WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

There has to be dialog about it. No, you shouldn't have to be a mind reader- it's up to each person in a relationship to communicate what they are not getting out of it. You cannot take responsibility for her not telling you what she wanted.

In my case I did. He knew very well I didn't want to shoulder all the responsibility. Heck, I even talked to his parents separately and asked them to talk to him way before the A ever happened.

We were married 13 years. I would expect that after that time he would know me and care how I felt. Which he obviously really didn't. It's sad, because it really would have taken so little to please me........

That was actually part of our problem. My wife couldn't tell me in a way so I would get it. I had almost fallen over when she told me that she had actually made up her mind in Sept to file for divorce and had tried to tell me 3 times between Sept and Dec. She said that each time, she saw that I didn't understand what she was getting at. I told her that she certainly figured out how to tell me in Jan when she said she filed!

I guess that's another reason that I'm beating myself up. I know in reality, it would have taken very little to please my wife, if I would have known/understood. I do understand know and am putting in so much to do so, but now she doesn't care so I'm afraid no amount of effort will make a different.

But, as Stuck had pointed out, I'm making these changes to save my marriage, but I will still succeed, even if my marriage isn't saved, as I will be a much better person for this effort.

Crazy part of it is that my wife says that she sees how much I've changed and is proud of me and recognizes how I'm much better as a person now than even when we first met. It's just that she's too hurt and can't trust me to be vulnerable with me again.

ARGH!!!!