WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

This is whole situation blows.

Baseball went pretty well tonite. Kids had fun. I had fun. My wife kept complaining how cold it was, I had brought an extra sweatshirt for her because I knew it was going to be cold so I gave it to her. We chatted lightly but I could get a sense she didn't really want to talk/chat. I didn't press her. I played with the boys until baseball started and would just say a few words to her to try and keep her engaged.

Baseball started and it was a riot - 3 & 4 year olds playing. She laughed and really seemed to enjoy herself. We were standing close to each other and a few times she leaned very close to me to talk. Our 7 year old kept trying to squeeze in between us or get/keep her attention. I didn't let it bother me (like it did a few weeks ago). He was just being a 7 year old boy trying to get his parents attention as they were paying attention to his 3 year old brother's baseball game.

Towards the end of the game, I noticed that she was standing a little further away. Not sure what happened or changed. I then just focused on my 7 year old and the baseball game. I didn't let it phase me nor change how much fun I was having watching the game (it was like watching the 3 stooges).

Anyway, when the game was over, the coach reminded us tonite was the last game (oh crap - I didn't know) so there goes seeing my wife for dinner at least once a week. My wife asked when my 7 year old started soccer - I said not for 2-3 weeks and then it would be Tues and Thurs nites. So there is going to be a 2-3 week gap. It got me down a little bit, but oh well. What can I expect, we're seperated now and marching along towards a divorce. I can't let a lull in the kids activities that brings us together get me down.

What did get me down was at the end of the nite, the boys were suppose to go back to her place (we alternate Weds). My 3 year old started freaking out that he wanted to go home with daddy. I saw my wife struggling to get him seated and buckled in. I didn't want my 3 year old to think that I was abandoning him so I went back to her truck. I could see she was on the verge of tears. I just touched her back slightly and said gently, that I can take of this (in hindsight I should have asked if I could help or was there anything that she would like me to do, but oh well, I'll have to remember next time).

I gave my 3 year old a hug to calm him and told him that mommy and daddy loves him very much and mommy wants to spend some time with him too. Then my 7 year old ask my wife why she was making sad faces. I just shot him a look to be quiet, but I could see he was sad and on the verge of tears as well. I just gave him a hug and kiss as well. I then tried to buckle in my 3 year old but he kept stressing about coming home.

I had almost asked my wife it that was ok, but thought that would have been wrong as it would have put her in the "bad guy" position. I just told my boys that I will call them tonite to say good nite and that we will do something special when they come home tomorrow. I love them very much but mommy needs to spend time with you too.

I got my 3 year old buckled and I turned to my wife and said good bye. I think she was trying to hide the fact that she was upset/crying from me.

This is really crap. It is really hurting our boys. She must see that. Her "fantasy" that the boys will be fine if we divorce must be blowing up in her face. I am trying to be her friend. I was very upbeat, positive, attentive and caring tonite. I am doing whatever I can do to be a better person.

All she is doing is clinging to the hurt in the past and destroying everything that we had. I know part of it is that she doesn't see what we had as of any value. I do know she loves the boys and does not want to hurt them. But that's not the reason why I want her to stay in the marriage. That's not the marriage I want.

This is real crap. I don't know what to do. It's not right what's happening. I hate what I had done to get us to this point. I have learned my lesson and will continue to learn from it for the rest of my life. The boys are suffering and will continue to suffer from this for the rest of their lives.

I love my wife and am geniuinely sorry for what I've done to make her feel unloved/unlovable. I'm an committed to working on myself to be a better person so that I will enjoy life and make the people around me feel loved and give myself to them. I know this will result in a better me for me and my boys. Why isn't that good enough to save this marriage?

ARGH!!!!