Situation: Complexifying

[iamlost]

Thanks Kalni, and Miss Imp. I think you're both right.

Well, things came to a bit of head in my world this week. As I continue to move closer to the NG, the confusion about XH has only gotten bigger. Because truthfully, I think I have a tiny Gucci Loafer living in my brain (the poster on this board, not the shoe) and that small part of me thought that maybe, just maybe, XH would turn around when he saw me with a new guy, especially one as great as this one is.

So, before I snuggled deeper into the NG's arms, I looked back through the mostly-closed-to-XH-door...and ended up having two conversations with him in the last two days that left me crying for the last three days. Something's off there.

My XH did tell me that seeing me with the NG "sent a shockwave [of pain] through his entire body" but when I asked, so does that mean anything? He said, "It passed." Apparently, for my XH to really feel enough jealousy to turn around, he must feel as though he is in an electric chair--shockwaves coursing thru his body 24-7.

Basically, in a nutshell, we had two great conversations, I conveyed a ton of love and forgiveness towards him, and he towards me in his own unique way. I asked him, "given how we've both changed, do you think there's a chance to rebuild 'us'". And he was basically like, "No."

I know he still loves me in some way, in the deepest way he is capable of, but he is apparently happy with no responsibilities and no one to wonder where he is at night. This is a man whose father abandoned him and his mom and brothers into poverty, a man with chemical imbalance issues, a man who is bravely amazing despite all that, a man who loved me as much as he had the tools for. I don't fault him anymore for what he did, or how much it hurts that he still isn't willing to try, because he gave me, and gives me now, ALL that he can.

So, I will move on with my life, and won't look back at that door again.

OK, I might, but only to mourn its cold, unyielding hardness.