WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

CIPA,

I can tell in your posts that you're really sorry for the things you did to your wife.

I understand that she is struggling with past hurts- but truly she's upset because once on a ski trip they ignored her? And she has carried that around for years??? WOW- that's kind of dramatic. Everyone's suffering is different though I guess. I can see how seeing her dad cheat on her mom could have affected her.

I actually have gotten help. I'm mildly bipolar type II- which is the lesser of the two- and I can pinpoint alot of my actions towards that. I take a very lose dose of mood stabilizer- and I know I always will have to- and I'm cool with that. For me it's like diabetes or some other kind of illness.

All of the work that you're doing on yourself right now will benefit you later on down the line. Whether or not you're with her or not. I know this- because as I mentioned in one of my earlier posts- my current husband was the betrayed spouse in his marriage. He went to counseling alone and worked on his issues and I'm so glad that he did- because he gets it- he really does. And I have reaped the rewards of him doing that.

Little things like looking your woman in the eye when she talks to you can go a long way.

Kittyfish,

I am very sorry for how I made my wife feel. I will live with the "guilt" for the rest of my life, whether my wife comes back or not. I couldn't believe that I had made her feel that way. But I can't change the past and realize that all I can do is live now and look forward into the future.

I think she holds onto the hurt from her sister as her sister is very different from her so I suspect that she is somewhat envious of how her sister is - very carefree, fun loving, extroverted/social and isn't overweight. My wife tries to be but I could see that she is uncomfortable doing that (I really noticed the first time that I took her to meet my friends in Florida, then a later trip to meet my friends in NYC). She has to be really "pulled in and hugged" for a while with a group before she feels comfortable. I do know that her sister doesn't try to make her feel "invited" and connected. The same with her dad. Neither one had made the effort to really change to make her feel connected.

I do agree that she needs help. More help than I am capable of giving, even if she wanted it from me. What made you decide to get help? It sounds like it really helped you and your current husband had made the changed so I'm glad to hear that you are in a happy/rewarding relationship. It gives me some hope that my future is doomed to be days of saddness.....

Is there anything that you think I could do to try and steer my wife to getting help?