I can't tell you how sorry I am about what's happened.
The loss of trust, the diminishment of our spouse's integrity is a terrible blow. Particularly if you've never had reason to question either before.
You are right to feel the pain and anger. Take advantage of this time apart to try your best to get a handle on your emotions.
I'm not sure how we are to avoid the things we discover when snooping. You will be seeing the words of those messages in your head for some time to come. At some point your wife needs to be given an opportunity to come clean with everything - maybe even with a suggestion that perhaps you know more than she thinks you do.
Think about how you would feel if this were the event that first precipitated your coming to this board for support and counsel. While it does sound as though this may be at the level of an emotional affair right now, you may hold out hope that it has gone no further. If this had been the beginning of your crisis, how would you have felt about the issue of whether or not this is a dealbreaker?
You can't control her Tim, and I know that you have long understood this. In the end she gets to make her choices, and you have to make yours.
My counsel to you has consistently been to speak honestly to her, to tell her just how you feel about her and your life together. I believe there is often too much beating around the bush and tap dancing that we engage in with our spouse for fear of hearing what we don't want to hear. I'm inclined to believe that we are only putting off the inevitable.
You know enough even without the additional snooping material to insist on a true and honest heart to heart. I assume you have not reached out to females for a nurturing relationship over the past year or so, and you are well within reason to expect the same from your wife. Especially with the agreement the two of you had. It's time for her to come clean with what exactly she is willing to do and not do while the two of you are still together. And I think it's important that you be honest with her now and let her know that you remain because of your love for her and your hope that there is still a future for the two of you to have.
I too know how it feels to find out that your wife has reached out to another. When I heard for the first time that my ex had actually pursued and been intimate with her first male friend after moving out, I felt like I was going to explode from the inside out. Only the loss of a loved one could possibly come close to the feeling of devastation that such a discovery brings.
Look out for yourself, take care of yourself. Feel all these things and fight your way through them to stability again. Find your best and closest friends and let them support you in whatever way works best for you.
I'm sorry my friend. We'll all be standing close by to offer our support as often as needed.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
