Ummmmm.... OK. These masks or persona. I'm just thinking aloud here...
We go through life having to adjust what we reveal in certain places for survival and/or success. When I initially met my H, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief because I felt that I could truly be myself with him. We had enough similarities in our backgrounds and families that we were comfortable with each other. When work was a beast, or when friends were being jerks, or when crazy mixed-up things happened like 9-11, we were there for each other because we saw eye-to-eye (for the most part.)
SP and Thinker and anyone else: Are you saying that back in the beginning of your R's you worked to put on some sort of persona other than your authentic, comfortable selves to win your spouses' affections? Was it not similar to what I describe of my M above?
My Father once said, "If you pretend to be someone you aren't for too long, you will go mad. There is no place for pretending in a marriage."
I'm thinking that working to adjust your persona to navigate certain situations and relationships that are outside your inner circle (your inner circle being your family and closest friends, let's say) is understandable, but only outside your home (that is, your sanctuary and your one place that should be of undeniable peace and rest... the one place you can just breathe and be the authentic YOU.)
My H has seen me adjust my persona on business calls or in social situations at which we are meeting all new people. He and I both have the persona-adjusting skills. But, he knows ME, inside and out, and I don't feel the need to adjust who I am in front of him in any kind of inauthentic way.
Is this persona manipulation really what it's all about?
My favorite scene in Good Will Hunting:
Will: Yeah. Don't worry about me. I know what I'm doin'. Yeah, but this girl is like, you know, beautiful. She's smart. She's funny. She's different from most of the other girls I've been with. Sean: So, call her up, Romeo. Will: Why? So I can realize she's not that smart, that she's f*ckin' boring? Y'know--I mean...this girl is like f*ckin' perfect right now, I don't wanna ruin that. Sean: Maybe you're perfect right now. Maybe you don't want to ruin that. I think that's a super philosophy, Will. That way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody. My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of wonderful idiosyncrasies. You know what? She used to fart in her sleep. Sorry I shared that with you. One night it was so loud it woke the dog up. She woke up and gone like "oh was that you?" I'd say yeah...I didn't have the heart to tell her...Oh God...[laughing] Will: She woke herself up? Sean: Yesssss. Oh Christ....aahhh, but, Will, she's been dead two years and that's the [censored] I remember. Wonderful stuff, you know, little things like that. Ah, but, those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That's what made her my wife. Oh, and she had the goods on me, too, she knew all my little peccadillos. People call these things imperfections, but they're not, aw, that's the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let in to our weird little worlds. You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she isn't perfect either. But the question is: whether or not you're perfect for each other. That's the whole deal. That's what intimacy is all about. Now you can know everything in the world, sport, but the only way you're findin' out that one is by givin' it a shot. You certainly won't learn from an old f*cker like me. Even if I did know, I wouldn't tell a piss ant like you.
All of this masterminding that we do... Is it really IT?
