BEAUTIFUL PERSPECTIVE (IMO): Maybe that is part of why the WAS walks away too. They want to change, cultivate, perhaps reinvent themselves. How can they do that in our presence when we "know" who they really are? So, this space that has been put between us can serve to make room for us to grow as we want to for ourselves and then perhaps rediscover each other in the future (or as we go along in the process of separating, divorcing or reconciling).
So, you are examining the sides of you that your W reacts negatively toward, and deciding whether these are unhealthy things that you need to work on versus an authentic part of YOU that you may or may not be able to alter. Yes?
Lucky
Yes,
There are a few sides of me that just plain don't make me happy either. They weren't working for me, and they weren't working for my family, so they've got to go!
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker: Good for you! I know this work is exhausting, sometimes discouraging, but you just keep on keepin' on!
AK: I've been reading you, and I do think you're spinning out some amazing thoughts. I think it's good that your H is in Europe so that you have some cleansing space. When he comes back and interacts with you more, you will have more to react to, more thinking on your feet...the real test. You're doing great!
@Lucky - your explorations are taking you into treacherous waters. On the subject of "growing together in the marriage" there's a fundamental difference between growing [together, concurrently, simultaneously, harmoniously, in tandem, in sync] and growing the same direction. And, more to the rather indelicate point, if one had been growing in the way you suggest on the previous page, one presumably would not be here. Which is why I've taken to thinking of relationships in one sense as a process of continual "meeting" - because you're never so "set" that you can't make a bad impression.
Thanks Lucky. I've imagined your response to some of my posts...and it wasn't pretty but good to have in my mind. The "silly girl" thing really stuck with me and is really on point with my current theme. I haven't forgotten your words. Sometimes, you've got to hit the wall a few times before it hurts enough to change course. Yep, gonna need some major mojo when H gets back.
Could it be we put the masks on to compensate when we don't have the tools we need to authenticately be ourselves? When we start doing things that go against our nature and values it creates internal conflict. The masks are coping tools we used as kids to hide pain, fear, awkwardness, and unmet needs. Now as adults these coping tools are dysfunctional and wearing us and our families down. Time to learn new coping, communicating, and loving skills. Just be your best you can at the moment. One thing that helped me drop my masks is to talk to people I don't know - in line at the grocery, talk to kids, church. Try to help them, make them smile or laugh. Doing things for others brings out the best in me.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Could it be we put the masks on to compensate when we don't have the tools we need to authentically be ourselves?
This is one aspect that I find so fascinating -- this sort-of quest for "authenticity," as if there exists just one Me.
But all of the things we talk about here, and we read about in the panoply of books that regularly get cited here, talk about process, evolution, growth, change, improvement, enhancement, self-assessment -- in other words, a dynamic rather than the presumably stable state, "The Real Me."
So Coach writes that "Doing things for others brings out the best in me," which implies logically that there also exists Not-Best in Coach -- else "the best" would always be out there. So which is the "real" Coach -- the "best" or the "not-best" -- or both -- or neither?
I find it ironic, too, that we LBS's are able to say "I want her/him to accept me as I am" and in the next breath say "I'm going to work on being the best LBS Me that I can be" [which means WE don't accept us as we are, else we wouldn't feel the need to change!] and then in the next say "I totally reject what s/he has done."
So WAS should accept us [because we're on the side of Right and Good because we're standing up for our marriages] while we are simultaneously rejecting them [because of "what they're doing to us"].
But if one is enjoined to accept the "authentic, real" then, shouldn't we at least entertain the possibility that the WAS we see is the "authentic, real" them? That, in other words, walking away is what THEY "really" do?
"I want her/him to accept me as I am" and in the next breath say "I'm going to work on being the best LBS Me that I can be"
Koan, Catch 22, Paradox, whatever you want to call it.
If you want to get more into what is the "self" (real, perceived, or nothing at all?) may I suggest "Thoughts Without A Thinker: Psychotherapy From A Buddhist Perspective" by Mark Epstein. Foreward by the Dalai Lama. (Not the easiest read nor is it a "Buddhism for Dummies".)
That aside.
I recognize my past "self" was broken: depressed, uninspired, dependent. I am reviving the qualities she admired in me and I admired in myself. Nonetheless I realize we are always in a process of change. We never get "there" so we have to accept and do the best with what we have "here" right now. If I work to make my "here" the very best then that IS my self at the moment.
Her "self" is not the same that I admired: distant, uninspired, unemotional. I can't do anything about it but she is starting to react to me more positively. Once again a "here" vs "there" thing. That is her "self" in the moment.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I'm dizzy now. I'm about to state the obvious. Ready...
WAS has exhibited and usually even expressed confusion, needing to find him/her self etc. So, no, we don't know and may never know who their authentic selves are. Even on their deathbeds they might proclaim that they acted inauthentically for the majority of their lives.
We are left to determine if we were a-ok prior to their departure or if we need to change. And I do believe, having given this more thought, that our behaviors do reflect who we are and vice versa. Maybe that is where we find our authenticity...do our behaviors match the essence of who we are? Obviously, this is sort of amorphous and impossible to define. Who is a self? And are we really any different from each other when we strip off the layers? I doubt it. Who we are, in the sense of how we live, what values we live by and what actions we take exhibit who we are. It is hard to see it any other way. So obviously, that can change drastically in a lifetime. For some, being one's own self will mean, shedding all inhibitions and taking the reigns off, just living on instinct. But that would mean that the "id" is the same as the "self" which I just can't stomach. And of course, I humbly differentiate myself from the WAS in this way. I guess my definition of self is shaping up to be the total of all of those parts including insecurities, hostilities, selfishness etc. and of course all of the "good" parts too. We have to decide which facets will rule. What yields the results and relationships we want in our lives? There have to be some decisions made and some determination as to which parts we will allow to rule and dominate. Ever hear this one?
An old Cherokee Indian was speaking to his grandson:
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil--he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good -- he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a long minute, and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
