, vs. a full-blown discussion back and forth with H. If he wants to share more about his sadness later, be a good listener and really hear him.
I understand what you're saying about it being hard to see H so much. I feel the same way about the lack of contact or face-to-face with my H!! It's just plain hard!
So...in regards to the schedule with the kids...we have a loose schedule that I put into motion which is he picks them up Tuesdayss and Thursdays and we are going to switch off every other weekend. Last weekend was his first with them alone, and it was when he started texting me some "hopeful" texts. So...this week, Tuesday I requested that we switch and he could pick them up Wed instead because of a party for D6's Girl Scouts that I forgot about. So Tuesday he did not pick them up and i didn't talk to him at all...(mon or Tues.)...then Tues night he sent me that text saying he missed me...blah blah blah. Yesterday (wed) I had to pick them up from school and he came over to pick them up after he got off of work, and here is what happened. I was dozing off on the couch when he arrived, and my girls were in time outs in seperate rooms upstairs. (they were fighting!) H flopped onto the couch when he came in...and we talked for about 20 minutes. Lighthearted and I would dare to say even flirty...we both laughed alot and H expressed feelings of being stressed. H also told me that when the kids were at his house for the weekend he got on D8 for something...smacked her upside the head...and felt really bad. He said he didn't know why he overreacted, and was upset about it. Anyway, I just listened to him and it was a good convo. Then he rolls over and cuddles up to me, and I think you know where that lead. I told him we probably shouldn't do it and he asked if it would be too upsetting for me. I said maybe, but I wanted to be with him. He carried me upstairs and the rest is history. We showered together, (sorry if its too much info), and then I thought he would leave, but he layed back down on the bed and fell asleep. I let him sleep for about an hour then I woke him up and told him I had to go. I left and went to yoga and then over to a friends house for a glass of wine. My attitude was never emotional, and all I felt was happiness. Truly. So, I told him he could stay with the kids at the house and he did (since he was going to be dropping them back off in a couple of hours anyway) and he thanked me for letting him do that. When I got home, he was watching TV and I sat down and we talked a little bit...the kids came down and we all laughed together and they said their goodbyes. He hugged me and then left...and for the first time I felt ok with him leaving, not sad. I don't know if this was a good thing or not. It felt positive. Like he left, knowing that he could have this life...it was fun, sexy, and HOME. Then off he went to his lonely place. Couldn't have felt good for him. And I am fine with that. His loss. I know that I could have chosen to play hard to get...and not give in to the temptation of being together. I don't know...but I didn't feel bad after and I think I played everything else just right. We'll see. I will see him today at drop off and I am planning on looking REALLY hot. Then I will see him tomorrow and then will go dark for the whole weekend. That is my plan!!!!!!
I agree but H's schedule prohibits us making a commitment to "equal time" on a regular basis and I question if the whole 50/50 thing doesn't treat them more as an object. I mean my kids have been with me 90/10 most their lives so consistency would be sticking with that. We can't split them in half. Still, I would like them to have more time if possible.
Anyway, I think the schedule is a good idea in general.
AK, my H has a very unpredictable schedule too. I am trying keep the Tues/Thurs. sched, but there are always things that come up and this time it was me needing to switch so I wanted to be accomidating about it. I guess as time goes on I will make plans that cannot be changed with working, etc. and he will have to be more responsible and get back up if I cannot pick them up. It is hard. Just like this whole sitch. I am trying to make the kids priority and let them feel good about going to see Daddy. (Yesterday they cried and said the DID NOT want to go to his house!!! and I was very positive with them about going but was secretly thrilled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not exactly the Disneyland that I thought it was!!!!)
