Ok, this is me journalling because tonight did not end well. Tension has been increasing since Sun. Sunday we kept backing away from the disagreements - but it did get under both our skins. Both recognized it and we discussed it later that night. Both felt better. Monday it started again but by lunch time all was well. Tuesday it started again but by lunch time all was well. By Tues nite I was concerned about the effect of this up and down stuff. H calls - he didn't go to a meeting MOn nite because he was too tired. Tues nite he went and left halfway through the meeting and then got called on it from his sponsor. I just listened and did not comment. He readily admitted that his sponsor was right and he was going to do what was needed. This a.m. he chaired a meeting for the first time - went well. But he comes to explain that he didn't sleep last night but for three hours. Wanted to get together tonite but wondered about how tired he is and work has been exceptionally stressful and taking its toll on him and our R again.
He came over, all was good at first and then he became increasingly frustrated about old issues, and hurt when I reminded him that he was putting the cart before the horse. (He wanted to make plans to sell my house next year and purchase a new place.) Main frustration for both of us is money - he was trying to figure out how we could do this when I reminded him that we still have one other person to consider. That started his old frustrations rolling and old arguments creeped up. Both of our defenses rose to the occassion - but more orderly and careful in our statements. But he just couldn't help resorting to the old - well I sign up for another year and you can do what you want with that. All or nothing thinking coming through.
I was sorely disappointed that we couldn't enjoy our time together and he left without resolving it - ending things the old way - not killing the R but when two people agree that they don't feel good about a convo or the way things are going don't they try to figure out how to change that situation at the time?
Good things - we disagreed, expressed our different viewpoints without raising voices, without condescending messages, or breaking up. Old frustrations were admitted and categorized by words appropriately. While he decided to leave - he didn't break up altho he did at some point suggest that we wait another year before living under the same roof. Then he admitted that he was hurt which I think is the real issue - hurt because I reminded him that I still need to see that things can work out consistently with us before planning the future. I think he wanted to assume that things will be ok forever - and I don't think that is realistic.
I am concerned that he doesn't know the difference between Hoping that he remains sober the rest of his life and being over confident in that fact. He now has four months.
I am scared that our issues will not all go away because he is sober like he wants to think. Honestly, when I reminded him that we have had four years together and not had any consistency in our R and lived half of that time apart - his response was to place all the blame on his drinking. I agreed that his drinking was a major problem but I believe we have differences that need to be addressed. He thinks that if sober, all our problems will go away. How realistic is that?
So now that we have relived our old pattern without breaking up - we are both still hurting - and don't know what comes next.
