Thanks for much for writing. You're an angel to help so many people who are in so much pain.
It seems like last week was easier than this week. Maybe the grey and rainy weather is having an effect on me.
Detaching is difficult. I have detached in that I never begged or pleaded and I haven't contacted him and am friendly and upbeat when he brought my stepson over last week. But inside, I'm a mess. I'm completely sad and lonely and I think about him/us almost all the time.
I don't get it, how can you be such an important part of someone's life and then they disappear? Doesn't he miss me at all? How can we at least be friends when he never calls or eamils?
He's supposed to come tomorrow and move his stuff and I don't know if I should be here all PMA and help him or if I should be gone.
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4years M 9 months stepson 9 H left on 5/17/09
I would be there initially, and then well, good luck, gotta run, look good, and made up, if he comes at lunch, make sure you have plans, after work, you are meeting someone for a drink or appetizers. In the morning, there is a brunch you have to get to or golf or whatever, just make sure you smell nice,, upbeat, and busy, and then gone. Lay some new underwear on the bed for him to see. Make him curious.
The Wa's are very mixed up. They are unsettled, unhappy for whatever their particular reasons are. And they don't change over night. We just don't notice as they are changing.
You are lucky to never have begged or pleaded. It doesn't feel very good during or after.
As to your wondering if he misses you? H might. Maybe not right now. Maybe later. Down the road.
Please do yourself a favor and read postings by the WA's in the other forum. You will learn so much about the WHY from then. They have almost helped me more than any other postings.
Read and post to other people. That will get more people to visit your thread. You will get a circle of people that will check on and support you.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I will read the WA postings, it seems unfair that they have all the power right now. But maybe most of them are in as much pain and confusion as we are.
H did come over yesterday to begin the moveout process. It seemed to go okay. We went out for lunch, (my suggestion, probably seemed like pursuit to him). But it was pleasant. We then moved a few loads over. Later that evening he became a little irritated because I asked to look at his new Blackberry. He thought I just wanted to be snoopy. I need to be busy, PMA, and into GAL when he is here. I was backsliding a little.
He stayed slept on the couch overnight. This morning he's been acting like he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I did make a huge mistake: I asked him if he would put or marriage photo back on his FB in a couple weeks when he feels comfortable about it. I know that was way too controlling and pressuring for me! I need to stop behaving that way when I'm around him. So he's over at his new place, (6 month lease) dropping off a load. I asked him if he needed help with it. He said no. I even asked him if he still loves me, how pathetic of me! He just looked at me and said "What do you think, I haven't been laying next to you and snuggling the last couple weeks." So I'm going to be gone when he gets back. I haven't been doing the 180's and giving him as much space as he needs.
It's interesting, when I read about the 180s and GAL, I think to myself how easy that sounds. Sure , I can do that. And I read about other people backsliding and I think, man, I never would have done that. But here I am making the same kind of mistakes. I have a lot of work to do.
Should I ask for the extra set of my house keys that he has?
Me 40 H 43 T 4 years M 9 months He left on 5/17/09 Stepson 9
You don't get the DB the first time, and not the second or third. It takes time and practice. Keep reading, keep reaching out, Don't ask too many questions. Ask one to get him talking, listen if he talks, back off if he doesn't.
Learn to validate him. Keep your emotions under control while you are around him. Cry if you have to when you are alone. Set a time limit though. Far to hard to wallow in the grief.
Get up, go and do things, keep busy.
You are just getting started. I'm sorry to tell you this is a long road. You are not alone.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Don't help him out, leave his ass alone, this is his bed he is making and it sounds like you want it to make it comfortable for him.
You are correct on the backslides, this day was a perfect opportunity not to be there but you were all over him, with lunch, do you love me, get our picture back up. How long was he there, and all of this happened from you.
OK now it is over, you MUST react cognitively and not emotionally. Think before you say anything, and in fact say nothing unless spoken to.
I believe it is time to go very dark, but I do not think you have it in you and it would be the very best way to get him to be curious about you.
Do not ask for the keys unless he starts to use them and you are not comfortable with that. Then just ask him to leave them under the mat the next time he is there on his way out. Or if he really pisses you off and is coming over all of the time, then change the locks.
TIME TO GET STARTED, You have not yet begun. YOU CAN DO THIS!
Let's see how long it takes for him to contact you without you contacting him. Burt
Pursuing will drive him away. Become the most attractive woman you are capable of. Dburt gave you great advise, but you did not listen. Detatching and moving on with your life without him will keep you from pushing him farther away. People want what they can not have. Become unavailable so that he wants you.
Do you understand projection? Project that you are moving on with out him. Project that you are happy without him. People are attracted to happy people.
I am enjoying life. I project that.
I wake up in the morning, take several deep breaths and enjoy how nice that feels. I lay in bed and enjoy the comfort of the sheets. I have visually stimulating pictures in my room to look at. I get up and shower. I have several choices of shampoo that smell very nice. I enjoy how nice the hot water feels on my body. I massage my head with the shampoo and enjoy that feeling. I spend extra time grooming my self in the morning. I make myself look and smell as good as possible. I pass out smiles all day long, I get lots back. These things make me happy. I enjoy every minute of the day. I am "IN THE NOW" and do not dwell on the past or the future. When in the presence of my ex, I just enjoy her for who she is. She has made her choices. I do not take her choices personal. I sing at church. I dance with my kids. I walk in the rain. These things make me happy. Take action to be happy alone. If you are lonely, go out and mingle with other people. I visit starbucks on a regular basis. I know each of the employees by name. I know details about there lifes. This makes me happy. I talk to the people in line. Each one is interesting. I listen to there stories. This makes me happy.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
HUGS.. You are a very special person. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! The things you did for husband were great, the timing is off. The dance you are involved in is complicated.
Just remember that everything will be OK. Live one day at time. The R will continually change. Every choice you make has the potential of pushing spouse farther away or drawing spouse closer. Be very aware of his reactions and stop doing what pushes him away......
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Great advice. Right now it's like I'm the poster child for what not to do when DBing. When he came over later to get some more stuff, I asked him if he still loves me and where does he see us in 6 months. He said he doesn't know.
Here I am, a tall, slender, attractive, smart and educated 40 year old woman. And I'm asking my husband while he's in the midst of moving out such pathetic and needy questions.
I can't believe I am acting this way!!! I need to stop and GAL!!!!!!! I need to at least fake that I'm projecting happiness!!!
I asked him if he was happy, and he said yes.
Me 40 H 43 T years M 9 months H left on 5/17/09 Stepson 9
I need to stop behaving that way when I'm around him. So he's over at his new place, (6 month lease) dropping off a load. I asked him if he needed help with it. He said no. I even asked him if he still loves me, how pathetic of me! He just looked at me and said "What do you think, I haven't been laying next to you and snuggling the last couple weeks." So I'm going to be gone when he gets back. I haven't been doing the 180's and giving him as much space as he needs.